MOUSE@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu (06/26/89)
I recently attended a workshop in Kansas City which helped
to encourage me in self-improvement, especially teaching me
how to work on my views of myself and my self-esteem. It
was so full of energizing ideas, that I found myself taking
lots of notes, which I would like now to share with other
women. Somehow, I get the feeling when I read this group
that most of you don't need this sort of thing - you are
already so self-confident, so assertive, because you speak
so articulately and with so much assurance. I have been
thinking, though, that there must be many readers out there
like myself, who experience questions about themselves and
how they function in daily circumstances, who would like to
understand themselves better, who would like to deal more
effectively with the stresses in a world around them. So
I decided to post something about the experience and what
I got from it. (If you've already been to many of these
sorts of workshops, by all means, hit 'n' now, and go on to
more interesting reading.)
What follows is a sketchy outline of the material from the
workshop (with some commentary as I go along), and my over-
all impressions at the end.
"Image and Communication Skills for Women"
(National Seminars Group)
Sponsored by: National Businesswomen's Leadership Assn.
Overland Park, Kansas
Summary of the morning session:
The largest part of the morning session dealt with Self-Esteem.
"Self-esteem is both the image you have of yourself and your
opinion of who you are. Self-esteem is built on what you feel
about yourself, and to some extent, how you think others feel
about you." The speaker recommended three components in
building better self-esteem:
1) Models and Mentors (have many of them, to serve different
areas of your life which need esteem-building)
2) Take more risks
Intellectual: take classes, continue reading
Physical: stretch yourself. Learning to do new
physical things gives you confidence. Be realistic. Don't
take on something you know is beyond your capability.
Emotional: (usually the woman's forte) Learn to say
"NO," and mean it. No is a complete sentence - it needs no
defense. Learn to become more assertive.
3) Get emotional support. (This is important.) Use lots of
people. (It's easy to over-burden a single person.) There
were several "types" of emotional-supporters, so having a
broad range of people in your circle gives you more options
concerning getting the type of support you need for different
situations.
"Chicken Soup" people, "Comic Relief" people, Crisis
Acceptors, Listeners, "Door-Openers," Empathizers ("I've
been there a few times myself...") are some examples.
On a continuum, there seem to be two basic types of low self-
esteem, each representing extreme, opposite polarity:
capitulators and compensators. (High self-esteem being repre-
sented as the happy balance in the middle.) The basic differ-
ence is that capitulators are other-centered and the compen-
sators are self-centered. Each type can be identified by their
behavioral cues, and advice was given for improving the behavior,
(i.e., modifying it to move it more towards the center).
Capitulators: place too much emphasis on the needs of others
above their own needs, speak rarely, apologizes often, main-
tains little eye contact, avoids new people/situations, avoids
conflict, vacillates, plays-it-safe, has low intiative. To
change this, the capitulator needs to take more intiative in
dealing with people/problems, resolve conflict by facing and solving
problems, act directly instead of indirectly, assert the right
to function on an equal basis with others in the situation,
decide when to say "no." (Ooooops, I think some of that applies to me.)
Compensators: place too much emphasis on the needs of the self
above the needs of others, talk loudly, are opinionated, show
off, flaunt status symbols, name drop, brag, practice non-
verbal intimidation, ridicule, insult, respond inappropriately,
seek approval from others, make demands on others. To change
this, the compensator needs to learn to laugh at herself, stop
"crashing" into situations, talk less, listen more, stop one-
upping others, and learn to become collaborative rather than
competitive (learn to support the group effort). (Uh-uh, my mother-in-law!)
To maintain higher self-esteem (the centered kind), boost the
sense of personal power (example: meditation, knowing your-
self, anchored mental images, etc.), practice "acting-as-if"
(i.e., practice being more self-confident until it becomes
part of you.), re-state your self-esteem in "Grown-Up" terms
(an important idea. A way of getting rid of your childhood
baggage. Try to look at the self, examine long-embraced ideas
and fears, especially the fears, the re-state them for yourself
in your present adult situation. This is important, because
the way we see ourselves is what we project to others.), and
learn to take credit for the strengths we find in ourselves,
for our successes (don't undermine yourself - even to yourself).
Self-talk and how it affects self-esteem:
- Our parents have had a powerful (often counter-productive)
influence which we carry into our adult lives). Self-talk is
a way to over-ride negative previous programming by erasing or
replacing the negative with conscious, positive new direction.
1) There are two levels of self-talk: negative and positive.
Negatives: "I can't...", "If only I could..." (this is
victimized, helpless language)
"I need to...," "I ought to...," "I should...,
(this stresses recognition of a problem, but does
not lead to finding a solution)
Positives: "I never...," "I no longer...," (undoes old
programming, re-constructs concepts. Use it, even
when you know you are failing... it's the act-as-
if policy, especially in the early stages where you
are just learning the new behavior)
"I can...," I am...," "I choose to..." (the
last is VERY powerful as a method to take control
of yourself.)
2) Self-talk reminders:
Use the present tense (future tense will set the stage for
a new problem = procrastination)
Be specific (vague self-talk = vague new behavior)
Use simple, easy-to-use words.
Be practical.
Be straight with yourself, personal and honest.
Ask the right things from yourself (stretch yourself to
new heights - but don't expect the moon).
Practice self-defense (recognize your own mental distortions,
and defend yourself to yourself. Don't put
yourself down. Remember: perfection is for the
next world).
The afternoon session addressed dealing with fear and promoting
beneficial changes.
Some typical barriers to change were dicussed, and ways to
dismantle these barriers were suggested.
BARRIER SUGGESTION FOR CHANGE
You don't deserve better "I am...(a good person)," etc.
"I deserve...(something better)."
See no alternatives Find a mentor
Look for broader issue
Many mentors = more possibilities
Don't know what you want Take time out - pause - breathe
Mini-vacation
Clarify position
Don't need to change "If you always do
what you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got!"
No cooperation Don't be Super-Woman!
"I want to..."
"It's important to me because..."
"I need you to ...."
"Are you willing to help?"
The curse of perfection "If you fall flat on your face, at
lease you were moving forward!"
"To err is human, to forgive (yourself)
is divine."
"Perfection is for the next world."
There is a difference between excell-
ence and perfection. Excellence
is growth and progress and the
wisdom to learn.
No energy/resolve You took on too much. Be realistic.
Fear Stress growth
Fear often comes from inaction.
Everyone fears what is unfamiliar
Helplessness is worse than fear
You can't change fear - but you can
change how you view it.
The last part of the afternoon session narrowed in on more
specifically business-related situations. I noticed that of
the 125 people present about 98% were women. This could be
because it was entitled a workshop "for women," and men wouldn't
be caught dead at such a gathering. The few males present
huddled at a single table in the back of the room. This surprised
me. I think, if I were a male who worked with women, I would
like to know more about their needs and issues.
In addition, there was a great table of publications (at dis-
count) in the outer lobby. I seized the opportunity to buy
3 books: "Lifeplanning" (yes, the one advertised on t.v. - a
very good book, now that I've read it), "How to Cope with
Difficult People" (I've needed that one for a long time!), and
"Marital Myths" (no, my marriage is great, but I've got six
adult children, 3 married - I'll bet it gets borrowed quite a
bit).
I have always kept a notebook which (for want of a better name)
I term my Personal Logbook. From time to time, I write in it
as if it were a diary, but more often I find myself pasting
clippings in it - all kinds of clips - whatever strikes me as
useful: pantyhose with all-cotton tops for coolness, walking
shoes, article on Hermes silk scarfs, source for Herb Alpert's
"Listen" perfume, you name it. There are lots of articles on
improving self-esteem and dealing with fears and personal
relationships. This seminar brought a lot of that material in
my personal life together into a cohesive, thought-provoking
personal experience. I came out of it with two self-help
phrases which I've been using quite a lot to myself lately:
"If you always do what you've always done,
you'll always get what you always got."
That leads into the other...
"Whatever you feed...GROWS!"
If you always feed yourself with negative, self-defeating
habits, then not only will you become negative and self-
defeated - those qualities will grow all out of proportion -
until finally they swallow you up.
That's NOT what is going to happen to me. Here's what I'm
doing to keep myself well-centered: going to take hoseback
riding lessons, am continuing my morning work-outs on the
track (2.5 mi/day, 5 days a week), going to memorize some of
those nifty sentence-starters and practice them on my mother-
in-law, going to give myself some sort of non-food treat
every day (for me, food is quick-gratification, without
treating the real needs of the "inner" woman), and I'm going
to stop running myself down or denigrating myself.
Thanks to whoever managed to read all the way to the end of
this posting. I did not know it was going to be this long.
I guess when I started, the rest just poured out. The sharing
was important to me. I hope it helps someone out there who is
thinking about some of these issues in their personal lives.