peterdur@microsoft.UUCP (Janelle Durham c/o Peter Durham) (01/17/90)
Janelle walks in from the gray day, orders a cup of tea, and walks over to chat with Chris, who's looking a little forlorn. In article <11698@csli.Stanford.EDU> cphoenix@csli.stanford.edu (Chris Phoenix) writes: >A quote from Steve: "There are always rules. They may just not be the ones > you're used to." >The reason I say we're incompatible is that she takes offense at a lot of >behavior that I consider normal > >I'm not sure why I'm saying all this. I can't imagine how you could help >unless you actually knew me, not just my typing. But if you have any >thoughts on anything I've said, I'd really like to hear them. I don't really have advice about this particular relationship, but I do have some thoughts about coping with people whose "rules" are incomprehensible to you: My sophomore year in college, I started out the year rooming with someone I had met my first day at Brandeis who had become the closest friend I'd ever had. But by November, we could hardly stand to be in the same room with each other, because there was so much anger between us. Our friendship was saved when she moved out of the room... although it never has recovered quite to its previous level. The reason? Different rules on what is normal, on what is personal space, etc. Personal space (as in a physical space to call my own) isn't that important to me, and it was very important to her, and I would do things that would greatly upset Barbara without even realiing that it was even vaguely possible that that would be the result. For example, one day I borrowed a shirt from her without specifically asking if that was OK. I had borrowed this shirt so many times that I figured it would be no problem to do so again... but she was very angry when she saw me later with it. Several things like this happened. I would have never done any of these things ahead of time if I'd realized it would upset her. But I honestly did not comprehend some of her rules for what was right/wrong because they were so different from mine. The way we got past this was to never share living space again. The only non-distancing way I can think of to work past similar problems would be to sit down for hours with someone, establishing rules of conduct, and to constantly add to those as things went along. This could help a relationship to grow, but I kind of suspect that it would hit the point that there were so many rules built up that there would be no ground for honest communication. Ina has apparently decided that your rules are so different from hers that there is no point in continuing to interact... and for you to push continued relations would only be a violoation of her rules... If she was being constantly offended by your actions, then it is probably a good thing she ended it when she did. Otherwise the anger would have continued to grow until both of you were miserable... I sigh wistfully, and go to collect my cup of tea from the bar where it has been peacefully brewing, and go sit down at an empty table, spreading applications around and preparing to fill them out. I am getting so tired of job hunting... I couldn't get a job in my field (where I have lots of experience) because I don't have a masters, so I'm applying for random jobs now to last me till next fall, and none of them want me either because I have one leg, and/or because I don't have any related experience (all that retail and restaurant experience I didn't get because I was working in social services...) UGGHH. Before I start filling things out, I glance over at Unbeliever. Yes, you can read _Callahans Lady_ before you read the others. Spider's books stand up pretty well on their own. I understand why you're having such trouble finding his books... I looked through twelve or so bookstores to find a copy of _Mindkiller_... course, I picked up an application at each before I left :-) - Janelle ...whistle while you write (the same damn things over and over!!) ...
uucibg@swbatl.UUCP (3929) (01/19/90)
In article <11698@csli.Stanford.EDU> cphoenix@csli.stanford.edu (Chris Phoenix) writes: >... But Ina says there was more to it, and this is where the >scary part comes in. She maintains that I have been looking at her as >an object, and not respecting her as a person. Given that (from her point >of view) I was being rude to her and invading her space many times a day, >I can understand why she felt that way. But she says it's more than even >that... >After we'd been going out for a couple of weeks, we met her brother for a >few minutes, and he told her to break it off because she was already being >hurt. After we broke up, but before we stopped being friends, another >friend of hers saw us together for a few minutes, and without knowing >anything about me, or even that we had been going out, asked Ina if we >had been and told her that I was looking at her (Ina) as an object, and >that she shouldn't get involved with me. Some interesting questions come to my mind here: 1) Just exactly how did they know that you were treating her as an object? 2) Why didn't anyone tell you until later? If she was interested in you enough to get into a relationship but not enough to talk to you about problems, then that's her problem and not yours. I know that doesn't help the pain. You see, I just got off the phone with my ex-fiance. After 4 months of very sporadic contact, we had started doing things together as friends during the last two weeks. Last night we had a long talk about where we were going and what we were each feeling. There were no resolutions but I felt better because things got discussed in an honest and open manner. I thought she felt the same. It seems I was wrong. She now doesn't want to see me very often. I don't know about last night's conversation changed her mind. It was a brief conversation. I also don't know what "not very often" means. We will be getting together this evening to talk. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brian R. Gilstrap ...!{ texbell, uunet }!swbatl!uucibg OR uucibg@swbatl.UUCP One Bell Center +---------------------------------------------------------- Rm 17-G-4 | "Winnie-the-Pooh read the two notices very carefully, St. Louis, MO 63101 | first from left to right, and afterwards, in case he had (314) 235-3929 | missed some of it, from right to left." -- A. A. Milne -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Me, speak for my company? You must be joking. I'm just speaking my mind.