71521.2451@CompuServe.COM (Tzipporah BenAvraham) (10/24/90)
Index Number: 11238
I was asked to write this by a dear friend, Ambassador John
MacDonald of the Iowa Peace Institute. This very fine ambassador
was my "gate" to the UN Decade of Disabled and has nurtured me
along in may aspects. He wrote that remarkable international law.
In devotion to my dear friend, I am going to tell you about
my first "sightless dream" after I went blind. There are many
more "insights" he has encouraged me to share. This is one of
many.
MY FIRST SIGHTLESS DREAM
November of 1981 until March of 1982 was a time of
physical deterioration for me. Slowly my vision was "tunneling"
and I had this terrible feeling of being closed into a box.
I was always feeling I was hitting someone with a black brick
when I would turn to them and my range of vision met their
face. Migraine headaches were a daily occurance. The optic chiasm
was being blocked slowly and crushed. As the pressure built,
I was slowly loosing all I had of the visual world. In confusion
and silent tearful torment I accepted the inevitable. I was
progressively going blind. And my life was a dance of visual
delights. I was even a textile artist once and the thought of
loosing my sight was more terrifying than cancer.
I am not sure of the precise date of my total blindness.
I am sure of this. On February 12, 1982 a Opthomologist at
a health and hospitals corporation hospital in NYC did a visual
feild of me. Clearly I had about 10% of my vision in both eyes
with a tunnel effect that was dramaticly evident. The Doctor
thought I had a brain tumor. My headaches were impossible. I was
placed on ergometrium tartrate for the severe migraines and
heard the startled gasps from doctors and medical professional
during my 21 day hospitalization as blood would ooze from my
eyes. I would be lethargic and listless. I was released to come
back March 16 1982 to neuro clinic for more evaluations. Lots
of neuro problems and no clear diagnosis.
I came back dutifuly to the clinic on March 16. I had a
severe asthma attack and went to the emergency room. On that
form, it states "blind woman in ER having asthma attack". This is
the first time "blind" was attached to my name. Sometime between
February 12 and March 16 of 1982 I went totally blind! And here
was the first medical wording on this effect.
The doctors in the eye and neuro clinic were all very
sympathetic and gentle. many spoke softly to me. My hearing was
more acute than ever. Sound was indiscriminately from every direction.
Every whisper was as intense as a shout. I was shaking (literally)
in fear. I heard one "nurse" say "how sad.. she is a young woman
too! Look at how scared she is!" She said this not 6 feet from me.
There was nobody else in that examination room except her and another
nurse. She was talking about me! And I choked back a tear of fright.
March 16, 1982 I went home from the clinic. Papers had to be
signed. Therapy prepared. more xrays.. more evaluations. I stumbled
like a aimless zombie about the hospital clinic floors. I got home,
went to my bed and cried. I felt as if I was crying the whole Croton
Reservoir out of my eyes. And the headaches continued.
Then I was shaking. The doctors thought I may have Huntington's
Chorea. More tests. More shrugs of the shoulders. And more frustration.
No answers. I thought about what to do. I called several agencies
for the blind and asked advice. The wonderful Industrial Home for the
Blind would see me and help me learn to cope. And a fine social worker
came to my home and saved me from a series of anguishes. He was helping
me get papers, forms, and taught me some funadmentals of living as a
blind person. He helped my doctors fill out my certificate of legal
blindness and hoped for the best. The broad shoulders of this fine
professional in April 1982 made my life somewhat more bearable. But
the shaking continued. I was in torment all the time. I would never
see another sunset, or the sardonyx color of a sparrow, or my
lace and embroidery. I cried too much and felt depsondant.
I was thinking I should go back to my hospital in Chicago
where they knew me for so long. I left Chicago in July of 1978
to come to NYC. Chicago was my home city! All my MDs were there
and all my records. I had to go. I asked a million questions. I
also asked philanthropies to help me. I got there by using a
cheap Amtrak ticket. I could only see vasaline as the train went
past lovely farms and foliage. The crying was constant. The loss
was hitting me so hard I was sick. From March to May, I lost 50 pounds.
I could not even swallow.. I was humiliated that a fork of food ended
up in my nose and not my mouth. That I missed my face by a long shot
and kept hitting my head on the common cabinets. And I cried for the
innocence I had lost.
I went to Mt Sinai Hospital Chicago in May of 1982. I stayed
22 days. They found an erroded BONE in my brain.. the sella tursica
which holds the pituitary gland. Eroded, thinned and enlarged! This
bone was a mess and above it is the optic chiasm. This bone was
crushed. Blindness! Optic nerve atrophy. Nothing to do. Just fill
out more papers. And I was still shaking like I had Huntington's.
No explanation for it. Just an array of evidence of serious permanant
problems.
I was still missing my lovely visual input. There had to be
a reason. The shakes made no sense.
THE DREAM
From March 82 to June 82 I was fretful. I received an array
of therapies and was learning blindness need not be so tragic.
I met blind professionals. I was learning.. slowly slowly. And
on June 12, 1982.. I had a dream. It was the most lovely dream I
ever had. I had learned slowly that there were other ways to learn
the world. Smell, sound, taste all were important. I loved the
smell of the hyacynth in the back yard. I heard the sparrows
of Brooklyn chirp with their accents as well. I loved the fresh
strawberries. And I felt my beloved embroideries. I heard a story
that one princess who was blind had a series of "embroideries" of
books. That she hired people to do this embroidery so she could
"feel" the letters and "read" again. I was still choreac and could
not understand it.
Then I fell asleep, holding a piece of embroidery with a
rose on it. I put on my favorite perfume and fresh sheets on
my bed. The breeze was blowing in the basement window and I was
clean and happy after listening to "Silas Marner" on a talking
book. Then the most wonderful thing happened.
I had this dream:
I was in a field of fresh herbs and flowers. I could smell
the freshness of the herbs.. like a favorite shampoo I used at the
time. I bent down and pulled the herbs in my hands. I crushed them
and smelled them. I could not see them but the smell was so
compelling I had to reach for it as a child reaches for a toy.
There was also a fresh smell sweet with sugar. I was crawling
on my hands and knees in these herbs. They felt cool and let out
their perfume as I crawled on them. I finally felt a small heart
shaped berry. I picked it up ever so carefully. I took it to
my nose and crushed it. It was a fresh sweet strawberry! Wild
strawberry patch! I gathered many in my embroidered handkerchief
and let the most amazing sweetness roll on my toungue.
There were birds singing like the Audobon let loose! Many
chirps and serene twitters. Gurgling sounds of bobwhites, and the
flapping of the wings of wild geese. I remembered those rustling
sounds from a place I lived in called Burton's Bridge Illinois.
This was across the street from the Fox River. I wished for
the sounds of water gurgling and lo and behold! I had my wish..
my dream come true!
A waterfall! Bubbles and joy as the warm but not scorching
sun hit my face. I walked gingerly to the waterfall. I could not see
any of it. I was listening, feeling, touching. I was experiencing
the lovliness of nature in a vivid dream. I loved it. And the
sweet waterfall water tasted sweet as I ate some of the strawberries
and drank the most clear delicious water I had ever tasted! I felt
a slippery fish flow through my hands. Its fins tickled my hands
as it slithered on. I splashed the waterfall water on me. All over
and discovered my dress was highly embroidered. Flowing and light
and now hopelessly wet! A small bird was singing a sweet song near
me and seemed to laugh as the water did.
I smelled perfume in back of me. Lilacs! Roses! Lily
of the Valley. Late spring and early summer flowers. Pungent
cabbage roses. I touched the flowers and became drunk from
the fragrance. This garden of eden was making me dizzy.
Then a doe walked up to me, wanting to nibble the
strawberries. It soft fur was lovely. It first jerked away and
shook its head from my hands. Then, I stroked it on the back of its
head and its downy fur suddenly landed gently on my shoulder.
The doe was like a placid baby seeking softness. Its head was
resting on my shoulder almost aware I could not see it. I emptied the
stawberries into my hand and fed her. Her little muzzle licked
and nibbled all of them away. I led her by holding her shoulder
to the strawberry patch. She ate and then I heard her drinking in
the sweet waterfall.
And I breathed in this magnificent garden and smiled with
an inner glow.
Then the alarm clock rang. It was morning. It was time
to wake up and prepare for therapy. And the shaking stopped.
It was over with. I never again had the choreac shakes. I was at
peace with my blindness. For once I was at peace. For the first time
in months. And I smiled, always remembering the gentle dream
without sight.