willey@udel.edu (Edward V Willey) (08/18/90)
I suppose this is the best place to ask this question for a friend... My fiancee and I have been engaged for over two months now, and something just came up that was quite a shock to me. We were sitting around talking, and she told me that she did not want to take my last name when we got married. She hadn't decided if she wanted to either a) keep just her maiden name, or b) combine the two. Needless to say, I had had my heart set on my wife sharing my last name, and I am having a hard time accepting this news. My question is this: Does my wanting her to take my last name upon marriage mean that I am this male-chavenistic person looking for another way to control a woman's life? I don't feel this way; I have been brought up to see this as normal and am having a hard time going against that. You mail responses to me, and I'll make sure he gets them.
ellene@microsoft.UUCP (Ellen EADES) (08/28/90)
In article <27777@nigel.ee.udel.edu> willey@udel.edu (Edward V Willey) writes: >I had had my heart set on my wife sharing my last name, and I am having a >hard time accepting this news. My question is this: Does my wanting her >to take my last name upon marriage mean that I am this male-chavenistic >person looking for another way to control a woman's life? I don't feel >this way; I have been brought up to see this as normal and am having a >hard time going against that. I don't think I would say that your desire for her to take your last name means you are looking for a way to control her. Nor would I say it automatically means you are a male chauvinist. I *would* say it means that you haven't thought very hard about the ways in which the world has changed for women and men in the last twenty-five years, and that you haven't thought very hard about what sorts of things you were brought up to see as normal are still valid. I'd also say it means you and your fiancee need to do some talking, not just about last names, but about other hard, practical, unromantic issues like: are you planning on having a joint (shared) checking account and owning all your property in common, what happens if you should happen to break up, what are your and her career plans, what happens if one of you gets a terrific offer that necessitates a move, and how you plan to split up the housework. I find that people who haven't talked about surnames sometimes forget the other legalistic aspects of marriage as well. And I'd suggest you try very, very, hard to understand her reasons for not wanting to change her name, paying particular attention to what other women on this group have said about the issue, rather than sticking to "That's how I was brought up." Ellen Eades