mmdf@CC.IC.AC.UK (mmdf-2b mail system) (02/13/90)
Your message was not delivered to the following addresses:
(USER) Unknown user name in "gold@UK.AC.IMPERIAL.CC"
Your message begins as follows:
Received: from UKACRL by UK.AC.RL.IB (Mailer X1.25) with BSMTP id 6076; Tue, 13
Feb 90 06:28:19 GM
Received: from MITVMA.MIT.EDU by UKACRL.BITNET (Mailer X1.25) with BSMTP id
3374; Tue, 13 Feb 90 06:28:18 G
Received: by MITVMA (Mailer R2.05) id 5865; Tue, 13 Feb 90 00:36:15 EST
Date: Mon, 12 Feb 90 23:47:39 EST
Reply-To: GAYNET@EDU.MIT.ATHENA
Sender: Gaynet Distribution List <GAYNET@EARN.MITVMA>
From: CORCORAN@EARN.MAINE
Subject: Re: Re: couples
To: Steven Gold <gold@UK.AC.IMPERIAL.CC>
Dan,
Funny you should ask. Sean and I are HIV discordant. He's been positive
for five years and disgnosed for two and half. I just got the latest
batch of the (bianual) results back this evening - still HIV-. There are
a number of issues that discordant couples seem to have to deal with
that go beyond the issue of sex and what you do and don't do, but I'll
deal with that first, since it's the area folks panic with most redily.
(For the benefit of the public network, what follows should in no way
be read as an endorsement of any particular level of safe sex, sexual
practice, it's just my experience.) Sean and I have been having sex
on average about three times a week for the past four years (with
a six month "sabbatical" in 88. We established ground rules about
the level of risk during the first couple of weeks we went out, and
except for a few modifications, the remain intact. These are: any
sort of kissing is fine. Oral sex is unregulated with one exception:
if we expect him to have an orgasm in my mouth, a condom is used.
We have practiced oral sex without a condom and without orgasm with
no problems (recent data from Health Welfare Canada supports this).
In terms of anal sex, we both use condoms from initial insertion on.
These, of course, are only covering the so-called "risky" activities.
There are, of course, a myriad of alternatives to this. Neither of us
is particularly top or bottom--it works pretty evenly. We practice
oral sex much more frequently than anal sex. The point of this (rather
revealing) information is that one need not encase one's self in rubber
head to foot and douse one's self with bleach every 10 minutes to avoid
HIV infection. It just takes good unhysterical common sense. And some
luck. There *have* been accidents: condoms have broken, etc., but this
is to be expected. It all depends on the way one feels inclined to
express your sexuality, and the limits one's willing to place on that
activity in the interests of avoiding HIV infection.
The non-sexual issues are more complex. Survivors guilt, feeling cheated
by AIDS, dealing with death, medical and legal issues, oh they go on
and on. Recently, I've watched 11 of my friends and acquaintences die
of AIDS (this is in the six week period 1 Dec 89-15 Jan 90), and for
those of us in the sticks that's a lot in a six week period. It has
left me with a nagging feeling that the other shoe is about to drop
with Sean (who remains in rather good health). I do attend a suppost
group for lovers of PWAs, and I strongly recommend that those in dis-
cordant relationships use this tool when it's available. When it's not,
it is important to get in touch with others in a similar situation, if
only for the simple reason that there's more knowledge in two heads
than one. One of the worst things about being a HIV- lover of a PWA
is that there simply aren't that many who are publicaly available.
If, Dan, your friend would like to talk to me you may foward the phone
number at the bottom of this note to him.
In terms of your other question (regarding conflict resolution), we've
used many different styles. Initially we used a rather manipulative
form of bluffing: if you don't do what I want you to do, I'll withold
affection. That lead to a lot of pouting and general ill feeling.
Then we went into a stage of mutual capitulation. This lead to
unhappy compromises which left both of us more unhappy than we'd been
before. A side effect of this is that there is little direction to
the relationship. After a six month "sabbatical," we seem to have come,
in the last year and a half to a sort of barganing. If one wants A,
and the other does not, we have a conversation about *why* one want's
A and the other not. This has to be absolutely frank. If it's something
simple without major emotional entanglments, generally, we do what we
want separately. If it's an emotionally charged situation, it depends
on the degree of feeling either of us has on the matter. Ultimately,
what decides it is what's good for the relationship, and for ourselves
in it. Put simply, my going out and willfully hurting Sean's feelings
had better be worth the mess it will cause in the relationship afterwards,
and vice versa.
In terms of temper tantrums and anger, we both do it, but have learned
not to take it so seriously. It always blows over, and it's usually
over something that's ridiculous. We are beginning to enjoy expressing
anger, and it's working wonders at reducing our mutual stress level.
I think it's essential to have a good fight now and again, if only
because it's an assertion of our individualism. Sean is his own man,
and I love him for it. Slavery bores me.
Finally, we have both come to realize that because we have conflict
does not mean that the relationship is bad or isn't working. Both of
us has spent enough time questioning the relationship to realize that
it's just fine, no matter how much conflict we generate. So because
we have different goals and different ways of achieving them, doesn't
mean that we can't have a good solid relationship. It takes more than
that to bring me to such fundamental questioning of the relationship.
Curiously enough, the less we worry about the appropriateness of our
relationship, the less we squabble. For several months now, we've had,
on average a spat a month. But both of us are sufficiently committed to
talk through issues honestly and as frankly as we can muster.
I realize this conflict bit has been rather vague. If you want more
discussion of it, e-mail me directly. I'm happy to go into detail
on any area you have questions about.
It's also late.
Cororan@Portland / Corcoran@Maine are: John Corcoran ============
Phil Dept./Core == ==
"And now, what will become of us U. So. Maine === ===
without any barbarians? Those people Portland, ME ==== ====
were a kind of solution." 04103 ===== =====
--C.P. Cavafy 207-780-4226 ============