lansky@ptolemy.arc.nasa.GOV (Amy Lansky) (03/14/91)
The following is from the March 1991 Working Woman magazine -- a friend of mine just emailed it to me... The Most Professional Way to Handle a Sexist Remark ____________________________________________________ It goes without saying that there are many jokes best left untold, especially in the office. We're talking not only about tasteless jokes but also about racist and sexist humor, or any kind of remark that excludes a particular group. This doesn't mean you won't ever be the object of humor. At some point in theirwork lives, and often more than once, almost all women have had a supposedly funny sexist remark made at their expense. Though you certainly have the right to be indignant in this situation, that's not always the best professional response. There is no consensus, however, on what IS. Most consultants agree that a manager should speak privately to an offender if s/he is a subordinate. But when peers or superiors are out of line, it can be risky to address the problem head-on. Burlington, North Carolina-based humorist and professional speaker Jeanne Robertson suggests killing the speaker with kindness and continuing with the business at hand. Respond pleasantly, with a smile, but make it clear that the comment isn't appreciated. "Your objective isn't to change the person," says Robertson. "It's just to get him or her to stop saying offensive things." Consultant Barbara Mackoff suggests various strategies, each appropriate to a different situation. If what's said is really insulting, she suggests responding with a question that makes the speaker pause, such as: "What makes you say that?" "Would you repeat that, please?" or "Why do you ask?" If you're dealing with apparently good-natured banter that nevertheless has an inappropriate edge, Mackoff recommends fighting fire with fire, since humor is often the best method of reestablishing control. In her book WHAT MONA LISA KNEW: A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO GETTING AHEAD IN BUSINESS BY LIGHTENING UP, Mackoff offers this example: You're presiding over a meeting when a male colleague arrives late and announces, "I only came to this meeting because you're so pretty." You may feel like responding defensively with a remark like "This isn't a beauty pagent, it's a marketing meeting," but more effective would be "Then you should be pretty interested in what I have to say." It makes light of the situation without humiliating your colleague and thereby escalating the conflict. The ultimate message, says Mackoff, is "I know I'm in charge here, and your comments don't mean a thing." Still another tactic for dealing with sexists behavior is to play along with the perpetrator. Sandra Kurtzig, founder and CEO of ASK Computers in Mountain View, California, employed this approach when, at an investor's meeting, she was mistaken for an assistant by a client who asked her to get him some coffee. Kurtzig politely inquired if he would like a doughnut to go with it. A few minutes after returning with the refreshments, a colleague of Kurtzig's arrived and asked the client, "By the way, have you met Sandra Kurtzig, the CEO?" Kurtzig smiled, and so did the offender, and that was the end of it. "I could have gotten angry," Kurtzig reasons, "but that would have made him defensive. What do I have to gain by getting annoyed?" It is important, however, to distinguish between heckling and harassment, Mackoff points out. When the joking and remarks become a full-scale campaign by the perpetrator to make you uncomfortable and damage your credibility and effectiveness, it's time to take action. Document the offenses, warn the offender and discuss the matter with your supervisor. But first, says Mackoff, try the light touch. Most sexists jokes and remarks follow the same pattern of belittling their target, so it's fairly easy to think up a response that will twit the joker a little bit. If you can make him smile, he's much more likely to remember the point.