b473dg@tamuts.tamu.edu (Dilawar Grewal) (10/31/90)
Hi again, First of all i must thank profusely everyone who wrote to me. I never imagined people would take so much time and effort to reply to a stranger. i really am grateful. I recieved emails from all over the world and with views that cannot even be bound by the ends of the spectrum. And I am grateful to all, since each and everyone helped me understand myself in a new light. I shall try and reply to all of you individually, but it may take a while. Now back to the original post/problem, whatever, since it has been so helpful, might as well gain some more insight!! Looking at the replies I got, it appears that a lot of people thought that it was really a question as to whether i should carry on with my PhD, or not, and whether i should live in the city or not. Well, it was in a way and it wasn't in a way. As I mentioned in my previous post, I think a lot and do have the ability to be able to change my attitudes and habits to whatever i think is right. Most of the time i do think dynamically so that I am continuosly aware of what is happening to me on a more inner-self level than just the outer, wordly, day to day basis, level. Most people suggested that this is good since it helps make me become a more aware, sensitive, kind, something of the sort, person. i agree. But, this does not stop here. I am capable of taking whatever level of sensitivity that i have achieved/attained and converting it into a habit, so that i belong to that level of awareness and it is no longer just a rewarding experience that I can gloat on every time I put in some effort. It becomes a habit of which i soon enough lose awareness. i don't think that I am capable of stopping at some certain level of this sensitivity and start to look at it as some person other than I would. i feel most comfortable when I see another higher level ahead of me that i can strive to reach, so in a way it never leaves me with enough time to concentrate on the rewards of what i have already achieved, which is fine by me since it helps converting it into a habit all the easier. The problem arises when i have to spend so much time and energy towards the "mechanics of life" chores that i start to deviate from the fine balance between the two aspects of my life. When i no longer can SEE that higher level of sensitivity (or whatever you may call it, i don't know) I start to dwell on the present level i am on and that is the root cause of all problems because for one, it is contrary to what i naturally do, so i feel a stranger in that situation. Two, since i am always striving for the next higher level, i really do not know how to express myself when i am stuck in a situation where i fail to see the next higher level. i start to seek an expression for my SELF in others or situations outside of me. That means that the expression is dependent on factors that are not within my reach, rather controlled by people who may or maynot even understand what they are controlling. The balance is no longer mine to maintain. Sometimes it works out fine if I come across someone who understands and is able to guide me to something that initiates a search for the next higher level in the right direction. At other times I am left wihtout any such guidence, at others mercy and confused. Those are the times when i think of giving up altogether the other half of my story, i.e. the practical aspect of surviving in this world, and try and find something, anything that would point me towards the next higher level. I am not running away from life, as some people suggested, rather i do want to see what it is all about. As I mentioned in my previous post, most of the times i am able to maintain that balance. Once in a while, like now, i get so bogged down by the mechanics of surviving that i fail to see the next higher level. And if striving to find the next higher level IS the source of the expression for your self, then it becomes imperative that you do, or else you get confused about the "why am I"'s of life. i know most people have a means to find an expression for their self. Some paint, some talk , some write, some dance, some cook. I search. But then I am sure there ARE some people who find themselves without a means to express their self and an ardent desire to do so. What do such people do? How do they find an expression for their self, without depending upon others and especially if they know that it is crucial for them to find it if they have to successfully maintain the fine balance that is so essential for survival?!!! An example of what I am saying:- If I am all alone, 3 days from civilization and i come across a beautiful wood rose, so unsual, so delicate, so beautiful. There is no way i can communicate my feelings about it to anyone then or later, since later it would have crumpled up and i wouldn't have the visual aid to use with my words, what do i do if i cannot think of a means to express it to myself first. You know, if i can describe my feelings and its beauty with the same mode, some delicate feeling or thought, as delicate as the wooden petals, i am okay. if not, then I have to depend upon an external source to achieve what i couldn't, and this is where it all starts. The same could apply to the sensitivity levels too, if i can see, or think of something more delicate more precious than what i already behold, I am fine, if not, then what do i do other than seek someone who would be an expression for my self, and you know what that means!! So even if i go up to the mountains, how do I find the next higher level? see the 22 in it?!! Once again thanks everyone and you are more than welcome to write to me how you feel about all this. Some of you have more brains and clarity than i can hope to achieve for quite some time!! -d.