cemunoz@bard (Carlos E. Munoz) (05/29/91)
A good friend of mine approached me meekly yesterday, asking me if I could give him some advise or a few words of encouragement. It seems that his girlfriend "cannot have an orgasm." I thought that it was rather strange and unusual, so I asked him to explain further. He said that she has not had an orgasm before in any sexual intercourse. She has had a couple of boyfriends before that she has had sex with, but has not had an orgasm by any of them either. Her first sexual encounter was a little rushed, to her opinion, but not completely forced. She had trouble with the idea of having sex with her next boyfriend too soon, but he was paitient and thoughtful and understood her reasons, so he waited as long as she wanted. It's been over three years since her first encounter, and her boyfriend is very gentle and kind, and she appears to be very attracted to him, but the times they have had sex, no matter the duration, stimulation, or method, she has not been able to reach orgasm. This does not distress her, apparently because she feels that she doesn't know what she is missing, and still enjoys the sex they have. He, however, wishes that she could share the experience as much as he does. Does anyone have any clue what is going on here? I am neither a psychologist nor a doctor, so I have no clue if it is psychological or a biological occurance.
scottk@eng.umd.edu (Scott K. Walker) (05/29/91)
In article <1991May28.214636.2338@athena.mit.edu> cemunoz@bard (Carlos E. Munoz) writes: > >A good friend of mine approached me meekly yesterday, asking me if I could give >him some advise or a few words of encouragement. It seems that his girlfriend >"cannot have an orgasm." I thought that it was rather strange and unusual, so It is not the norm, but it does happen. I beleive that the best advice is not to worry about it. If they BOTH enjoy what they are doing, then go with it. It may happen, or it may not. The worst thing that your friend can do is to make her feel bad about it. If you keep trying and failing, then she will feel like there is something wrong... I suppose she could have some sort of a hang-up.... but it is probably nothing that she needs to worry about. Does she masterbate? I have heard that some women come easier that way. Also, if she doesn't, she may not know what to do to make it feel the best for her. (Masterbation can be a two player sport of course...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Name is Scott King, but "Your Majesty" will do just fine, thank you! Scott King Walker Just Say "NO" to Engineering! scottk@eng.umd.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------
cohill@vtserf.cc.vt.edu (Andrew M. Cohill) (05/29/91)
In article <1991May29.013629.21224@eng.umd.edu> scottk@eng.umd.edu (Scott K. Walker) writes: >In article <1991May28.214636.2338@athena.mit.edu> cemunoz@bard (Carlos E. Munoz) writes: >> >>A good friend of mine approached me meekly yesterday, asking me if I could give >>him some advise or a few words of encouragement. It seems that his girlfriend >>"cannot have an orgasm." I thought that it was rather strange and unusual, so > >It is not the norm, but it does happen. I beleive that the best advice is >not to worry about it. If they BOTH enjoy what they are doing, then go >with it. It may happen, or it may not. The worst thing that your friend >can do is to make her feel bad about it. If you keep trying and failing, >then she will feel like there is something wrong... > Hmmmm...having been through this exact situation myself, I have to disagree. I would say that there is something wrong, and that ignoring is probably not a good idea. Item 1: If he is bothered by it, then it is a problem, whether or not she is. They both need to talk about it. Take it to it's logical conclusion: does this guy want to spend the rest of his life with her like this? Item 2: The fact that she says it is not a problem does not mean that it is not a problem. My first wife had exactly this opinion; while I have never received the whole story from her, from what I gleaned from observation and joint counseling, the inability to have an orgasm was a symptom of a *lot* of repressed family stuff. She eventually left me; in part, I think it was because I was concerned about the sex stuff, and that made her think about her family stuff, and so she left the person that was making her do that: me. One final note: one might be inclined to seek help from a therapist who specializes in sexual problems. Be very careful; the one we went to viewed it strictly as a mechanical problem without addressing the underlying issues. The results (see above) were disastrous. As I found out later from reading and other therapists, this was pretty stupid, but not entirely surprising. Problems that couples have with sex are almost *always* rooted in something else entirely (money, power, family, etc). Reading "The Joy of Sex" ain't gonna fix much. What did I do wrong? I convinced myself that it was alright to ignore her sexual problems--that we were on such good terms in other areas that it would not matter. In retrospect, I had lots of little warning signs that things were not quite right, but I chose to ignore them all because I was focused more on the notion of being married than I was on the notion of having a healthy relationship. I paid the price; we lasted exactly six months after the wedding. Best regards, Andy -- | ...we have to look for routes of power our teachers never | imagined, or were encouraged to avoid. T. Pynchon | |Andy Cohill cohill@vtserf.cc.vt.edu VPI&SU
sw@smds.UUCP (Stephen E. Witham) (05/30/91)
This is true of many women. A book I've read, _For Yourself_, by... umm... Anyway, it's about learning orgasm by learning to masturbate. I'm male, and it was hard for me to relate to the problem, but I've heard at least one woman recommend the book. --Steve
mauler@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu (06/01/91)
In article <1991May28.214636.2338@athena.mit.edu>, cemunoz@bard (Carlos E. Munoz) writes: > > A good friend of mine approached me meekly yesterday, asking me if I could give > him some advise or a few words of encouragement. It seems that his girlfriend > "cannot have an orgasm." I thought that it was rather strange and unusual, so > I asked him to explain further. He said that she has not had an orgasm before > in any sexual intercourse. She has had a couple of boyfriends before that she > has had sex with, but has not had an orgasm by any of them either. Her first > sexual encounter was a little rushed, to her opinion, but not completely > forced. She had trouble with the idea of having sex with her next boyfriend > too soon, but he was paitient and thoughtful and understood her reasons, so > he waited as long as she wanted. > > It's been over three years since her first encounter, and her boyfriend is very > gentle and kind, and she appears to be very attracted to him, but the times > they have had sex, no matter the duration, stimulation, or method, she has not > been able to reach orgasm. This does not distress her, apparently because she > feels that she doesn't know what she is missing, and still enjoys the sex they > have. He, however, wishes that she could share the experience as much as he > does. Does anyone have any clue what is going on here? I am neither a > psychologist nor a doctor, so I have no clue if it is psychological or a > biological occurance. There are several causes listed in the Masters and Johnson method book. Of the ones listed, the one that seems to fit best is that she is a little overeager in sex, due to her first experience being "rushed", and so she is too tense to reach orgasm. Naaah, actually that isn't very good. A better cause might be imbalance of hormones or an inborn defect. Fortunately, they also list a cure for the non-orgasmic woman. Of course, the first requirement is a loving, caring partner (which you have already said exists). Basically, there are two techniques, which obviously can be combined for maximum total effect. The first is by stimulation; there are three listed methods of stimulation, any or all of which can be used at once. (The following text is summarized from the report) [a] When she is fairly relaxed, he stimulates her by stroking and caressing her in areas she most likes to have stroked, and while engaged in this activity he also tenderly tells her how much he loves her and other terms of endearment. The periods of arousal should be punctuated by periods of rest. Combining actions with words seems to get most women aroused than just caressing alone. [b] It often helps if the woman focuses on some sexual fantasy, reads and looks through erotic literature and magazines, and/or talking about sexually stimulating topics during caressing and whispering his love into her ears. [c] If the problem stems from a genetic abnormality in which she is sexually less sensitive than most, direct stimulation of the clitoris and genitalia with hand or vibrator can help. Other methods include deep penetration by the penis, and oral-genital contact (It should be noted here that some women are stimulated sexually by performing fellatio on her male partner, as well as him performing cunnilingus on her). Again, the male reinforces actions with endearing words. In any of the three methods outlined above, any method that brings orgasm to a woman makes it more likely for her to reach more orgasms later. The second technique is called Sensate-Focus therapy; it has three steps. (The following text is short enough to print word for word) [1] The couple sit nude on their bed: the man, legs apart, propped up by the headboard; the woman, seated with her back to his chest and her legs on his. She guides his hands briefly over her inner thighs, vaginal lips, and clitoral region. In this way she can control her sexual sensations and keep them from becoming too intense for her. [2] In subsequent sessions the couple eventually work up to the point where the woman kneels astride the man and finds pleasure in keeping still with his penis inside her vagina. She can then try slowly moving her hips to and fro, thrusting faster and harder when she finds that she wants to. Next she has him join in with his own thrusting hip movements. [3] The last part of this Masters and Johnson therapy is shifting from the woman-on-top position to both partners lying sideways, so that she rests largely on her chest, stomach, one leg, and the knee of the other leg (he lies mostly under her). This position makes uncontrolled hip movements easier and orgasm likelier for women than positions where they can consciously control the movements made by their bodies. Above all: be considerate with her, and be prepared for a long journey or an easy one. More harm is done when a couple expects instant results and does not get them, than through genetic abnormalities or rushed sex. When you find a method that works, use it. You'll have very little difficulty after her first orgasm, if it is a fairly good earthmover, If not, keep trying. She'll come when she's relaxed and ready for it... Leo Mauler mauler@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
andrew@resam.dk (Leif Andrew Rump) (06/02/91)
WARNING: Here is some Danish opinions - You know those with the porno shops! :-) In <1991Jun1.050151.31190@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu> mauler@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu writes: >In article <1991May28.214636.2338@athena.mit.edu>, cemunoz@bard (Carlos E. Munoz) writes: >> >> A good friend of mine approached me meekly yesterday, asking me if I could give >> him some advise or a few words of encouragement. It seems that his girlfriend >> "cannot have an orgasm." I thought that it was rather strange and unusual, so >> I asked him to explain further. He said that she has not had an orgasm before >> in any sexual intercourse. She has had a couple of boyfriends before that she >> has had sex with, but has not had an orgasm by any of them either. Her first >> sexual encounter was a little rushed, to her opinion, but not completely >> forced. She had trouble with the idea of having sex with her next boyfriend >> too soon, but he was paitient and thoughtful and understood her reasons, so >> he waited as long as she wanted. >> >> It's been over three years since her first encounter, and her boyfriend is very >> gentle and kind, and she appears to be very attracted to him, but the times >> they have had sex, no matter the duration, stimulation, or method, she has not >> been able to reach orgasm. This does not distress her, apparently because she >> feels that she doesn't know what she is missing, and still enjoys the sex they >> have. He, however, wishes that she could share the experience as much as he >> does. Does anyone have any clue what is going on here? I am neither a >> psychologist nor a doctor, so I have no clue if it is psychological or a >> biological occurance. >There are several causes listed in the Masters and Johnson method book. Of the >ones listed, the one that seems to fit best is that she is a little overeager >in sex, due to her first experience being "rushed", and so she is too tense >to reach orgasm. Naaah, actually that isn't very good. A better cause >might be imbalance of hormones or an inborn defect. [Different suggestions delete where the friend took part in the search for the orgasm] I don't think it is that "strange and unusual" for woman not to have orgasm and a lot of woman enjoy sex a lot even though they don't get orgasm [every time] as this girlfriend described above. But one thing is sure - DON'T FORCE IT!!! Then she will (probably) never get it or even worse - fake it just to get it over with! Let nature take its course, discuss it with her if you want to as long as she wants to, stimulate her the places she likes but remember there is a lot of good spots on her body, so move around maybe the earth will shake when you least expect it. There could be a lot of reasons for her not to have orgasm and quite a few of them is quite easily "solved" by teaching each other where & how you get stimulated. Get to know each others body, get "used to it" - fell _comfortable_ with yourself & your partner(s)! But there is one important thing [WARNING: The Danish way of doing it :-) ]: She must know her own sensitive zones before she can tell you where & how they may be stimulated and the only way she is able to known them fully is by trying it herself _without_ any interruption - i.e. she must try on her own to reach climax - if she wants to. Andrew Leif Andrew Rump, AmbraSoft A/S, Stroedamvej 50, DK-2100 Copenhagen OE, Denmark UUCP: andrew@ambra.dk, phone: +45 39 27 11 77 / Currently at Scandinavian Airline Systems =======/ UUCP: andrew@resam.dk, phone: +45 32 32 51 54 \ SAS, RESAM Project Office, CPHML-V, P.O.BOX 150, DK-2770 Kastrup, Denmark If it's broke, fix it (The MS-DOS way) If it aint broke, don't touch it (The Unix way) If we can't fix it, it ain't broke (Maintainer's Motto) If you can't fix it, fuck it (The U-boat way)