GOLEM%UKANVM.BITNET@cunyvm.cuny.edu (Jim Sinclair) (03/28/91)
Index Number: 14500
I keep reading that autistic people lack empathy and are
unable to take others' perspectives. I think it might be more
fair to say that autistic people lack certain expressive and
receptive communication skills, possibly including some basic
instincts that make communication a natural process for most
people, and that this, combined with any cognitive or perceptual
differences, means that autistic people do not SHARE others'
perceptions. "Empathy" is a nebulous term that is often used to
mean projection of one's own feelings onto others; it is
therefore much easier to "empathize" with (i.e., to understand
the feelings of) someone whose ways of experiencing the world are
similar to one's own than to understand someone whose perceptions
are very different. But if empathy means being able to
understand a perspective that is DIFFERENT from one's own, then
it is not possible to determine how much empathy is present
between persons without first having an adequate understanding of
each person's perspective and of how different those perspectives
are from each other. (This would require an observer with
PERFECT empathy for all parties!)
When I am interacting with someone, that person's perspective
is as foreign to me as mine is to the other person. But while I
am aware of this difference and can make deliberate efforts to
figure out how someone else is experiencing a situation, I
generally find that other people do not notice the difference in
perspectives and simply ASSUME that they understand my
experience. When people make assumptions about my perspective
without taking the trouble to find out such things as how I
receive and process information or what my motives and priorities
are, those assumptions are almost certain to be wrong. Since
people usually don't state their assumptions explicitly so I can
tell what they're thinking, and since I don't have a very large
vocabulary of feeling-words, it is very difficult for me to find
out what the assumptions are and to find a way to communicate
discrepancies between what is being assumed and what I am
actually experiencing. While different people vary in how much
they examine their assumptions about my experience and take care
to communicate their own perspectives in terms I can understand,
I have never interacted with ANYONE who was as careful about
these things as I am. The extent to which communication occurs
in the course of my interactions seems to depend on how
effectively I am able to identify discrepancies in understanding
and to "translate" both my own and the other person's terms to
make sure we're both focusing on the same thing at the same time.
I don't mind that I have to do this work. I enjoy
intellectual challenge, I am interested in learning about how
people's minds work, and the sense of achievement when I manage
to connect meaningfully is exhilarating. I don't think
communication would be nearly as interesting and exciting if it
were something that just came naturally to me. But I DO mind
when in spite of so much effort I still miss cues, and someone
who has much better inherent communication ability than I do but
who has not even taken a close enough look at my perspective to
notice the enormity of the chasm between us tells me that my
failure to understand is because *I* lack empathy. If I notice "
that I do not understand people and I devote all this energy and
effort to figuring them out, do I have more or less empathy than
people who not only do not understand me, but who do not even
notice that they do not understand me?
I could write pages of suggestions for relating to an
autistic person, but the most important theme is: DON'T TAKE
ANYTHING FOR GRANTED. Don't assume you can interpret the
person's behavior by comparing it with your own or other people's
behavior; you have to learn to recognize that particular person's
unique signals. Don't assume the person can interpret your
behavior. (Don't even assume the person can recognize you
without an introduction; I was 18 years old before I started
learning to recognize people when I saw them outside their usual
contexts.) Don't make any assumptions about the person's
interests, desires, and priorities, and don't expect the person
to be able to guess what yours are. If you want to know how the
person feels, what the person wants, or what any behavior means,
ASK. If you want the person to understand your feelings,
desires, or behavior, EXPLAIN. The people I'm drawn to as
friends tend to be both emotionally expressive and verbally
articulate. They FEEL intensely, they EXPRESS their feelings,
and they TALK about what they're expressing and why. This not
only helps me understand how they're experiencing a specific
situation, it also helps me learn to recognize and label
feelings.
It's also important to BE SPECIFIC. A vague question like
"How do you feel?" may be incomprehensible to a person who has
trouble attaching words to feelings and who doesn't have a frame
of reference for the question. "Do you feel ________ about
_______ situation?" may be easier to answer. Be prepared to
define terms if the person doesn't seem to understand the initial
question. If the person answers your question with another
question, consider the possibility that this is a request for
clarification. I often do this when I'm not sure of the context
or the underlying assumptions of a question I've been asked. "
Sometimes I repeat the same question back to the questioner, so I
can find out what type of answer is called for and frame my
answer in a similar structure.
Be specific in expressing your own desires as well as in
asking about the autistic person's. When someone says something
vague like "You're not paying attention to my feelings," I feel
inadequate, and I'm also frustrated because I don't know what to
do about it. (If, as is often the case, I AM trying to
understand the person's feelings, but I either don't know how to
interpret what I see or don't know how to respond to it, then I
feel unfairly picked on as well.) If instead the person says,
"These are some signals I use to express my feelings, and this is
what they mean, and this is how I'd like you to respond when you
notice them," this gives me information I can use to improve my
understanding and responsiveness.
Establishing communication and understanding between any two "
people with different experiences and perspectives involves
developing a common language. An autistic person's experience
and vocabulary (verbal and non-verbal) may be so idiosyncratic
that it takes a great deal of effort on both sides to develop
this common language. Instead of attributing all difficulties in
communication to the autistic person's inability to speak your
language, why not embark on the adventure of working WITH the
autistic person to learn to understand each other's languages?
People who have taken on this challenge with me have not only
helped me to learn more social skills, they have learned a lot
about themselves as well!
(First published in "The MAAP," Spring 1989)