Patricia.Ferguson@f13.n123.z1.fidonet.org (Patricia Ferguson) (08/21/90)
Index Number: 9908
TK> **SO** deeply that it is the ONLY thing I know of which gets
TK> past my barriers, and starts to bring the emotional baggage
TK> of my survivorship to the surface. Since that baggage is so
TK> intense, I am terrified of it, particularly in an
TK> uncontrolled environment. SO I fight it down. It literally
TK> makes me physcially ill to go through this.
TK> One of the points I am trying to make here is that it was
TK> only yesterday, during this episode, that I finally realized
TK> *WHY* I hate going through this. I realized that it was
TK> threatening my "protective" barriers.
Tom, I know that this must be very hard for you to talk about, but isn't it
wonderful that you realize why it disturbs you so much now? Just think,
there are people where NOTHING can get through to them emotionally.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for you being able to discuss this in
such depth to all of us here. Maybe it wont be so uncontrollable from now
on and you can view things in a different perspective when the situation
arises next time. Good luck! BTW, we all have protective barriers,
sometimes we just dont realize it.
TK> evidenced by my long-winded self-pity in this message). IN
Gee, I didn't view this as "long-winded self-pity"! Just sounded like "open
discussion" to me!
TK> *NO ONE* I could talk to about this. Paula is also
TK> currently involved in a survivor's healing process, and I
TK> cannot burden her with this load. SO, here I am, pouring my
I'm not real sure what you mean when you say that Paula is involved in a
survivor's healing process. But dont forget that part of someone elses
healing may include the need for them to be available for others to lean on.
I know from my own experience, that I have a need to be "needed" and I want
my partner to be able to lean on me with their problems and concerns,
especially when they are so important as to have affected them so
emotionally. And I dont view it as a burden, more like a relief to know
what was bothering my partner so intensely.
TK> part, I somehow feel I am safe here. Maybe it's the
TK> anonymity, maybe it's that I have gotten poositive feedback
TK> in the past, I don't know.
I know the feeling! I somehow feel safe here also. I may not be here
as often as I would like to be, but when I am here I feel like I am among
family almost, sometimes closer than family. Glad your here!
TK> I do know that discovering all my internal anger and pain
TK> coming so close to the surface frightened me very much.
Frightening yes, but relax now! The hard part is over!
Unclench those fists! (grin) Take care....
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