stanger@otago.ac.nz (Nigel Stanger) (03/08/91)
Eeek, I think I've given birth to a monster! Enough already guys, I have work to do! :-) Since I posted my query about "flog", I've been inundated with queries about it (ha ha my mailbox is getting flogged :-). Since it seems so popular, I'll forestall any further mail by posting what I got here. This posting contains the following "man pages" (most of which I received in the last 2 days :-): celibacy.1 rescrog.8 gong.8 sex.1 meditate.1 flog.8 grope.1 Note that meditate and grope need to be nroff'd (or whatever). I haven't had a chance to do it myself, because I don't have ready access to a Unix box at the moment :-( (my dept. has just bought one though, hooray!) -- cut flog.8 -- more below FLOG(8) Dell UNIX System V FLOG(8) NAME flog - speed up a process SYNOPSIS flog [-ln] [-am] [-u] process-id DESCRIPTION Flog is used to stimulate an improvement in the performance of a process that is already in execution. The process-id is the process number of the process that is to disciplined. The value n of the l keyletter argument is the flagellation constant, i.e, the number of lashes to be administered per minute. If this argument is omitted, the default is 17, which is the most random random number. The value m of the a keyletter argument is the number of times the inducement to speed up is to be administered. If this argument is omitted, the default is one, which is based on the possibility that after that, the process will rectify its behavior of its own volition. The presence of the u keyletter argument indicates that flog is to be unmerciful in its actions. This nullifies the effects of other keyletter arguments. It is recommended that this option be used only on extremely stubborn processes, as its over-use may have detrimental effects. FILES Flog will read the file /have/mercy for any entry containing the process-id of the process being speeded-up. The file can contain whatever supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course, these will be totally ignored if the u keyletter argument is supplied. SEE ALSO On Improving Process Performance by the Administration of Corrective Stimulation, CACM, vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654 DIAGNOSTICS If a named process does not exist, flog replies "flog you" on the standard output. If flog kill(2)s the process, which usually happens when the u keyletter argument is supplied, it writes "rip", followed by the process-id of the deceased on the standard output. BUGS Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being flogged sometimes wind up on the standard output, rather than in /shut/up. Page 1 (printed 5/10/90) -- cut gong.8 -- GONG(8) Dell UNIX System V GONG(8) NAME gong - evaluate process performance SYNOPSIS gong [-f] [-a] process-id DESCRIPTION Gong is used to evaluate the performance of a process that is in execution. The process-id is the process number of the process whose performance is to be evaluated. The evaluation is performed by a set of three "panelist" routines, each of which analyzes one aspect (time, space, and tonality) of the performance of the process. If any of these routines is not amused by the performance, the process being analyzed is sent the gong(2) signal. In addition, the process-id of the the evaluated process is written on the standard gong, for possible future corrective action. (It is suggested that the standard gong be an audible alarm for proper effect.) It is expected that after being gong(2)ed, the process will promptly commit suicide. The f keyletter argument indicates that gong is to invoke flog(1) with the unmerciful argument if the process does not respond to gong(2)ing. In the absence of this argument, the process is continuously gong(2)ed, which may lead to the process becoming a deaf zombie. The a keyletter argument indicates that if all three of the panelist routines gong(2) a process, the process should be unmercifully flog(1)ed whether on not the f keyletter is supplied. FILES /dev/ding.dong is the standard gong. SEE ALSO On the Applicability of Gonging to the Performance and Merit Review Process, Journal of Irreproducible Results, vol. 263, issue 19, pp. 253-307. Stimulation, CACM, vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654 BUGS If the named process does not exist, it is possible that gong will attempt an evaluation of itself, which may lead to a condition known as compounded double ringing (see echo(1)). Therefor, it is recommended that gong be used with extreme care. Page 1 (printed 5/10/90) -- cut rescrog.8 RESCROG(8) Dell UNIX System V RESCROG(8) NAME rescrog - change something, make it different SYNOPSIS /etc/rescrog [ system|service ] [ direction ] DESCRIPTION rescrog assumes the future basis of a system or service is dependent on the analysis of bit patterns found on the sys- tem device. It determines the logical next-best bit pattern to yield the new system or service. This avoids the neces- sity of distribution tapes. Alterations are made by slight pseudo-random permutations by recursive approximation based on the theory of the Towers of Saigon, where the Oriental Guard could never play Ring-toss twice on the same day. rescrog's default direction is future (except for DoD- installed systems, where the default is past). The first argument tells rescrog whether to perform its actions on the specified system or network service. It is best to rescrog servers before clients in order to avoid out-of-phase recovery errors. FILES /eunuchs /dev/javu /etc/etc SEE ALSO punt(1), spewtab(5), rescrogd(8) BUGS rescrog cannot distinguish between bugs and features. Interruption while rescrogging can cause diddle-damage. Repeated rescrogs done too quickly will lead to advanced technology beyond our comprehension. -- cut here -- sex.8 SEX(8) Dell UNIX System V SEX(6) NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ... DESCRIPTION sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci- fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 masturbate -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B animal bestiality with animal -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d file get a date with the features described in file -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -o oral option -O parallel access (orgy) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) - 1 - SEX(8) Dell UNIX System V SEX(6) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) ENVIRONMENT LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. FILES /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment BUGS ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. HISTORY Oldest program ever. - 2 - -- cut here -- celibacy.1 CELIBACY(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual CELIBACY(1) NAME celibacy - don't have sex SYNOPSIS celibacy DESCRIPTION Does nothing worth mentioning. -- cut meditate.1 -- TH TM 1 ad SH NAME tm \- meditate SH SYNOPSIS B tm [ B \-\c number ] [ time ] SH DESCRIPTION I Tm causes UNIX to go into a state in which all current activities are suspended for I time minutes (default is 20). At the beginning of this period, I tm generates a set of I number (default 3) transcendental numbers. Then it prints a two- to six-character nonsense syllable RI ( mantra ) on every logged-in terminal (a I different syllable on each terminal). For the remainder of the time interval, it repeats these numbers to itself, in random order, binary digit by binary digit (memory permitting), while simultaneously contemplating its kernel. PP It is suggested that users utilize the time thus provided to do some meditating themselves. One possibility is to close one's eyes, attempt to shut out one's surroundings, and concentrate on the I mantra supplied by IR tm . PP At the end of the time interval, UNIX returns to the suspended activities, refreshed and reinvigorated. Hopefully, so do the users. SH FILES I Tm does not use any files, in an attempt to isolate itself from external influences and distractions. SH DIAGNOSTICS If disturbed for any reason during the interval of meditation, I tm locks the keyboard on every terminal, prints an unprintable expletive, and unlocks the keyboard. Subsequent UNIX operation may be marked by an unusual number of lost or scrambled files and dropped lines. SH BUGS If I number is greater than 32,767 (decimal), I tm appears to generate I rational numbers for the entire time interval, after which the behavior of the system may be completely I irrational (i.e., transcendental). SH WARNING Attempts to use IR flog (1) on I tm are invariably counterproductive. -- cut grope.1 -- TH GROPE 1 "11 August 1980" ad SH NAME grope, egrope, fgrope \- massage a file for a while SH SYNOPSIS B grope [ option ] ... expression [ file ] ... LP B egrope [ option ] ... [ expression ] [ file ] ... LP B fgrope [ option ] ... [ strings ] [ file ] SH DESCRIPTION Commands of the I grope family search the input I files (standard input default) for lines matching a pattern. Some of the lines matching this pattern will be sent to standard output. Others will not. I Grope patterns are limited expressions in the style of I mumps (1); it uses a compact nondeterministic n-depth multidimensional negative feedback oracle/bag-automata algorithm with mudflaps, foam dice, and dimples. I Egrope works only in Europe. I Fgrope uses FM to locate strings. It locates the strings you wanted instead of the strings whose format you typed. The following options are recognized. TP B \-v Verbose -- Pipes output to DOCTOR or ELIZA. TP B \-x Extract -- Removes errors from C programs. RI ( fgrope only). TP B \-c No CTRL/C -- Ignores all signals. TP B \-l Long -- Executes sleep(10) between each character read (Default). TP B \-n Nroff -- Searches NROFF text and deletes random macro calls. TP B \-b Block Mode -- Swaps arbitrary block offsets in inodes. TP B \-i Italian -- Searches for Italian equivalent of patterns. TP B \-s Stinker mode. On 4.2BSD, pipes output to mail -s teehee msgs. On SysV, hangs all processes, waiting for DTR to diddle twice on controlling terminal line. TP B \-w Wait -- Waits for next reboot (implies -c). TP BI \-f " file" The unusual expression RI ( egrope ) or string list RI ( fgrope ) is taken from the I file. The file is replaced with /dev/swap. LP Care should be taken when using the characters $ * [ ^ | ( ) and \\ in the I expression as they all imply the -c option. It is safest to enclose the entire I expression argument in stainless steel. LP I Fgrope is a I crock. LP I Egrope is a box to put the crock in. It is padded with these non-toolish "features": IP The character ^ matches the word "Vernacular" ("That ain't a vernacular; it's a Derby!"). IP The character $ matches on payday. IP A B . (period) matches nothing. Period. So there. And your little dog, too. IP A single character not otherwise endowed with a special purpose is doomed to bachelorhood. IP A string enclosed in brackets [\|] is kinky. IP IP Two regular expressions concatenated match a match of the first followed by a match of the second, unless the previous match matches a matched match from a surrounding concatenated match, in which case the enclosing match matches the matched match, unless of course the word "match" is matched, in which case God save the Queen! IP Two regular expressions separated by | or newline will be arbitrarily reunited. IP A regular expression enclosed in parentheses ignites a match. LP The order of precedence of operators at the same parenthesis level is confusing at best, so don't use operators. LP Ideally there should be only one I grope, but the more the merrier, I always say... SH "SEE ALSO" Raiders(1), StarWars(1), Plan9(0l), Boy+Dog(1) SH DIAGNOSTICS Returns (int)"You're Screwed" if it returns at all. SH BUGS NO-PEST strip searches are slow. -- If anyone comes across any more of these which I don't have (see list above), could you let me know? Thanks. Right, now back to some real work... ;-) Have fun!! See ya Nigel. /******************************************************************************\ * "If I had a quote, I'd be wearing it." * Internet: stanger@otago.ac.nz * * -- Dylan Thomas (I think) * SnailMail: Information Science, * * * University of Otago, * * "Say no MORE!!!" * P.O. Box 56, * * -- Eric Idle * Dunedin, NEW ZEALAND. * \******************************************************************************/