merlyn@iwarp.intel.com (Randal Schwartz) (01/18/90)
In article <1990Jan16.215318.26365@fxgrp.fx.com>, grady@fxgrp (Steven Grady) writes: | OK, as promised, here is the original version of my quotes file. | I believe the format of the file is pretty obvious. At the end is | a small perl program to pick a fortune (plus a few other things). | If anyone is interested, I can send along a C program to do the | same thing. [quotes deleted, 'cause they're in there later...] | #!/usr/bin/perl | | # usage: myfortune [-f file] [-a] [-n] [-r] | # -a: show all fortunes -n: # of fortunes -r: all fortunes randomly | | do 'getopts.pl' || die "couldn't find getopts.pl"; | do Getopts('f:anr'); | $file = $opt_f ? $opt_f : "$ENV{'HOME'}/.fortunes"; | | srand(time); | | open(fortunes, $file) || die "Couldn't open $file"; | while (<fortunes>) { | next if /^#/; # Skip commented lines | | $continLast = $contin; | $contin = s/\\$//; # Strip trailing newline | | if ($continLast) { | $lines[$num - 1] .= $_; | } else { | $lines[$num++] = $_; | } | } | | if ($opt_n) { | print "$file contains $num fortune", ($num == 1) ? "" : "s", ".\n"; | } elsif ($opt_r) { | for ($j = $num; $j >= 0; $j--) { | $r = rand($j); | ($lines[$j], $lines[$r]) = ($lines[$r], $lines[$j]); | print $lines[$j], "\n"; | } | } elsif ($opt_a) { | for ($j = 0; $j < $num; $j++) { | print $lines[$j], "\n"; | } | } else { | print $lines[rand($num)]; | } Okay, that's a nice program. Here's another one, that illustrates some of the faster ways to use Perl (yes, the quotes are *INSIDE* the program): ================================================== cut here #!/usr/bin/perl $_ = <<'EOQ'; # # Late Night with David Letterman # "I don't sing, I don't dance, and I don't like people who do." "Remember, this is only an exhibition, this is NOT a competition -- please,\ no wagering." "They pelted us with rocks and garbage!" The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas. All these miraculous\ organs work in _total_darkness_! "Nice tie... BONEHEAD!" "It's funny, I hate the itching, but I don't mind the swelling." "So whaddya want? Wicker?!?" "They're not booing. They're just chanting `Dave! Dave!'" "He'p me! Somebody, pleez, he'p me! I been hypmotize'!" "Decadent rodent, we will bury you." "Elvis has LEFT the building!" "More pie, Admiral?" # Late Night with David Letterman: The Book "Captain Kirk. It's a pleasure to welcome you to Noldicia.\ more fun the humans should be allowed to have." Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference\ room. "Captain, I've run the data we collected through the\ computer."\ "Well, Spock, you must be a very proud young man. So what's\ the deal with these council weasels?" # # Monty Python # "May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no\ cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I\ say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are\ prepared to admit." "We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are\ represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply\ that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more\ concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles\ than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that\ they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital\ matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before\ the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply\ at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce\ of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we\ intend that viewers should consider tham as crabby ulcerous little\ self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to\ alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might\ find offensive. We are sorry if this impression has come across. "Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father - hairy\ blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,\ flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie." "How many men you got 'ere, Colonel?"\ "Oh, 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery, and 2 divisions of paratroops."\ "Paratroops, Dino!" "It'd be a shame of someone was to set fire to dem."\ "Set fire to them?!"\ "Fire's 'appen, Colonel." "Fings's burn..." "In your plan, `A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that\ you would build eighty-eight thousand million billion houses\ a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you built\ only three in the last 15 years. Are you a bit disappointed with\ this result?"\ "No, no. I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in two\ ways. Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly,\ high-pitched whine." "Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about\ bullfighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious, and immoral, but\ also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and\ aggressive, wth four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bullfighter\ is only a small, greasy Spaniard." "He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy. He doesn't know when\ he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus\ known to man." "Please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty,\ but underneath she has a heart of formica." "I'm the head waiter. This is a vegetarian restaurant only.\ We serve no animal flesh of any kind. We're not only proud\ of that, we're ... smug about it." "I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats." "You got an alarm clock in there, sir?"\ "No! No, heavens, no, no.. Just vests."\ "Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off."\ "Oh, it can't have been. It must have been a vest..\ uh.. go-.. going off." "If you don't care for your scalp, you'll get rabies!" "Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as\ first minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects\ of the modern world already, would you say that Harold Larch\ was a man of good character?"\ "Listen, Harry is a very wonderful human being." "Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people." "To me it is like a mountain.. a vast BOWL of PUS!" "In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and\ healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to\ the death for it." "We're taking you to a clambake." "Llamas are larger than frogs." "You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege to welcome\ here at the Refreshment Room some of the truly great international\ artists of our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and\ gentlemen, someone who I've always personally admired, perhaps more\ deeply, more strongly, more ... abjectly than any other performer.\ A man, well, more than a man, a god! A great god, whose personality\ is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome\ sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. Someone whose boots I\ would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tongue! A man\ who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed\ in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him!\ Ladies and Gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!"\ "He can't come!" "I haven't time to go chasing after him! There's violence to be done!" "My nipples explode with delight!" "We interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two-Sheds!"\ "Yes, make yourself scarce, Two-Sheds. This studio isn't big enough for\ the three of us!"\ "Get your own arts program, you fairy!" "Comedy. Sudden, violent, comedy!" "Zere were zwei peanuts walking down ze strasse.\ And one was assaulted.. peanut. Ha ha ha.." "Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance\ I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage." "Right. Who's got a boil on his semprini then?" "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." "I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate. It's nothing to worry\ about, although it is EXTREMELY dangerous." "Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive\ operation can't prolong!" "I'm 6 foot 5, and I eat punks like you for breakfast!" "Oh Mr. Bellpit, your legs are so swollen!" "...And was head of Gestapo for 10 years.. No! 5 years!..\ No! No! Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke." "Are there many fires in Norway?"\ "Oh Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze!" "This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F. G. Superman." "Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?"\ "Well, you don't need to, gov, it's all right.\ It's all in a day's work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. <Sniff!>" "Well, I noticed the lad with the thermonuclear device was the Chief\ Constable for the area." "Oh oh! No more buttered scones for me, Mater,\ I'm off to play the grand piano!" "I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of\ being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being\ sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told\ that I am!" "I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world. Surround EVERYONE\ with EVERYTHING we got! Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon\ we can lay our hands on. I want... I want three full scale global\ nuclear alerts, with every Army, Navy, and Air Force unit on ETERNAL standby!" "And when do you expect to get married?"\ "Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know! I 'aven't 'ad it\ for weeks!" # Meaning of Life "Ah, monsieur. And how are we today?"\ "Better."\ "Better?"\ "Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up." # # Ripping Yarns # "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some\ sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..." # # Calvin & Hobbes # "C'mon, Hobbes, if you lend me a buck I'll buy you a comic book." "The world bores you when you're cool." "Do you think there's a God?"\ "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" "The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems." "Happiness is being famous for your financial\ ability to indulge in every kind of excess." "The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way." "But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of\ the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!" "...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..." "Where do we keep all our chainsaws, mom?" "I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal." "The good thing about drawing a tiger is that it automatically\ makes your picture fine art." "?Que pasa, Senorita? !I am el fugitivo!" "My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was\ as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street. Instead, I've got an office\ on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection\ agents.\ "Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's\ lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack\ a revolver. I'm a private eye.\ "Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual." # # Saturday Night Live # "Koko, will there be gnomes and dwarves for Lebee to wrestle with?"\ "Yes Mishu, and also trolls and mutants we may spar with!" "It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!" "Jane, you ignorant slut." "Get a life!" Dark and lonely\ on a summer night.\ Kill my landlord,\ Kill my landlord.\ \ Watchdog barkin'\ Do he bite?\ Kill my landlord,\ Kill my landlord. "The late Mr. Lupner was born without a spine."\ "No wonder he has the posture of a boiled shrimp!" "Mr. Canal, stop this instant! I must ask that you\ refrain from knife-fighting in the White House!" "Why is it that the truly brilliant are doomed to a life of obscurity,\ surrounded by a sea of mediocrity, only to end up covered in sores in\ a pool of their own filth? Oh well, the beat goes on." "Gregor Wass, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation.\ Would you care to strike me?" # # The Blues Brothers # "Are you police officers?"\ "No, ma'am. We're musicians." "The use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension\ of the Blues Brothers has been approved." # # Love and Rockets # Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently\ dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag\ the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live\ ocelot. # # Watchmen # "You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat\ and I had my hands about it." # # Dr. Strangelove # "I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a bit.." "You try any preversions in there, and I'll blow your head off." # # Pink Floyd # "The band is just fantastic,\ That is really what I think,\ Oh by the way, which one's Pink?" "The evidence before the court is\ incontrovertible; there's\ no need for the jury to\ retire." # # Pink Panther # "Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?" # # Bloom County # "Leaving a trail of slime wherev-"\ >CLICK!< "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"\ "NO!...I mean Yes! WHAT?"\ "I'll put `maybe.'" "`BILLSBY SLASHES FOUR, DIES IN COCAINE BRAWL'"\ "That's the front page, Mrs. Billsby." "Take me away, imperialist puppets of the great Pay-TV satanistic\ corporate booger-heads!" "I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all\ day has rattled my good manners..." "LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS COCKROACH REBELLION AGAINST THE\ GREAT SUBURBAN BOURGEOIS OPPRESSOR SWINE-PIG!"\ <Slam!>\ "I HATE revolutionary jargon." "`Psychophallystisis.'"\ "Eat hot death, Steve." "It's the Peterson kid dressed as an iguana!" "But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in truckloads?" # # Star Trek # # (Corbomite Maneuver - Scott) "You have an annoying fascination for timepieces, Mr. Sulu." # (Trouble With Troubles) "Storage compartments? Storage compartments?" "Wheat. So what?" "Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with\ delusions of godhood, but he's not soft." # (Mirror, Mirror) "Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide." "I'll have you all executed!"\ "I think not." # I, Mudd "Logic is a tweeting bird, chirping in your ear.\ Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell _bad_." # The Outrageous Okona (TNG) "Take my Worf, please." # # Full Metal Jacket # "Sir, I think I wanted to express the duality of man - a kind of\ Jungian thing, sir." # # Floyd Farland # "Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!" # # Cerebus # "Mind your manners, son! I've got a tall pointy hat!" "It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing\ your crotch and baying at the moon..." "Why are you RUNNING? Cerebus just wants to KILL you a little..." "All Lord Julius demands is total and complete obedience\ and more money every time we pay him. He's being quite\ reasonable, really..." "I am successful because I am the only person in my city\ who is not heavily addicted to powerful narcotics." `As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal\ to you. You should hold parties for them regularly\ and have lots of whiskey (free) for them. That way, they\ get drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they\ all are in reality.'\ -- "On Governing" "If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"\ "All of it." "Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING. Cerebus is the POPE." "Nice girls don't explode." # # Dirty Harry # "You'd better ask yourself `Do I feel lucky?'\ Well, do you, punk?" # # Hunter Thompson # Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels\ start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals\ and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. # # Robocop # "Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!" "Dick! You're FIRED!" # # Swamp Thing # "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...\ ..except, y'know, not green...\ ...and without all the patches of fungus." # # Brazil # "Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?" # # Airplane! # "I've got to concentrate. I've got to concentrate!\ ..Hello?\ ..Echo!\ ..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!" "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!" "I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley." "Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!" "No! That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!" "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?" # # Real Genius # "Why is that ridiculous toy on your head?"\ "Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes." # # Fletch # "Thank God. The police." # # The Man With Two Brains # "Into the mud, Scum Queen!" # # Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead - Dave Barry # Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes\ on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists\ and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and\ not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a\ useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is\ second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little\ scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds\ if we felt like it. # # Random other Dave Barry # If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would\ have made them cute and furry. # # Sam and Max, Freelance Police # "What a pinhead! Does he not fear us?!" "Flint Paper is insane. I really respect that." "One of us should bust in and confuse them while _I_\ head them off around front." "I've heard about these cult jamborees. It's an international\ goon gathering. Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic\ worship of heathen idols... Great looking chicks in diaphanous robes..." "Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!" "I'm a LAGOMORPH, Sam! Look it up!" "I told them kids to keep their arms inside the ride.\ Damnedest thing I ever saw." "Max, that bathing suit you're wearing makes my flesh crawl!\ And where did you get sunglasses to fit your bizarrely-spaced\ eyeballs?" "I can't think of anything more relaxing than being locked\ in a moving car with YOU for about 300 hours, little pal."\ "That's really sweet, Sam. I may weep openly." "Pork rinds! *Gasp* *Choke* Vienna sausages! *Uk...uk...uk*\ Orange marshmallow peanuts (The Horror, The Horror)!" "VROOOM! VROOOM! Out of the way, lady! Run!\ Run for safety, foolish pedestrians!" "There's another weird lizard farm coming up fast at eleven o'clock."\ "I feel the warmth of its presence, Sam." "It wouldn't be sporting to just run over them... Would it?"\ "Yes... Yes, it would!" "Hey, Max -- Wake up! You're missing all the fun!"\ "What?"\ "A seven-foot specter of evil appeared in front\ of the car, so I ran over it. Sounded like a bag\ of laundry going under. Hope I didn't hurt the\ tires. Want a fig newton?" "I feel lightheaded, Sam. I think my brain\ is out of air. But it's kind of a neat feeling." "How was it, little buddy?"\ "It was dark, like a cave, and there were no\ toilets -- just black, smoking holes in the walls\ and floor! Giant roaches howled like damned souls\ as they skittered along the mouldered grout-work!" "Lacquered frog bands are no longer popular with America's influential\ trendsetters, Max. We'd be hosed." # # Gumby's Winter Fun Special # "We have your favorite animal cookies. Here's\ a gorilla... Here's a collared peccary..." "We're aimed the wrong way to be going home, Gumby."\ "Home...? We're on an express elevator to HECK!" "He's not Santa Claus...He doesn't LOOK like Santa Claus!"\ "Don't judge a book by its hide, kid. I let folks believe\ that `fat, jolly' nonsense 'cause it makes 'em FEEL good.\ So, are you tots gonna bust me out of here, or stand there\ gaping like trout?" "Say, isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot\ approaching at about Mach 8?"\ "What do you know...? So it is." # # Vector Calculus by Marsden and Tromba # "[The vector] has never been of the slightest use to any creature."\ -Lord Kelvin # # Top Gun # "It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." # # Doonesbury # "What are your general areas of interests?"\ "Aerodynamics. Designer jeans. Roofing supplies. That sort of thing."\ "What sort of thing?"\ "You know, liquidity. Point-of-sale. Margin accounts. Fast lane." ...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin,\ the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable. # # WKRP in Cincinatti # "I don't know what you want here, but I think you should\ know that I've killed a LOT of old people in my time,\ and I'm not above doing it again." "Sorry, Nick. I lied, man." # # Wiseguy # "Vaya con dios, scumbucket." # # National Lampoon # That's not funny, that's sick! # # Stripes # "That's the fact, Jack!" "It's Czechoslovakia, man! It's like going into Wisconsin!" # # Aliens # "I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid." # # Herman # "Hey, stewardess. Run through that seatbelt demonstration\ a few more times. It's unbelievably tricky!" "You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of\ intelligence. Where can I find a book on self-confidence?" # # Stig's Inferno # "They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.\ Had one get loose on me back in '62. It slipped\ out of the cables while we were lowering it out\ of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six\ innocents in an insane bid for freedom." He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies,\ the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party,\ some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". # # Sledge Hammer # "A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with." # # Good Girls # "I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with some OTHER\ plate-lipped white girl named `Irene'." # # Life in Hell # "Mistakes were made." # # Yellow Submarine # "It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where can we go?"\ "Argentina?" # # The Killing Joke # "Mind you, I can't say much for the volume's condition.\ I mean, there's a hole in the jacket and the spine appears\ to be damaged." "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it\ for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point\ of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent\ little children."\ "Oh, so you don't like it?"\ "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." # # Barney Miller # "Where the hell's he get the atomic bomb?" "What do you say we guys go down to the beach and shoot\ some clams?" "Mushy mushy mushy." "Has anybody seen my legs?" # # The Producers # "Don't be stupid. Be a smarty.\ Come and join the Nazi Party." # # The Odd Couple # "A penny for your thoughts?"\ "A dollar for your death." # # Ghostbusters # "Back off, man! I'm a scientist!" # # Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of _All_ World Knowledge # "Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get\ a good price for them." # # The Princess Bride (book) # "Inconceivable!"\ "You use that word a lot. I don't think it means what you think it does." # # Post Bros. # "I like overkill." # # Far Side # Birds of prey know they're cool. # # Tom Lehrer # Hurl that spheroid down the field.. Two, four, six, eight,\ Time to transubstantiate! # # Flaming Carrot # Senators, TV Crews, and the nation in general are mystified when,\ on the third day, Flaming Carrot shows a STAR TREK BLOOPER REEL\ on behalf of the defense. # # Risky Business # "Sometimes you just gotta say `what the heck'." # # Ant Boy # Ant Boy calmly prepares to execute his new friend ant-style...\ by PINCHING OFF HIS HEAD! # # Nexus # "If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all." # # Badger # "Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow\ of Third World babies to make microchips?" # # Casablanca # "Round up the usual suspects!" # # Daffy Duck # "Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!" # # Doon # "There should be a psychology of feet. For do we not\ make decisions with our legs, and walk about on our brains?\ What do you mean, `No, not really,'?"\ -from "The Notebooks of Mauve'Bib--Outtakes, Bloopers,\ and Unconvincing Maxims," Edited by the Princess Serutan. A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles\ of beer. If one of those bottles should happen to\ fall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.\ -from Mauve'Bib's "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"\ edited by the Princess Serutan # # Oingo Boingo # You think you got it rough?\ What about your darling doggy?\ Ten short years\ and he's getting old and groggy. # # Savage Henry # "It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?" # # the Secret Origin of Legion of Substitute Heroes # "How does this sound..? `Stop, or I'll stand very,\ very still for a surprisingly long time!'" # # Beatles # "Sweet Loretta Fat, she thought she was a cleaner, but she was a frying pan..." # # Raiders of the Lost Ark # "I hate snakes! I hate 'em!!"\ "C'mon! Show a little backbone, will ya?" # # Without Feathers -- Woody Allen # "I found this seance to pass the most stringent tests\ of credulity, with the minor exception of a phonograph,\ which was found under Madame Reynaud's dress." "Never mind what I said," the Lord spake. "Doth thou\ listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And\ Abraham grew ashamed. "Er -- not really... no."\ "I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou\ immediately runs out to do it."\ And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know\ when you are kidding."\ And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor. I can't\ believe it." # # Leave It To Beaver # "Hey Dad, if I saved up my allowance, could I buy a monkey?"\ "Of course not!"\ "OK, then I won't save up." # # Cheers # "I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening,\ let alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal-retentive\ chowderhead." "Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun\ lying to them anymore." # # For A Few Dollars More # "Any trouble, boy?"\ "No, old man. Thought I was having trouble with my adding.\ 'T's all right now." # # Taxi # "Did you see it, Reiger? It was hideous!" # # Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade # "Nazis! I hate those guys." # # The Cowboy Wally Show # "It was a mutual parting of the ways. We gave him the freedom to\ do what he wanted to do."\ "What was that?"\ "Drink himself to death." "Okay, so there's these two guys, right? Okay, so this one guy\ says to the other... oh, right, they're in a bar. Okay, so these\ two guys, anyway, so... So he says to the guy, who's black, he\ says to him, no, wait, he's Chinese. He says, `Hey have you seen\ my mother-in-law?' No, wife... It's his wife, right. So he says,\ `Hey, have you seen my wife?' And so the bartender says... no,\ the Jew, Chinese, the Chinese guy, he HAW HAW! HAW... snort.\ Sorry, I just remembered something funny." "Personally, I was shocked to discover our plastic surgeon was\ an alcoholic."\ "Yes, he raised quite a few eyebrows." COWBOY WALLY BEER\ "Real beer. Manly beer. Ripsnortin' pukearama. Dammit." "Oh no. Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet\ far beyond our solar system to devour us. Gaze and tremble,\ mortals. None can escape the wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom." "And now, Little Bobby Pootwaddle will read last month's contest\ winner."\ "Last month's question --\ `In 1000 words or less, describe how\ Amy Sue Sturdfetzer looked much older than 12.'" # # Dead Poets Society # "We're not laughing at you -- we're laughing near you." # # Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels # "May I take your trident, sir?" # # Molly Dodd # "Padlock?"\ "The IRS. Picky picky picky." "700 hours of community service work? Who has that kind of free time?" "I tell you, Molly, I like the work so much, I'd do it even if\ I didn't have to -- by court order, under threat of fine, imprisonment,\ or both." "How do you do your squid?"\ "Fine. How do _you_ do, sir?" # # Beatiful Stories for Ugly Children # # (The Deadjohnson's Big Incredible Day) Arriving home, they learned that Glenn and Edna Catwomb had been\ slain by maniacs. # # Batman (movie) # "He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other hand he had\ a tremendous singing voice." # # Trancers # "Dry hair's for squids." # # Seven Deadly Sins # "What about these commandments then?"\ "You again? All right... There shall be TWO commandments,\ and this shall be the first of them:\ "Keep the noise down."\ "Just that? `Keep the noise down'?"\ "You got it."\ "Hmmm. And the second of Your commandments, Lord?"\ "Do what thou wilst," (sayeth the Lord), "just\ go away and don't bother Me now. For behold,\ some of Us are trying to get some sleep around here." # # The Lockhorns # "And stop referring to dinner as `the recent unpleasantness'." # # Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure # "Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K." # # Top Secret # "Nigel, what are you saying?"\ "How do we know he's not Mel Torme?" # # The Tick # "What better place to begin my reign of Communist terror and\ oppression than a memorial to that decadent and imperialist\ American, Melville Dewey, hated originator of the Dewey Decimal\ System!!" # # Miss Firecracker # "Please, don't make me treat you like dogs. I don't want to\ treat you like common dogs." # # Monkees # "What number is this, Chip?"\ "7 A!"\ "OK, like don't get excited, man. It's 'cause I'm short, I know." # # Sudden Impact # "We're not just going to let you walk out of here."\ "Who's we, sucker?"\ "Smith, and Wesson, and me." # # Bizarro # "True, money _can't_ buy happiness, but it isn't\ happiness I want. It's money." # # The Fusco Brothers # "That's so deep, I'm getting the bends.... If you want me, I'll\ be in the decompression chamber." EOQ $*=1; s/\\\n/\177/g; # tag embedded newlines as DELs s/^#.*\n//g; # toss comments tr/\n\177/\177\n/; # swap meanings @quotes = split(/\177/); # and create quotes # usage: myfortune [-a] [-n] [-r] # -a: show all fortunes -n: # of fortunes -r: all fortunes randomly do 'getopts.pl' || die "couldn't find getopts.pl"; do Getopts('anr'); srand(time); if ($opt_n) { printf "%d fortunes\n", $#quotes+1; } elsif ($opt_r || $opt_a) { if ($opt_r) { for ($j = $#quotes+1; $j > 0; $j--) { $r = int(rand($j+1)); # $r is 0..$j ($quotes[$r],$quotes[$j]) = ($quotes[$j], $quotes[$r]); } } print join("\n\n", @quotes), "\n"; } else { print $quotes[int(rand($#quotes+1))]; } exit 0; ================================================== cut here Just another Perl hacker, -- /== Randal L. Schwartz, Stonehenge Consulting Services (503)777-0095 ====\ | on contract to Intel's iWarp project, Beaverton, Oregon, USA, Sol III | | merlyn@iwarp.intel.com ...!uunet!iwarp.intel.com!merlyn | \== Cute Quote: "Welcome to Oregon... Home of the California Raisins!" ==/