Chris.Brown@f113.n163.z1.fidonet.org (Chris Brown) (12/05/90)
Index Number: 12212
A friend of mine who is a disabled activist says there are statistics
indicating that when one person of a couple becomes disabled, the other
usually leaves. The rate of abandonment is higher if it is the woman who
becomes disabled. Many members of our self help group have all kinds of
problems with relatives and close family over their inability to accept
and get on with life.
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!163!113!Chris.Brown
Internet: Chris.Brown@f113.n163.z1.fidonet.orgLee.Kerr@f7.n300.z1.fidonet.org (Lee Kerr) (12/05/90)
Index Number: 12219
i KNOW THE FEELING. I can understand what you are going through th be
different than the others in the family. A good many times we thinkj
differently than they might, and for sure, most5 of them dont junderstand
what is happening. Theare is no way I can see that a piece of wood layed
over the stairs for a temporary ramp could hurt a thing. As far as thea
chair doing the carpeting any harm, I dont think so. THAT IS A CROCK OF
BULL. I really shouldnt sound off like that but thingsa like that make me
angry and I guess that is just the way I am. In reality, I think those of
us without what might be considered a disanbility are afraid of what it
might be likje with one. All which is seen by them is the negative side
of things and never the abilities and thea desires of those jof us with
them.
There are more preferable ways to assist someonea in moving about than
DRAGGING them from place to place as you discribed. It sounds likje the
day was living hell and I would not have wanted to have indured it. I
think I would have left. There is no reason for them to be that way,
fears or not. Some person who trys to make themselves look big by putting
another person down is only making themselves look little, or should I say
SMALLER THAN SMALL. If yoou would like, I have no objection to you
printing my comoments and giving it to them. I hope you do///// That kind
dof thing really gets me mad.
I never have tried apple oor plum wood with turkey but I am going tyo try
to get some before I do the next one.
Hope things get better up your way.
Chat again soon........................Lee
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!300!7!Lee.Kerr
Internet: Lee.Kerr@f7.n300.z1.fidonet.orgPandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Pandora Nigh) (12/07/90)
Index Number: 12401
Hi Chris, yes I think that alot of relationships breakdown with
disabilities. I think for the most part when it is the woman it hurts
more in a one-on-one relationship that fails. We still perceive women as
care givers in this country and when the "care giver' is disAbled it
tends to throw the other off kilter. I find it ironic that I have
problems with my family and not with male companions. Even my ex and I
didn't break up over my disability. It kind of puts a cabash to the old
axiom that home is the place that you can go when nobody else will take
you.
Pandora
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Pandora.Nigh
Internet: Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgPandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Pandora Nigh) (12/07/90)
Index Number: 12402
Hi Frank, I wonder if it is dads and sons and mothers and daughters
that don't seem to click well. I wonder if part of the problem lies that
they see us as extensions of themselves and if we become disabled we
can't live up to what they perceive they want to be. My father is very
proud of me. He supports alot of things that I do and you can see the
glow of pride and warmth when he talks of things like my show and
volunteer work. My mother on the other hand seems to think that I just
am a burden and serve no great purpose. I don't make big bucks like my
sister and one brother, I don't look like a cover girl like my sister,
and I get SSA which to her is being like a welfare leach. Of course she
feels sorry for Ray that he has to put up with me and it is costing him
unnecessary money for him to fix and help me around the house. Of course
this is not an overly new view for her. When I was married her standard
phrase was "the woman gives 90% and the man 10% " and if you didn't go
along with her stats and situation then you were at fault. My ex would
get drunk alot and then pound on me. When this first started happening I
didn't want to sya exactly what was happening and Irun and lock my self
in the den and then call home and ask them to please pick me up. Then I
would get the old standard and "you have to work things out between
yourselves". Of course being a Catholic family when ever I brouched the
subject of divorce all Hell broke loose. I fianly wised up on that
situation and did divorce him. I knew at that time no matter how hard it
would be for me and the baby to live alone that it would be better than
moving in with my parents. So like you for a long time I have been
physically removed from them. But you still make those once in a while
contacts. I'm luck that the once amonth I talk to her on the phone is of
short duration and she doesn't do much accept to tell me to get my hair
cut.
Pandora
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Pandora.Nigh
Internet: Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgGary.Greiner@f21.n272.z1.fidonet.org (Gary Greiner) (12/07/90)
Index Number: 12405
CB> A friend of mine who is a disabled activist says there are statistics
CB> indicating that when one person of a couple becomes disabled, the othe
CB> usually leaves. The rate of abandonment is higher if it is the woman
CB> becomes disabled. Many members of our self help group have all kinds
CB> problems with relatives and close family over their inability to accep
CB> and get on with life.
CB> ---
Hi Chris!
It is QUITE frequent that when one person of a couple (to use your
phrase) is diagnosed with cancer divorce results.
Cheers,
TM
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!272!21!Gary.Greiner
Internet: Gary.Greiner@f21.n272.z1.fidonet.orgkathyj@pase70.Convergent.Com (Kathy Johnson) (12/10/90)
Index Number: 12428 In article <16128@bunker.UUCP> Chris.Brown@f113.n163.z1.fidonet.org writes: >Index Number: 12212 > >A friend of mine who is a disabled activist says there are statistics >indicating that when one person of a couple becomes disabled, the other >usually leaves. The rate of abandonment is higher if it is the woman who >becomes disabled. Many members of our self help group have all kinds of >problems with relatives and close family over their inability to accept >and get on with life. > I can believe those stats because the same kind of numbers occur when there is death of a child or a similar crises. I know of one couple who divorced after the wife's last remaining relative (her mother) died. She basically threw out her whole life (all her keepsakes and family heirlooms) and ran off with a used car salesman she had known for 2 days. I think that when something beyond our control drastically changes our lives, there is an impulse to pitch everything and run. Of course if you understand that the impulse is natural, but not neccessarily in your own best interest, you can overcome it and handle panic in a more productive way. I would like to believe that if my husband became severely disabled that our relationship would continue. I know that my husband puts up with a lot (carrying some of the load for things that I simply am unable to do when my chronic condition recurs, and putting up with my frustration/self anger at not being able to do those things myself) and I am only intermitantly disabled in minor ways. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Kathy M. Johnson Unisys has, takes, or claims Unisys, San Jose absolutely no responsibility for this posting.