Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.org (Tom Keller) (07/18/90)
Index Number: 9217
I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I *KNOW* (on the
intellectual plane) that I *AM* disabled, in several ways. But I
cannot seem to *ACCEPT* my disabilities on any plane, including the
intellectual. Denial is not uncommon, so I suppose I am not
alone.
I suffer from several problems. I am blind in one eye (legally and
uncorrectably), and have poor vision (though correctable) in the
other. I have a partially ruptured disc in my low back (L5-Sacral)
which leaves my spine unstable and me in chronic pain (I live on
3200 mG of Ibuprofen/day (and the gallon+ of water necessary to
keep that stuff from killing my kidneys!)). I am a diabetic
(though not brittle), and I suffer from diverticulitis. I have
had carpal tunnel corrective surgery on my right wrist, and though
the carpal tunnel problems are mostly gone (*RELIEF*) I have been
suffering *SEVERE* pain in the muscles of my hand ever since the
surgery (in fact, I am seeing my surgeon tomorrow to look into
this).
All that having been said (whined?), I believe my single
GREATEST disABILITY is that I have virtually *NO* self-esteem.
This is probably due (at least in most part) to my being an
AMAC. Needless to say, this last problem hampers and degrades
my life *FAR* more than the other problems do, even combined.
I see people who are blind, deaf, missing limbs, not having the
use of their limbs, suffering from brain damage, etc., etc.,
and I can only think "Now *THEY* have *REAL* disabilities. I'm
just lazy and self-indulgent." When I am being rational, I can
tell myself (intellectually) that my disabilities are real, but
I cannot seem to *BELIEVE* that.
The problem for me is that I think I have to learn to *ACCEPT*
my disabilities before I can TRULY begin to overcome them. I
am constantly getting myself into trouble through my lack of
acceptance. Just the other day, I was visting a friend, and
got involved in play with his children. Before I realized what
I was doing, I had his 11 year old daughter on my shoulders.
My back is *KILLING* me by way of "punishment," and I have no
one to blame but myself.
Why am I whining and bitching to you people? Probably because
it's "safe" for me to do so. Even if you all dsiapprove and
trash me, at least I don't have to see the disgust and disdain
in your eyes. It really *HURTS* when people look at me that
way. I try to pretend that I don't care, but deep inside me, I
know that isn't true. ~sigh~
Tom 'Bias-R-Us' Keller, INTEL Hater
{80}
...gracias en el futuro!
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!125!7!Tom.Keller
Internet: Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.orgNadine.Thomas@p59.f1.n360.z1.fidonet.org (Nadine Thomas) (07/19/90)
Index Number: 9277
In a message to All <04 Jul 90 10:24:00> Tom Keller wrote:
**STUFF DELETED*
TK> All that having been said (whined?), I believe my single
TK> GREATEST disABILITY is that I have virtually *NO* self-esteem. This
TK> is probably due (at least in most part) to my being an AMAC.
TK> Needless to say, this last problem hampers and degrades my life
TK> *FAR* more than the other problems do, even combined.
For those who do not know what AMAC is - Adults Molested As Children.
TK> I see people who are blind, deaf, missing limbs, not having the
TK> use of their limbs, suffering from brain damage, etc., etc., and I
TK> can only think "Now *THEY* have *REAL* disabilities. I'm just lazy
TK> and self-indulgent." When I am being rational, I can tell myself
TK> (intellectually) that my disabilities are real, but I cannot seem to
TK> *BELIEVE* that.
One of the problems with AMAC's as well as ACA's (adult children of
alcoholics) is the `less than' attitude. This is an attitude
parents teach children from infants on to forever. Awareness is
half the battle. Willingness, openmindedness, and honesty is the
other half.
TK> The problem for me is that I think I have to learn to *ACCEPT*
TK> my disabilities before I can TRULY begin to overcome them. I am
What would you tell a friend who came to you with this same
problem? Most likely you would tell that person to not be so hard
on themselves, put the bat away, and to look at the powerlessness
they have over their physical situation. That they have the power
to accept what they cannot change, to change what can be changed
and to have the wisdom to know the difference.
Accept what cannot be changed - people, places, things.
Change what can be changed - MY attitude and my character defects
etc.
Wisdom to know the difference - I may not be able to change my
physical problems (rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, diabetes) but I can
prevent them from getting worse - no strenuous physical activities,
stay out of the sun, not eat sugar. I need to look at those
differences and accept the RESPONSIBILITY for my own actions as
well as the CONSEQUENCES. When I first got the arthritis I was
playing softball on a league team. The more I hurt the more I
played the more I hurt the more I played etc. *I* had to break
that cycle and that was to be done by acknowledging there was a
problem and then being willing to do something about it. I now
admit to my limitations (that is NOT the same as giving up) which
in turn allows me to do more (the paradox of it all).
TK> constantly getting myself into trouble through my lack of
TK> acceptance. Just the other day, I was visting a friend, and got
TK> I have no one to blame but myself.
That's right, you are accepting the responsibility and the
consequences AND now you need to give yourself a break and put away
that BIG bat you are using on yourself to keep your self-esteem in
the sewer. "see, I knew I was a piece of sh*t - I just proved it -
it serves me right for being such a worthless moron - see I just
proved everyone right - etc" Does that ring a bell? How do I know
it so well? Cause I have been there too and not very long ago
either. I still do it from time to time but my bat is smaller and
stays in the closet for longer periods of time.
TK> Why am I whining and bitching to you people? Probably because
TK> it's "safe" for me to do so. Even if you all dsiapprove and trash
TK> me, at least I don't have to see the disgust and disdain in your
TK> eyes. It really *HURTS* when people look at me that way. I try to
TK> pretend that I don't care, but deep inside
TK> me, I know that isn't true. ~sigh~
You are not whining and bitching but you know this is a safe place
cause you have seen others get support and you need it too but
don't know how to ask for it, so you shared what is going on for
you in hopes that someone will reach back (I'm here for you).
There is no disgust or disdain in my eyes and yes that would hurt
me too if people looked at me that way. You are a WORTHWHILE human
being who deserves love, caring, and lots of tenderness. Thank you
for making yourself so vulnerable to us - you have helped me in
your openness.
Till later my friend. Here's a hug for you- (T)
Nadine Alias: Fido Bandido
*NUMERO UNO ON FIDONET MOST WANTED LIST*
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!360!1.59!Nadine.Thomas
Internet: Nadine.Thomas@p59.f1.n360.z1.fidonet.orgJean-pierre.Beland@f215.n163.z1.fidonet.org (Jean-pierre Beland) (07/19/90)
Index Number: 9287
Hi! Tom, you came to the right place to express your frustration
concerning your disability.
As one who has no diagnosis and able to walk, talk, think and see, I
have experienced the same thoughts from time to time.
in the last five years, I have met many individuals with disabilities
and they are not all in wheelchairs.I guess the "abled" think that if
you have a disability, then you must be in a wheelchair. I thought so
too, before my major problems started. The best thing to do, is to try
to enjoy life and share it with those you love.
cheers, J.P.
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!163!215!Jean-pierre.Beland
Internet: Jean-pierre.Beland@f215.n163.z1.fidonet.orgGene.Zeak@p0.f219.n137.z1.fidonet.org (Gene Zeak) (07/19/90)
Index Number: 9294
Hi Tom,
First of all, I want to say that even tho' many have probably
told you that you're a valuable person and that you're okay...it
really doesn't take. No big surprise.
I am a VERY pragmatic individual. Sometimes to the point of
being considered to be brusque and relatively unsensitive, but,
that ain't necessarily so. However, I try to unfailingly go
straight to the "bottom line" of any issue.
It seems to me that the bottom line of any "self" problem...be it
a too excellant feeling of "sef-esteem" or a really poor sense of
self-esteem, the problem is two0fold and essentially the same
one.
I may get flamed for this, but I need to tell you that what I
have to say comes from a totally committed Christian persective.
The two things are:
1. Before any emotional healing can be really accomplished, a
person needs to, not only accept Jesus Christ as Savior (and for
forgiveness) but totally commit ones whole life, all your
personall rights, and the truth about everything to Him.
2. One MUST learn the value of truth. It's invaluable! Even at
the cost of being brutally hnest with one' self.
2A. There is a principal that works in people's lives that
goes, "I will ALWAYS act in accordance with what I belive is
true." Also, it's a truth that you (anyone) will eventually
believe what you continually tell yourself.
2B. So, the real issue is that since none of us has a better
lock on what's true than God, we NEED to believe that
what He says is true...even when it conflicts with what
we feel.
In God's Word, those who accept the Lordship of His Son
are described as perfect, valuable, worthy, etc., so I
NEED often to remind myself of the truth of these
things. Why? Because my own self so often would tell me
that I'm wortless, a lousy person, a total waste of time.
If I concur with what I feel, then I end up telling
myself untruthful things...worse yet, I begin to believe
them and act as if they're true. However, if I accept
that the Lord's Word is far more true than mine could ever
be...and He says I'm great...then if I tell myself THAT
(it may take lots of repeating), I'll soon start believing
it and acting as if it's true.
That, for me, is the bottom lin: what God has to say (even about
me) has far more truth in it than anything I could say.
Enough...I'm really sorry that you feel the way you do and that it
Yhas such an effect on all parts of your life. I hope that what
I've shared helps...God, I hope it doesn't hurt...but you're
tough. Don't feel like it? Need some proof? You made it to
here, didn't you?
Love, Gene...
-- Via Opus Msg Kit v1.11
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!137!219.0!Gene.Zeak
Internet: Gene.Zeak@p0.f219.n137.z1.fidonet.orgLinda.Thompson@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.org (Linda Thompson) (07/19/90)
Index Number: 9295
Hi -- just logged into the echo and recognized your smiling typing
from the Ga. Forum. For what it's worth, I have a string of
disabilities that sound more disabling than they actually are
(acromegaly, diabetes, limited motion in left hand/wrist, bum knee
& back that puts me in and out of a wheelchair), but it actually
came as a shock to me the first time I was referred to as having a
disability. I don't look disabled (to me). I just learned that
being an ACOA is considered a disability, too, so add that.
Harumph.
Anyway, why I am writing you is I noticed you have
lupus/diabetes/rheumatoi d arthritis and thought I would pass on my
experience with getting my own disease diagnosed.
Acromegaly, when it affects children, causes "gigantism" -- the kid
gets REALLY big. In adults, however, it is an insidious process
(much slower), but the person appears to be aging too rapidly.
Many people mistake the changes for old age (dry skin, aching
joints, unbelievable fatigue, changes in the shape of the feet,
hands, jaws, weight gain.) I went from doctor to doctor, not
believing that a person who is normally pretty hyper could feel
THAT BAD all the time. I didn't think it was "all in my head" --
I'm not normally a depressed person (but not finding out what is
*REALLY* wrong causes its OWN depression). During the course of
attempted diagnoses, I showed up a high positive on a RA titer test
(one of the tests for rheumatoid arthritis and lupus). I was
variously diagnosed along the way as having: Hodgkins disease,
lupus, MS, RA, among others. Finally went to a medical school
library and studied and studied, determined the tests that would
eliminate the various diagnoses (or confirm them) and went to a
doctor with pictures of how I had changed in appearance over a five
year period (I grew 2" in height, gained 70 pounds, two shoe
sizes). Acromegaly causes diabetes, too. FINALLY they got the
diagnosis right.
Anyway, as a consequence of the mis-diagnoses, I became well
informed on lupus (even joined the Lupus group in Indiana) and
rheumatoid arthritis (my high RA titer is more likely attributable
to actually having had rheumatic fever as a kid...).
Apparently, many doctors still view lupus, MS, acromegaly and
diseases caused by various hormone disorders as exotic because it
sure was hard to find somebody who knew enough about all of them to
know which ones I DIDN'T have and what I DID have. Mentally, it
was a major relief. The active phases of acromegaly come and go,
too, and it is pretty similar in its effects to lupus (when it is
active, muscles grow and get disproportionately strong with no
exercise, kinda like megasteroids, however, this is incredibly
painful, causing joint aches, muscles aches, etc. at different
places, different times -- you know the "all in your head" scenario
of moving pain...)
From the many people I now know who have lupus, MS, and RA, it
would appear that my experience is pretty common. What are they
teaching these guys in medical school, anyway? For me, diagnosis
was 90% of the "cure" because I changed my mental perspective a lot
from then on -- I knew what I was up against (I had met the
enemy...) and I could and would deal with it.
It's not fair for you to compare yourself to your counselor in the
wheelchair. We each get our own cards dealt to us. Having been in
a wheelchair (pregnant, too) and limited, I was still able to
attend college, take care of my kids and have foster kids -- I
*COULDN'T* do much of this during the active phases of the
acromegaly because of fatigue. Pain causes fatigue. Fatigue
causes depression. Depression exacerbates fatigue and pain. When
you compare yourself to your counselor, you are comparing apples to
oranges. Give yourself credit where credit is due and don't be so
hard on yourself!
# Origin: Atlanta Medical Forum -- (404) 351-9757 (8:7301/204)
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!129!34!Linda.Thompson
Internet: Linda.Thompson@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.orgGreg.See-Kee@f631.n712.z3.fidonet.org (Greg See-Kee) (07/21/90)
Index Number: 9353
GZ> I am a VERY pragmatic individual. Sometimes to the point of
GZ> being considered to be brusque and relatively unsensitive, but,
GZ> that ain't necessarily so. However, I try to unfailingly go
GZ> straight to the "bottom line" of any issue.
To amplify any such TERSE & seemingly BRUTAL overtones, this BBS
CONFERENCE communication medium does not help. Trying to create
a full impression of the TOTAL person behind the messages is
almost impossible - in these Fidonet conferences.
GZ> 1. Before any emotional healing can be really accomplished, a
^^^^^^
GZ> person needs to, not only accept Jesus Christ as Savior
^^^^^
GZ> (and for forgiveness) but totally commit ones whole life, all
GZ> your personall rights, and the truth about
everything to Him.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I feel very SORRY for you. You are putting ALL your eggs in
the ONE basket. Very many studies show that the Alcoholics
Anonymous approach does NOT suit the majority of alcoholics.
By trying to adopt your extremism, many people are being
condemned to longtime (if not life-long) misery. In a truly free
society, we also have the freedom to seek alternatives.
GZ> 2A. There is a principal that works in people's lives that
GZ> goes, "I will ALWAYS act in accordance with what I
GZ> belive is true." Also, it's a truth that you (anyone) will
GZ> eventually believe what you continually tell yourself.
Hence the dreadful waste of money & emotion on all sorts of
"miracle" cures!
GZ> 2B. So, the real issue is that since none of us has a better
GZ> lock on what's true than God, we NEED to believe that
^^^
GZ> what He says is true...even when it conflicts with what
^^
GZ> we feel.
Again I feel very sorry for you. Most people in the world don't
have just one "god". For example, they might believe in "Lady
Luck", or the Saints, or the "Devil(s)", or even "Interplanetary
Beings".
I hope that you are being sexist "He" - because of the shotomings
of the English-language, which does not have a neuter-sex to
replace She and He.
GZ> that the Lord's Word is far more true
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'd rather beieve in the scientific-medical training of the
people we call medical physicians or nurses, or para-medics.
When the desert-living Arabs wrote their books, they didn't know
about micro-surgery and anti-biotics.
... c:\dos\sign.lis
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!3!712!631!Greg.See-Kee
Internet: Greg.See-Kee@f631.n712.z3.fidonet.orgLinda.Thompson@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.org (Linda Thompson) (07/24/90)
Index Number: 9438
My "coping techniques" consist largely of getting madder at
something else than however mad/disgusted/frustrated I might be at
my body at the time and directing the energy elsewhere. Doesn't
have to be anger, just re-directing the energy, however, getting
angry will at least give me the wherewithall to at least get off my
duff and *do* something else. This can require enough energy for
the *mad* to wear off and I have enough of a head of steam to keep
me rolling (oh well, it works for me...).
During the easiest of times, inspiration works as well (i.e.,
acquiring an interest in something that inspires me to be busy at
it).
My personal feeling is that fatigue (which is caused by a number of
things associated with various conditions) is the number one
life-taker. It can deprive one of the energy to live and even the
energy for the will to live. It leads to apathy, depression, more
fatigue. Bone-rending, gut-wrenching, downright never-ending
fatigue. Hate it.
Since I work with personal injuries (and am personally acquainted
with a couple myself...), I once set about trying to prepare an
argument to present to a jury about "What is unendurable pain?"
By definition, if you are alive, your pain is "endurable", yes?
You, by your mere living presence, have proved that the pain is
"endurable." Then, what is agony? In defining agony, pain and
fatigue are closely allied, since one feeds on the other. That is
the p.o.a. (prisoner of agony) situation that many disabled people
live with daily. That is the condition that is virtually
impossible to convey to anyone who has never lived it.
What would someone have to pay you to live with a headache for five
minutes? A toothache? How about for two hours? How about three
days? What about your whole lifetime? What about ten toothaches
at once?
(How did I get on this?) Anyway, I admire the people who cope,
however they do it.
# Origin: Atlanta Medical Forum -- (404) 351-9757 (8:7301/204)
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!129!34!Linda.Thompson
Internet: Linda.Thompson@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.orgNadine.Thomas@p59.f1.n360.z1.fidonet.org (Nadine Thomas) (07/24/90)
Index Number: 9459
In a message to Mike Johnson <16 Jul 90 18:55:00> Linda Thompson wrote:
LT> Would like to compile a reference list of places to obtain
LT> computer-aids for disabilities. Somebody start the ball rolling.
Linda, AT&T has a huge packet of that kind of info.... I forget the
800 number maybe someone else can supply that. The info is free of
charge and is filled with flyers of all different types of computer
aids for disabilities. It might be what you are wanting.
Nadine
--
Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!360!1.59!Nadine.Thomas
Internet: Nadine.Thomas@p59.f1.n360.z1.fidonet.org