ariels@orca.UUCP (Ariel Shattan) (07/09/85)
Now that the vacation season is upon us, I'd like to share this gem that a friend of mine sent me when I lamented the facts of my impending journey and lack of preparations. Send all compliments, comments, and insults to Liz Vaughan at ..!tektronix!tektools!lizv. Ms. Muddle's Packing Hints for the Hassled ------------------------------------------ Good luck on getting ready to leave. Start making lists of lists, then do the lists themselves, then post six hundred copies of the list all over your house, car, and office on many different pieces of paper. Write them out by hand, the repetition forces you to memorize them, and typing them into the computer just doesn't have the tactile thrill. Besides, how can you cross a completed item off in a huge red pen? Pressing "dd" just doesn't have the same visual impact. Figure out everything you're going to take. Place it all on the bed. Then put half of it away again since you'll have a complete wardrobe for a year on your bed. Assume when packing that there will be no dire emergencies and you will need no extra or unusual clothing. However, when packing little stuff, assume all manner of emergencies and pack lots of saftey pins, kleenex, tampons and terrorist repellent. Never buy anything new to travel in -- if it hasn't been tested for at least a month, chances are it'll give you blisters, break, or leak noxious fluids all over the rest of your stuff, creating the type of clothing emergency you decided wasn't going to happen. Decide which 2 pieces of luggage you are going to take (note: only take two pieces of luggage anywhere, whether around the corner to the store or moving to Mongolia forever. If the good lord had intended us to carry more than two pieces of luggage, s/he would have given us more arms) Now examine the pile of stuff on the bed. If pile A is bigger than receptacles B & C, you have problems. Repeat previous step of putting half of the pile away. DO NOT say "I'll wear it on the plane" since 18 hour transit is a bother when you're dressed like Heidi. In fact, assume that at some point you will be travelling NAKED and everything you bring must fit into your bag. Now take out duplicate ANYTHING and put it away too (exception -- two identical shoes are considered a must in many cultures). This will make room for all the useless junk you will buy, lug all over, and throw out when you return home. Don't take books, they're too heavy. Buy them in airports and throw them away as soon as you've read them. If you can't find any in English, try the local equivalent of Harlequin romances since these are amusing even if you can't read the language, and you'll probably pick up some RICH vocabulary. Take all your lists of things that need doing before you go and prioritize each item with a number 1-5. Now take out your red pen and cross all the numbers 3 and higher off the list as if you'd completed them; you'll never get to these anyway and it'll make the list seem much less overwhelming. Look at the remaining items and determine which of these will result in DEATH if not done. (Feeding the cat, watering the plants, not paying off the mob, that sort of thing) Make arrangements to deal with these things, and ignore the rest till your suitcases are actually in the hall. At that point, you can deal with stopping the mail, paying the bills, etc, but you won't. DO NOT pack your plane tickets in your suitcase -- have them surgically attached to your forehead. Hypnotize yourself into believing that you are leaving 24 hrs. before you actually are. This way you will drive to the airport and go through security, triggering that innate response of remembering THE THING YOU FORGOT. You can then safely go home and get the THING YOU FORGOT. You will, however, arrive at the airport (for real this time) the next day only to realize that you have forgotten something much more important. This is easier to handle if you remember that nothing is more important than money, and with enough money THE THING YOU FORGOT can be replaced even in darkest Peru. Plane Tickets are a form of money, but you won't forget them because they're still stapled to your forehead. Keep them there until you remain home; it may look odd, but people will just think you're from some exotic cult, and you get to lie your face on counters and have people stamp things on it too. ---------------------- Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Ariel (*still* not packed) Shattan ..!tektronix!orca!ariels