Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.org (Tom Keller) (07/24/90)
Index Number: 9462 In a message on 14 Jul 90, Adrienne Barhydt (1:105/14.0) writes: >> My back is *KILLING* me by way of "punishment," and I have no >> one to blame but myself. > Punishment, why punishment? You've done nothing bad. You made > a mistake. I make the same sort of mistake all the time. I hope I Adrienne, Why punishment? Because the first few times I make this "mistake," I can write it off as a mistake. I have had a bad back for 8 years now. This is nothing new. This is me being "macho," and not acknowledging to myself, or to the world, that my body isn't healthy or normal. When I was younger, I worked occasionally as a "roadie" for rock groups (It's A Beautiful Day, Sopwith Camel, Big Brother and the Holding Company, New Riders of the Purple Sage, among others). They liked to hire me because I was strong, fast, and careful of the equipment. I was able to lift and move 500 lbs by myself, safely. Now, 10 lb bag of flour can ruin my week, if I pick it up wrong. I developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand, and ended up having corrective surgery for it 4 months ago. Now, my hand hurts almost as much (albeit differently) on a pretty much constant basis, I have lost 70% of the grip strength I once had, and I am not SUPPOSED to use hand tools, do serious cutting (I am cook of some skill), or otherwise "stress" my hand. I suffer from severe obstructive sleep apnea. I must connect myself to an air pump (Nasal CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressurization)) every night, or I might die in my sleep. This means that I am tethered to my bed at home. I cannot go out camping with my daughter and her Girl Scout Troop. I cannot (easily) spend a night away from home. I live in *TERROR* of a power failure in the mmiddle of the night. The above is a partial list of the problems I am suffering...I also have fairly severe diverticulitis, arthritis (not crippling, yet) I am blind in one eye, poor but correctable vision in the other, ulcers, diabetes, and am working desparately to overcome the psychological damage of being an AMAC. I understand COMPLETELY what you say about resentment. I want to be healthy again! I want to be free to do what *I* want to do, without having to suffer for it, or avoid it because I know I will suffer for it. (whine, bitch, moan, complain) Aw, hell. I'm pissed off about my minor disabilities, while talking to an audience which includes people with SERIOUS problems. Despite the resentment and the frustration I feel, I also feel self-serving and petty. I mean, I should consider myself lucky not to be worse off than I am. Or so society keeps telling me. ************ A R G H ********** -- Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!125!7!Tom.Keller Internet: Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.org
Gene.Zeak@p0.f219.n137.z1.fidonet.org (Gene Zeak) (07/25/90)
Index Number: 9510 > The above is a partial list of the problems I am suffering...I >also have fairly severe diverticulitis, arthritis (not crippling, yet) >I am blind in one eye, poor but correctable vision in the other, >ulcers, diabetes, and am working desparately to overcome the >psychological damage of being an AMAC. > > I understand COMPLETELY what you say about resentment. I >want to be healthy again! I want to be free to do what *I* >want to do, without having to suffer for it, or avoid it because >I know I will suffer for it. > > (whine, bitch, moan, complain) > > Aw, hell. I'm pissed off about my minor disabilities, while >talking to an audience which includes people with SERIOUS problems. >Despite the resentment and the frustration I feel, I also feel >self-serving and petty. I mean, I should consider myself lucky >not to be worse off than I am. Or so society keeps telling me. > > ************ A R G H ********** Hi Tom... Let me tell you that while it's true some of us here have more difficult challanges to deal with than you do, it's entirely *human* for anyone to think that theirs is the very worst. The reason is pretty easy to understand...you nor I can walk in anyone elses shoes, so we can never really know what it's like for them. The problem you describe is pretty much the same one I deal with...you want to do what *you* want to do *when* you want to do it. Soon after I awoke in the hospital, I was talking to a long-time MSer on the phone. I'll probably never forget what he said..."Gene, you can still do all the things you ever did...the only difference is that you'll have to figure out new ways to do some of them and some of them will take longer to do." Since then, I've found his words to generally be true. Some of the things I wanted to do that required a different approach or took longer to accomplish were things that I just decided weren't worth the effort. Some were. I think what I'm trying to say goes something like this, "I have a finite number of resoures and a finite amount of energy, it's important that I intelligently *choose* what I spend them on." As far as how I feel about me, I understand that my *feelings* are fairly primitive stuff. What that means to me is that I can't help feeling most of what I feel, but it won't do me any good to sit around and concentrate on it. Being primitive, my feeling are also fluid...they will change as time goes on, then I'll feel different...maybe better...maybe worse...but, different. So, the message there is, "Just hang on and wait for the change." Right now, it seems that your main problem is that, somehow, your optical nerve has gotten tangled up with your anal nerve...that gives one a crappy outlook on life...grin! Now, THAT'S something I know about! Later, Gene... -- Via Opus Msg Kit v1.11 -- Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!137!219.0!Gene.Zeak Internet: Gene.Zeak@p0.f219.n137.z1.fidonet.org
Anne.Willis@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.org (Anne Willis) (07/25/90)
Index Number: 9515 Tom, I read your message several times while I was trying to think of what I wanted to tell you. First I don't think you should feel like you're complaining. It is hard to deal with things at times. Myself, I don't compare my illness against others. Whatever you are suffering and feeling is unto you alone. Others can sympatize with you and a great many others DO know what you are going through, especially if they have same or similar curcumstances. But only YOU know what you are feeling inside. I've had people around me say (for example) they have the flu or someting, and then they say, " Oh, I shouldn't complain to you, after all you've gone though much worse". And I tell them they shouldn't compare their problem to mine. Because for them it IS a problem, and just because I've been though some tough times does not diminish their illness in the least. I know that at times it might be easy to tell yourself that you shouldn't complain because there are people worse off than you, but I think that's not being fair to yourself. You should let yourself feel what ever you feel without remorse. It's not so bad if you let yourself feel sad or angry. I just personally believe that you need that as long as you don't let it become all consuming. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to not be so hard on yourself. I hope you understand what I'm saying as sometimes I'm not sure if I clearly state what I'm trying to say. Take care, Anne # Origin: Atlanta Medical Forum -- (404) 351-9757 (8:7301/204) -- Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!129!34!Anne.Willis Internet: Anne.Willis@f34.n129.z1.fidonet.org