PINCHEO%IUBACS.BITNET@MITVMA.MIT.EDU (02/06/90)
One of the deepest wishes that I have for myself is to live and grow old and ancient with another old and ancient man. By that time we will have raised several children, seen them off to summer camps, boarding schools and colleges and they will have come into their own adulthood. And, after all this work, what with our own lives of teaching and healing, we will be very mellow and our voices will be very eloquent and we will forever see ourselves through a crisp veil of shining light. I want the serenity that age brings, and I want to always find human beings incredibly hilarious!, yes, and beautiful. I want a huge house with magical gardens. I don't ever want my house cluttered with lots of junk, but with special things and openness and expansiveness which grow out of love and patience and acceptance and understanding--though we may be crowded into a small room in a shanty before its all done. Now, I don't like my voice so much, I think it should be much "coarser" than it is, a bit more grainy. I wish that my voice were as rough- sounding as my life is difficult. I told this to a bisexual man who responded "then, you shouldn't be a faggot." But my voice is becoming more and more eloquent and I fear that some stormy day, my voice will fail me and when I should scream, nothing will come but softness and when I should be righteous and demanding, and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!, will not quite come across as it should. I want us to have the hands, the old man and I, of those who have healed, who have held and who have loved. And I want us to go gently, one by one, to sleep and ease into death as though it were leaving a familiar room. Whichever remains behind will get to say "Goodnight, _______. I'll see ya in the morning." And though physically we may be separated, the other will still remain calm, and in peace, and by being able to love other people and plants and things, he will reaffirm the love that we will still share, until we meet, some luminous day and our souls will shine and shine and shine forever. Amen. Bill.