RDAVIS@UTKVX (Reid M. Davis, UTK) (01/12/90)
Dear fellow pilgrims,
I greatly appreciated the posting under the above
title concerning the signs and symptoms of inner peace.
Thank you, Elizabeth, for posting it. I have, I suppose,
an intuitive idea of what God's peace should be, but I
doubt that I could have expressed it nearly so well if
I had tried. And indeed several of the points strike me
as proper "symptoms" not only of God's peace but also of
growing maturity in Christ.
I am troubled, however, by one little problem--not
a problem with the posting but rather a problem with me.
You see, as best I can tell I don't exhibit any of these
symptoms. This makes me quite suspicious that I don't
have the disease. Oh I'm a christian, no doubt about
that. But I seem to be almost completely free from these
symptoms of peace or maturity. And, for all that, I
appear (in my own eyes--though I think some of my friends
would agree) to be happier, more contented, more at peace
(say it however you will) than most of the people (Christians,
in particular) that I know.
So, to come to the point, I would like to get this
sickness. Indeed, I would like to get it so severely as
to be contagious to my Christian brothers and sisters. I
imagine that should this happen we would all be much happier.
More importantly I believe that God would be greatly glorified
because we would be living much more Christlike lives.
I would, thus, appreciate it if some of you who have the
disease of God's peace or at least some of the symptoms of
it would tell us how you acquired (or are aquiring) it. Please
explain it simply, for I, at least, am _awfully_ dense when it
comes to such matters. And please don't let any false sense of
humility prevent you from speaking--if you know you have this
sickness _please_ speak up. I won't think you are claiming to
be perfect, but I will think you have enough of God's love to
help a brother who is dying to get sick (The Proverbs say that
open rebuke is better than hidden love. In that case, open
love must be fantastic!).
Now if you will permit me, I would like to explain a few
of the hindrances that seem to keep me from God's peace (or
what I imagine to be God's peace). I apologize in advance for
writing so much (and so much about myself); but this matter
troubles me quite a bit, and I hope that it may prove
helpful to others as well.
First of all I imagine that we should possess the peace
_of_ God because we have peace _with_ God. That is, we know
that the Father has forgiven us all our sins through Jesus
Christ. And in the sacrifice which Christ made we also learn
just how deeply God loves us. So knowing that God has forgiven
us freely and loves us deeply we seem to have some awfully
good reasons to be at peace. In fact, I suspect that all of
our love for others and good works and service to God are
supposed to flow quite naturally out of our response to
God's love (see I John 4 for instance).
But somehow I just can't get a solid grasp of what God's
love is like. Instead of perceiving myself to be loved by
God, I feel much more as though I am _tolerated_ by God.
I feel as though He will certainly save me because He is
always true to His promises, but I imagine Him doing so
rather begrudgingly. Now this point of view is certainly not
consistent with the glowing descriptions of God's love in
the Bible--I certainly see that--but I can't seem to get
away from it. First of all, it is clear to me that believers,
though saved by grace through faith alone, are still called
to live God-pleasing lives. Scriptural examples such as
Ananias and Sapphira or Demas or Simon the Sorceror or the
apostle Peter when he was rebuked by Paul (Gal. 2 I think)
or King Saul (though perhaps one may doubt his salvation) or
King David (he was forgiven his adultery, but consider how
troubled his life was afterwards) persuade me that God still
takes our life and obedience seriously. And then I look at
my own life. I am, for instance, very lazy--not only in
"secular" work, but in spiritual disciplines. In 20 years
as a Christian I have yet to establish a consistent or
satisfying prayer life, and I fear that my current attempt
will fare no better. I get angry about trivialities that
affect my comfort, but I remain uninterested or passive in
matters of real importance--salvation of the lost, oppression
of the poor, slaughter of the unborn children (yes, I know
some of you will disagree about the importance of the last
item; I'm merely saying that I think it vitally important
yet do little about it). And I still seem unable to keep
my thoughts pure. And I am willing to remain distantly
friendly with Believers who have hurt me rather than go
throught the pain which is necessary for true reconciliation.
No, these are not "great" sins like murder or immorality
or even theft or lying. But they are, I think, still displeasing
to God, and I find myself committing them day in and day out.
Indeed I see myself as powerless to do otherwise. Yes, I know
the scriptural promises of God's help, and I don't deny those
promises. But I have not, by prayer, earnest seeking, or the
best discipline I can muster, been able to make much progress
in these matters.
So I try to persuade myself that these sins really don't
matter so much and that they don't diminish God's love for me.
Of course they really _don't_ diminish God's love for me--my
brain knows this, but my heart doesn't catch on. Sometimes I
spend some time reading or praying over the statements and
promises of God's love throughout the Word. One of my favorites
is, "However, to the man who does not work, but trusts God who
justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness."
(from Rom. 6 I think). I find much encouragement that our God
is a God who justifies the wicked since that is a group which
includes me. And if I meditate on this or similar passages long
enough, my heart eventually gets the message...for a day or two
or perhaps a week. But then it forgets and I begin to think of
Ananias and Sapphira and the others again.
Second (from four paragraphs back!), I know that peace
is a fruit of the Spirit. But I don't know what to do about
that fact. I know from the Word that God's Spirit lives in
me, but as I mentioned (at least indirectly) a month or two
ago, I have no "visible" experience of His work in my life.
This is not to say that He isn't at work, but only to say that
I don't seem to have the discernment to see the kind of work
that He is doing. When I don't find peace (or other fruits
of the Spirit), then I tend to think the wickedness of my life
(see above) is keeping Him from working. But (see above) I
seem unable to do "better".
So you see some of the fears that haunt me as a Christian
(yes, I know, perfect love casts out all fear--but again, my
heart doesn't understand). As best I can tell, these same fears
haunt quite a few Christians (at least among the ones I know).
The problems and fears that I have listed here have characterized
most of my Christian life since high school. And I hate them not
only because they make me unhappy, but also because they hinder
me in glorifying God. When I cannot respond to God's love, when
I lack His peace and joy, then I fail to bear the image of Christ
and I am unable to serve God and others--I present a lie to the
world about what it means to be a follower of Christ.
I apologize again for writing at such length, and I hope
you will be patient with me. If any of you can shed some light
on how to catch this good infection (to borrow C.S. Lewis' term),
I (and perhaps many others) would be most grateful to you. Thanks
for your help and concern.
Your fellow pilgrim in Christ,
Reid M. DavisU1A9A@WVNVM (Bernice Tennant) (01/16/90)
REID,
Have you asked for and felt the presence and cleansing power of the Holy S
pirit? I have and it gave me much delight and a beautiful sense of peace and w
ell being. Five minutes later Satan gave me a disgusting thought. I tell you
this because of some of the things you said about your impure thoughts. Whenev
er they come I start praising God and they go away. I pray that God will touch
you and give you the gift of the Holy Spirit. Because we are human, and sinful
, this gift does not stay with us always. We have to be receptive of it and at
peace with God. This is only my interpretation of why and how I receive the
Holy Spirit. There is much room for improvement and growth in my soul. I am s
till seeking so God is still revealing to me. I am timid and afraid to witness
sometimes but I do love God and I hope this comes through. I don't always unde
rstand everything God has done. There are parts of the old Testament that I hav
e a hard time dealing with because it seems so cruel. But I still love God. A
s Peter said to Jesus(I think it was Peter) What choice do we have? Without C
hrist we would all be doomed. This is the most valuable and sacred peace we ca
n have: SALVATION BECAUSE OF THE GIFT OF CHRIST!! You already know that so if
you keep seeking, the rest will come.
Your friend in Christ, Bernice