[misc.handicap] PRIDE & PUNISHMENT

Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.org (Tom Keller) (07/24/90)

Index Number: 9462

In a message on 14 Jul 90, Adrienne Barhydt (1:105/14.0) writes:
 
>> My back is *KILLING* me by way of "punishment," and I have no
>> one to blame but myself.
 
> Punishment, why punishment?  You've done nothing bad.  You made
> a mistake.  I make the same sort of mistake all the time.  I hope I
 
Adrienne,
 
    Why punishment?   Because the first few times I make this
"mistake," I can write it off as a mistake.  I have had a bad
back for 8 years now.  This is nothing new.  This is me being
"macho," and not acknowledging to myself, or to the world, 
that my body isn't healthy or normal.
 
    When I was younger, I worked occasionally as a "roadie" for
rock groups (It's A Beautiful Day, Sopwith Camel, Big Brother and
the Holding Company, New Riders of the Purple Sage, among others).
They liked to hire me because I was strong, fast, and careful of the
equipment.  I was able to lift and move 500 lbs by myself, safely.
Now, 10 lb bag of flour can ruin my week, if I pick it up wrong.
 
    I developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand, and
ended up having corrective surgery for it 4 months ago.  Now, my 
hand hurts almost as much (albeit differently) on a pretty much
constant basis, I have lost 70% of the grip strength I once had,
and I am not SUPPOSED to use hand tools, do serious cutting (I am
cook of some skill), or otherwise "stress" my hand.
 
    I suffer from severe obstructive sleep apnea.  I must connect
myself to an air pump (Nasal CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway
Pressurization)) every night, or I might die in my sleep.  This means
that I am tethered to my bed at home.  I cannot go out camping 
with my daughter and her Girl Scout Troop.  I cannot (easily)
spend a night away from home.  I live in *TERROR* of a power 
failure in the mmiddle of the night.
 
    The above is a partial list of the problems I am suffering...I
also have fairly severe diverticulitis, arthritis (not crippling, yet)
I am blind in one eye, poor but correctable vision in the other, 
ulcers, diabetes, and am working desparately to overcome the 
psychological damage of being an AMAC.  
 
    I understand COMPLETELY what you say about resentment.  I
want to be healthy again!  I want to be free to do what *I*
want to do, without having to suffer for it, or avoid it because
I know I will suffer for it.
 
    (whine, bitch, moan, complain)
 
    Aw, hell.  I'm pissed off about my minor disabilities, while
talking to an audience which includes people with SERIOUS problems.
Despite the resentment and the frustration I feel, I also feel
self-serving and petty.   I mean, I should consider myself lucky
not to be worse off than I am.  Or so society keeps telling me.
 
               ************   A   R   G   H   **********
 

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Gene.Zeak@p0.f219.n137.z1.fidonet.org (Gene Zeak) (07/25/90)

Index Number: 9510

>    The above is a partial list of the problems I am suffering...I 
>also have fairly severe diverticulitis, arthritis (not crippling, yet) 
>I am blind in one eye, poor but correctable vision in the other, 
>ulcers, diabetes, and am working desparately to overcome the 
>psychological damage of being an AMAC.  
> 
>    I understand COMPLETELY what you say about resentment.  I 
>want to be healthy again!  I want to be free to do what *I* 
>want to do, without having to suffer for it, or avoid it because 
>I know I will suffer for it. 
> 
>    (whine, bitch, moan, complain) 
> 
>    Aw, hell.  I'm pissed off about my minor disabilities, while 
>talking to an audience which includes people with SERIOUS problems. 
>Despite the resentment and the frustration I feel, I also feel 
>self-serving and petty.   I mean, I should consider myself lucky 
>not to be worse off than I am.  Or so society keeps telling me. 
> 
>               ************   A   R   G   H   ********** 

Hi Tom...

Let me tell you that while it's true some of us here have more 
difficult challanges to deal with than you do, it's entirely 
*human* for anyone to think that theirs is the very worst.  The 
reason is pretty easy to understand...you nor I can walk in 
anyone elses shoes, so we can never really know what it's like 
for them.

The problem you describe is pretty much the same one I deal 
with...you want to do what *you* want to do *when* you want to do 
it.  Soon after I awoke in the hospital, I was talking to a 
long-time MSer on the phone.  I'll probably never forget what he 
said..."Gene, you can still do all the things you ever did...the 
only difference is that you'll have to figure out new ways to do 
some of them and some of them will take longer to do."  Since 
then, I've found his words to generally be true.  Some of the 
things I wanted to do that required a different approach or took 
longer to accomplish were things that I just decided weren't 
worth the effort.  Some were.

I think what I'm trying to say goes something like this, "I have 
a finite number of resoures and a finite amount of energy, it's 
important that I intelligently *choose* what I spend them on."

As far as how I feel about me, I understand that my *feelings* 
are fairly primitive stuff.  What that means to me is that I 
can't help feeling most of what I feel, but it won't do me any 
good to sit around and concentrate on it.  Being primitive, my 
feeling are also fluid...they will change as time goes on, then 
I'll feel different...maybe better...maybe worse...but, 
different.  So, the message there is, "Just hang on and wait for 
the change."

Right now, it seems that your main problem is that, somehow, your 
optical nerve has gotten tangled up with your anal nerve...that 
gives one a crappy outlook on life...grin!  Now, THAT'S 
something I know about!

Later, Gene...

-- Via Opus Msg Kit v1.11

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Anne.Willis@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.org (Anne Willis) (07/25/90)

Index Number: 9515

Tom, I read your message several times while I was trying to think
of what I wanted to tell you.  First I don't think you should feel
like you're complaining.  It is hard to deal with things at times.
Myself, I don't compare my illness against others.  Whatever you
are suffering and feeling is unto you alone.  Others can sympatize
with you and a great many others DO know what you are going
through, especially if they have same or similar curcumstances.
But only YOU know what you are feeling inside.  I've had people
around me say (for example) they have the flu or someting, and then
they say, " Oh, I shouldn't complain to you, after all you've gone
though much worse".  And I tell them they shouldn't compare their
problem to mine. Because for them it IS a problem, and just because
I've been though some tough times does not diminish their illness
in the least.  I know that at times it might be easy to tell
yourself that you shouldn't complain because there are people worse
off than you, but I think that's not being fair to yourself. You
should let yourself feel what ever you feel without remorse. It's
not so bad if you let yourself feel sad or angry.  I just
personally believe that you need that as long as you don't let it
become all consuming. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to not
be so hard on yourself.  I hope you understand what I'm saying as
sometimes I'm not sure if I clearly state what I'm trying to say.
			     Take care, Anne
 # Origin: Atlanta Medical Forum -- (404) 351-9757  (8:7301/204)

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