[misc.handicap] child or not to child

Nadine.Thomas@p1.f7.n300.z1.fidonet.org (Nadine Thomas) (01/10/91)

Index Number: 12785

Hi Alan....

Your question raised a lot of thought for me.

First is the thought if the child would be genetically compromised
- the fact that your wife is healthy would give the child a
healthier chance in life.  Some may think this thinking is cruel
but I have been around too many kids who were conceived with the
parents KNOWING the kids faced severe and fatal disabilities

- I thought those people selfish with no thought to the pain and
suffering the children were going to go through in their VERY SHORT
lives. I worked in a lab and I had to do the blood tests on some of
these kids because they had to have blood transfusions EACH AND
EVERY MONTH of their lives.

Children are wonderful but if the financial aspect is going to be
forseeably very rough I would think very hard - divorce, child
abuse, spouse abuse can and are results of the frustrations of
financial difficulties.

If you are having ANY marital difficulties at the PRESENT time I
would highly recommend to NOT have kids - contrary to some people's
beliefs kids do NOT cement a relationship that is floundering.
Even in good marriages kids can really rock the boat of blissful
matrimony.

Kids take a LOT of care and if, as you say, you are a kid in need
of a LOT of attention yourself then I would seriously look at
that.  If you are going to be yanking your wife's arm while the
kids are yanking her other arm that would be terribly unfair and
probably cause severe problems.

I would suggest that you and your wife see a family counselor who
is familiar with disabilities too and have some honest, gut-level
sessions and in this way you will have an objective, trained person
who can help both of you sort through the thoughts, fears, emotions
etc. so you two can come to a conclusion that would be suitable for
BOTH of you and your circumstances.

It is too easy for those of us NOT in your shoes to tell you yea or
nay.  All I can do is give uneducated information based on the
little I know from what you have written - this is too important a
decision to leave it up to us unprofessionals.

Good luck and please let us know how it is going.
 
Nadine

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Chris.Brown@f113.n163.z1.fidonet.org (Chris Brown) (01/11/91)

Index Number: 12829

I second your point about children not saving foundering relationships. 
Sometmes desparation to have a child is a signal that the relationship is 
foundering...and sometimes one will demand a child simply because they 
know the other doesn't want it, as a way of getting rid of the 
relationship without feeling guilty for getting out of it themselves.

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