[alt.personals] How deeply should one love life?!!

b473dg@tamuts.tamu.edu (Dilawar Grewal) (10/28/90)

Hi people,

Since everybody asks for advice here, I thought I would too!! If nothing
else, I'd get to hear some diverse views!! Please try and mail me the replies
instead of posting them on the net....justing trying to save the bandwidth.

Next month I'll be 26. For the past few weeks now I have been doing some
serious thinking about myself and the more I think, the more confused I get.
Every birthday I make some resolution and try accomplish it in the year(s) 
to come. This way I can achieve things which I would have otherwise missed
because of spending too much time in supporting the mechanics of living. I
like to get more done in each 24 hour period than is necessary for just the
daily schedule part of life. I don't know why, but I do think that it is 
essential that one maintain a pace in which as much or more is contributed to
the enrichment of the principles of life as to the mechanics of life. I believe
that in order to make your life different from your predecessors or other
human beings one has to work on the principles of life bit more than the
mechanics bit. Afterall, who really cares if you live your life with or without
a porsche, but it does matter what level of sensitivity towards recognising
human feelings, needs etc. you develop during your lifetime. So most of the
time I try, and successfully so, maintain a balance between the time and
energy I spend on the two aspects of living. Sometimes, though, I get lost and
confused and wonder where to turn for help. This is one of those times.

I am 2 years from finishing my PhD in mechanical engineering. I like doing what
I do, but some serious questions ahve been popping up in my brain as to why I
am putting in so much time of mu life into this and whether this time should 
have gone or should go into something else. I have always taken time off for
myself and gone off to the mountains to think about things in solitude, write
about stuff and change myself in any which way I desired. It is as if I get
my energy from that solitude, or that environment and that gives me strength
to think logically about what would be the right balance between spending
time and energy towards life suport systems and other things of higher orders.
For the past few weeks now I have had such a strong feeling about my recluses
to the mountains that I really don't know what to make of it. Invariably i have
found myself thinking that I really do not belong in the city type atmosphere
and that I will not survive, or at least not be happy, in a corporate type
environment. Time and again when I think about it, I find that the basic
underlying factor behind my happiness has always been simplicity and closeness
to nature.

Now the questions I have are, is it really possible that i have been able to
identify what makes me happy or is it just an escape? From prior history, I
have never believed in escapism. Ever since I was a child I have always thought
a lot and have actively been able to increase my level of sensitivity towards
myself and other peoples feelings or needs, but now I find myself at a stage
where I am unable to see a higher plane towards which I can work for. Does this
mean I am not thinking enough or is it that I need to get myself into a 
different environment so that I see new things and realize the difference. So
often I catch myself repeating myself and those are the times when I really 
get scared. I wonder why I no longer observe the subtlities of life as finely
as I used to! Will following a lifestyle which is at a slower pace and closer
to the basic needs and values of life bring me closer to myself or is it all
of no consequence whatsoever!! Then the practical questions arise..should I
give up my PhD and try and find a job with, say, National Geographic or go up
to my beloved inspiring mountains and raise sheep? Somehow during these past 
few weeks I have been looking at a stranger in the mirror. Life has been
comparmentalized into such short spans that I somehow am never able to look at
the big picture ever because there always seems to be something else that need
your concentration during that particular period. I really dislike deviating 
from my simple values and beliefs. Will leading a simpler life with bigger
compartments help me come closer to the person I want to be?

I know a lot of you would have used the "n" key a long time ago, a lot of you
wouldn't have, but must be thinking "what the heck does he want?!", but there
are some of you who know what I mean. People who live an uncomplicated life, 
people who actively pursue the very basic values of life, people who know how 
to fall in love with life, I need suggestions from you! I need direction. 

I would appreciate if you'd write to me directly. I don't think wasting net
bandwidth over a discussion is of any good.