Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/08/91)
Index Number: 12705
Hi, everyone! I've got a doozy of a topic for you all. Babies!
As some of you may already know, I have diabetes as well as a
host of other difficulties, including rheumatoid arthritis.
These problems, aside from their medical implications, bring a
heavy financial toll as well. How do you reconcile these issues
with bringing a baby into the world?
My wife (she is healthy) would like to have a baby before age 30
(now 27), and the prospect, while interesting, scares the sh_t
out of me! I wonder if I'm physically up to the challenge, and
I particularly worry about the financial responsibility, given
the drain on resources my problems present. I also worry about
my wife--how will having to care for a baby, in addition to
caring for me (another BIG baby <grin>) affect her? Can she
handle the load?
I think that's enough to get the discussion rolling--how about
it! Parents and would-be parents--please share your thoughts /
feelings / opinions with me. I really need the feedback to help
me know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
Alan
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Alan.Forro
Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgPandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Pandora Nigh) (01/08/91)
Index Number: 12706
Hi Alan, having a baby may seem like a big scary prospect and a burden
but you will find that you can cope with it. Just as you have learned to
make adjustments and cope with your disability the two of you will be
able to do the same with the baby. And the baby will bring you more joy
and happiness. Beleive me you will find a way, and it won't be that hard
when the time comes.
Pandora
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Pandora.Nigh
Internet: Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgJoe.Chamberlain@f140.n150.z1.fidonet.org (Joe Chamberlain) (01/09/91)
Index Number: 12759
AF> financial toll as well. How do you reconcile these issues
AF> with bringing a baby into the world?
Go for it. My boy is now 25. I have been a quad in a
wheelchair all his life. He peed on me, threw up on me, crawled
into my bed with soggy pjs, and accused me of not loving him.
But every little experience was worth a million dollars and the
love and pride I have for him is worth all the worries.
Being a parent is hard, but the rewards are terrific.
-=joe=-
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!150!140!Joe.Chamberlain
Internet: Joe.Chamberlain@f140.n150.z1.fidonet.orgAlan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/09/91)
Index Number: 12761
-> It is a Sign of Wisdom to be looking for answers to your questions
-> now, than to wait untill you are faced with the posible PROBLEMS.I
-> would SUGGEST,adoption in place of possibly sireing an
-> unhealthy child, that would prove to be an even heavier(an
-> costlier) load than you now have. And are you financially(sp)
-> able to assume the possible expences? __Andy__
I'd rather ask questions now than regret it later!
As for finances, I'm not sure. I would say probably not. But if
everyone always waited til they were financially healthy to do
something, I don't think anything would ever get done ;-)
Thanks for the reply,
Alan
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Alan.Forro
Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgFrank.Whitney@f1000.n261.z1.fidonet.org (Frank Whitney) (01/09/91)
Index Number: 12762 >We have talked about it alot. We just felt it would be helpful to talk to >other people who might be in my situation for some insight. I will say this if I had to do it over again I'd sure try for some. Frank. -- Via Opus Msg Kit v1.11 -- Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!261!1000!Frank.Whitney Internet: Frank.Whitney@f1000.n261.z1.fidonet.org
Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Pandora Nigh) (01/09/91)
Index Number: 12766
Hi Alan, it really can be done. I have a son who is now 13. I had
not planned on having children, in fact the doctors had originally told
me that I wouldn't be able to sustain a pregnancy. Suprise, suprise. I
divorced my ex when my son was a year old. My ex is an alchoholic and
getting child support has been a joke. He is never employed long enough.
I managed the baby alone until 4 1/2 years ago when I met Ray. Klinton
and I didn't have a lot of money but it didn't matter. We lived on $275
starting to $300 a month and $40 in food stamps. It was hard but not
impossible. At the time he was an infant I could walk a little with my
bracing but I couldn't really carry him after he got to be about 1 1/2
in the baby backpack and he adapated he was a very early walker. It was
amazing on how much that baby could understand and learned to adjust to
my disability. I could not bend down and pick him up so he would climb
up the sofa so I could reach him. As he got older and older I also
couldn't hold him on my lap, but that didn't matter, he was happy and
got just as much loving and hugging sitting next to me and cuddling. We
would do inexpensive things together like take a ride on the bus. He
enjoyed just going somewhere with me. We had a lot of fun and quaility
time do things that just didn't take much money. One of my favorite
photos is of us at the zoo. In the picture he is 8 years old and is
pushing me in my wheel chair around the zoo. His attitude about
disabilities is very good, to him it is as normal as not having one. I
have heard him explain to his friends when asked about me, that it's
nothing my mom just wears braces and uses a wheelchair. Originally he
would refer to them as bracelets when he was very young. My hands have
a tendency to shake and as a infant he would adjust his head and
movement to make it to the feeding spoon when I was having a hard time
getting the spoon to go where I wanted it. Children are amazingly
adaptable and resiliant. They really can work with you, it's not as if
you are the only one that has to do it all. It is a partnership, and
that is what makes a family, not a disability or nondisability, the
money, or fancy home. It is love and mutual sharing.
Pandora
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Pandora.Nigh
Internet: Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgAlan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/09/91)
Index Number: 12768
I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. It sounds like you've done a
terrific job. Somehow, I've got to learn to get past my fears. I'm so
afraid I'll be unable to handle the stress and added responsibility. I
grew up with an alcoholic father, and there have been times that I've
seen glimpses of a terrible temper in myself. I'd never forgive myself
if I lost my temper at the wrong time. I guess I pose the questions
now, because I know that once a child comes, it's too late to change
your mind. I have to be sure of what I want (and WE have to be sure of
what WE want as well).
Alan
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Alan.Forro
Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgBill.Koppelmann@f810.n104.z1.fidonet.org (Bill Koppelmann) (01/09/91)
Index Number: 12773
Alan, as a father who has had many problems and unfortunate things to
happen, I can certainly understand your fears. I don't know what I'd
do if the lady I hope to marry decided that she suddenly decided that
she wanted a baby. That would scare the sh_-t out of me too.
I'd say that you should ask your heart what is best for you. Too often
parents have children when they shouldn't. Do some reading on
relationships if you think it would help.
My prayers are with you.
Bill.
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!104!810!Bill.Koppelmann
Internet: Bill.Koppelmann@f810.n104.z1.fidonet.orgkathyj@pase70.Convergent.Com (Kathy Johnson) (01/10/91)
Index Number: 12775 In article <16631@bunker.UUCP> Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org writes: >Index Number: 12705 > How do you reconcile these issues >with bringing a baby into the world? There are no guarantees even to parents who think they are starting out without handicaps. No matter how much money you make, a baby brings changes to your budget and lifestyle. Just think of it as a wonderfully exciting, terribly scary adventure. >I wonder if I'm physically up to the challenge, and Don't worry about this in terms of your disability, this is a fact of life for all parents. Kids have much more energy than parents do. Especially in the middle of the night! <grin> >I particularly worry about the financial responsibility, given >the drain on resources my problems present. I also worry about >my wife--how will having to care for a baby, in addition to >caring for me (another BIG baby <grin>) affect her? Can she >handle the load? Ask her! Hey, if she thinks she can do it, her confidence will help her do it. You might want to plan ahead for the final trimester though. She might not be able to lift as much and she might feel tired out more easily from carrying around the extra weight. (the baby, not you <grin>) >I think that's enough to get the discussion rolling--how about >it! Parents and would-be parents--please share your thoughts / >feelings / opinions with me. I really need the feedback to help >me know what to do. In the end the decision will have to be yours. My sister-in-law, Paula, has done a wonderful parenting job with my niece. Paula had a stroke when she was 10 and uses a wheel chair. She has partial use of her arms and hands and is able to stand and walk for a few steps. She raised my niece, Jessica, alone from the time Jessica was 9 months old and my brother was killed in an accident. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kathy M. Johnson It's only my opinion. Any resemblance to real facts Unisys, San Jose or to opinions of Unisys are purely coincidental. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
robertj@tekgen.bv.tek.com (Robert Jaquiss) (01/10/91)
Index Number: 12783 If you and your wife want a baby I would say go ahead and have one. You might want to try some all day babysitting to have some idea of what is involved. If you have a inherited disability you might want to adopt. There are lots of kids who need homes. Robert Internet: robertj@tekgen.bv.tek.com
Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Pandora Nigh) (01/10/91)
Index Number: 12790
Hi Alan, I know that worry is a big concern, but often the worry
exaggerates the reality of a problem. You can build it up bigger and
worse with the more time you put into worring about it than what it
would really be like. We tend to see things in a more negatively
predudicial light when we let our fears be the moderator over our
thoughts. If you take a lot at what happens now when you loose your
temper the chances are unless your smacking your wife around, you won't
do the same to the kid. Everyone looses their temper with kids. They
have some inborn talent for knowing what switch to pull to really get
you going. It's not that you don't get angry, or lose it, it's that you
realize what your doing and place some control. If you feel like
strangling the kid then you seperate yourself from them at the time and
work out another form of punishment. Send both of you to your rooms. I
jokingly tell people that I know I'm doing ok as a mom because my kid is
still alive and I haven't made definite plans to kill him yet this week.
But there is a bit of underlying reality to it. Kids can do things
without fear or thought and somehow manage to survive. You on the other
hand are on the way to the rubber room at the time. It's a real
emotional split. When you confront the kid you are releived that they
are all right and at the same time want to kill them so they don't ever
do that again. But we humans have something other than feeling to run
our lives on. We have experience, maturity, and brains. If you have been
able to adjust to your own disability, realize that having a baby is not
the same as playing with dolls, and care enough to want to share your
love with a baby, then you have got it made. All the fears and such will
work out. You forgot to put your plus qualities onto the list of
considerations of having a child. I think you will find they will more
than ballance off your fears.
Pandora
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Pandora.Nigh
Internet: Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgAlan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/11/91)
Index Number: 12822
-> Hi Alan, I'm glad that I could be of some help. I hope that you
-> and
-> your wife have a good communication system
We do. We discuss everything openly, as we have this time.
-> her get to a deep discussion and she if she is not hoping and going
-> under the assumption that you may change your mind and want children
-> later.
I don't think she is. She has said she thinks we will probably not have
children, even though she does think about it from time to time. She
realizes how difficult it would be, and doesn't want to lose the good
relationship that we have. Also, there are many things I want to do
while I still can, and a child would probably put an end to some if not
all of those plans.
Alan
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Alan.Forro
Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgAlan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/11/91)
Index Number: 12823
-> Well, I'll throw another aniexity your way then. If you
-> don't allow your wife her desire you run the risk of causing her a
-> lifetime disappointment or even grounds for a divorce. The
-> desire to have a child is rooted deep in the women's psyche as is the
-> man's anxiety about the added responsibilities.
While you are correct that this is a danger, we've talked about that
specific eventuality, and I think we have a stronger bond than to let
this come between us. But believe me, I have considered the possibility
VERY seriously. It's one reason I'm having so much difficulty with the
question.
Alan
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Alan.Forro
Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgAlan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/11/91)
Index Number: 12824
We've talked about vasectomy also. I just heard about a study saying
that men with vasectomies has about double the risk of prostate cancer.
That certainly gives me pause, as I am already in remission from
Hodgekins Disease, and I don't want to tempt fate anymore.
Alan
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Alan.Forro
Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgPandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Pandora Nigh) (01/11/91)
Index Number: 12834
Hi Alan, I think you are making a few mistaken concepts about having
kids. One it doesn't destroy a good relationship between you and your
partner and for the most part they don't overly kill other plans. But if
you to have decided not to have children then I suggest that you take a
surgical approach to birth control, otherwise you may have a suprise.
Pandora
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!157!3!Pandora.Nigh
Internet: Pandora.Nigh@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.orgTandy.Way@f6.n377.z1.fidonet.org (Tandy Way) (01/11/91)
Index Number: 12844
EE> Alan, there is a small piece of surgery called a vasectomy for
EE> those who are sure they no longer want to impregnate their
EE> partners. I had one 14 years ago and it hasn't failed me yet.
I don't have the patience for kids and realized that early in life.
I had one in 1971 and don't regret it all. the scare stories people
try to foster like you loose feelings at least for me didn't come
true. in fact I think since the fear of pregnancy is now gone I am
able to perform with quality and quanity like never before the
operation. merry christmas.
...
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Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!377!6!Tandy.Way
Internet: Tandy.Way@f6.n377.z1.fidonet.orgTURNER@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu (Art) (01/16/91)
Index Number: 12989 nadine you talked about babies being handicaped, and about the burden it poses for parents. but have you ever thought about prayer. a research assistant from Kansas. art; better known as slydog.
Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Alan Forro) (01/18/91)
Index Number: 13051
-> done and no matter what anyone reading this may have done, God
-> or "the force" or higher power separates the person from what
-> they did or maybe didn't understand. In other words, I'm a
I find it very hard to believe in God. I have seen so much tragedy in
my and my wifee's family, as well as all around us, that the concept of
a benevolent God seems almost laughable.
-> I'm not sure that that tells you a lot, but I felt I should say it
-> anyway. I don't feel that telling you publicly what has happened
-> would be apropriate considering my boundaries, however, I do consider
I understand completely. I didn't mean to pry. Forgive me if I was too
nosy.
-> My prayers are with you, and let me know how things progress in this
-> issue.
In spite of my belief/lack thereof, thank you. I appreciate your
thoughts.
Alan
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Internet: Alan.Forro@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org