cs161fem%sdcc10@ucsd.edu (Christian ) (10/18/90)
Hi, I am a Christian and would like to have some christian jokes.
If anyone has any, I would appreciate your contribution. Thanks.
My email address is : cs161fem@icse2.ucsd.edu
FTP sites for Christian files would be helpful too.
May God bless you.
walsh@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com (10/22/90)
In article <Oct.18.02.58.02.1990.850@athos.rutgers.edu>, cs161fem%sdcc10@ucsd.edu (Christian ) writes: > Hi, I am a Christian and would like to have some christian jokes. > If anyone has any, I would appreciate your contribution. Thanks. > My email address is : cs161fem@icse2.ucsd.edu > FTP sites for Christian files would be helpful too. > May God bless you. > how many christians does it take to screw in a light-bulb? 6... 1 to do it, and 5 to sit around and judge him for it. ando.
Jeremy.Gibbons@prg.oxford.ac.uk (Jeremy Gibbons) (10/28/90)
> Hi, I am a Christian and would like to have some christian jokes. From rec.humor.funny, a mere five days ago. (It is by no means a rich source of ideologically sound jokes, but I persevere :-( ). > From: tblake%vaxa.dnet@bingvaxu.cc.binghamton.edu (Thomas R. Blake) > Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny > Subject: Sexual Bigotry > Keywords: sexual stereotypes, smirk > Date: 19 Oct 90 23:30:07 GMT Heard from a woman pastor of my acquaintance. (Not original) A new woman pastor comes to a small town church. She is readily accepted by the women of the parish, but the men have been against her from the beginning. One of the women tells her that a number of the men like to go fishing together on Saturdays, so she asks them if she can go along next time. Saturday rolls around, and the men are all distracted by having the pastor with them, so distracted in fact that only when they are out in the middle of the lake do they realize they've left the bait back on shore. The men are all grumbling about having to go all the way back, when the pastor volunteers, "There's no need for *everyone* to go back, you just wait here and I'll go back into shore and get it." Having said this, she get's up out of the boat, and starts walking to shore on the water. As soon as the pastor is out of earshot, one man speaks up. "Well that's just great!", he says to the others, "Not only do they send us a woman, she can't even swim!" *-----------------------------------------------------------------------* | Jeremy.Gibbons@prg.oxford.ac.uk Programming Research Group | | 11 Keble Road, Oxford OX1 3QD, UK | *-----------------------------------------------------------------------*
dhosek@lucy.claremont.edu (Hosek, Donald A.) (11/02/90)
In article <Oct.28.03.33.18.1990.25126@athos.rutgers.edu>, Jeremy.Gibbons@prg.oxford.ac.uk (Jeremy Gibbons) writes... >[Someone not Jeremy] >> Hi, I am a Christian and would like to have some christian jokes. I kind of like this one that I got from Dave Allen just because it's a sort-of-ethnic joke that doesn't put anyone down... A Catholic kid says to a Jewish kid, "Our Priest knows more than your Rabbi!" The Jewish kid responds: "Of course he does, you tell him everything!" -dh --- Don Hosek TeX, LaTeX, and Metafont support, consulting dhosek@ymir.claremont.edu installation and production work. dhosek@ymir.bitnet Free Estimates. uunet!jarthur!ymir Phone: 714-625-0147 finger dhosek@ymir.claremont.edu for more info
Jeremy.Gibbons@prg.oxford.ac.uk (Jeremy Gibbons) (11/06/90)
And then there was the one about... (I hope noone is offended). I got this one from the net too, but I don't remember where or from whom. A Jewish couple have a son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school", since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children. Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him. Eventually, in desperation, the parents take him to the only place left: a local Catholic school. They don't hear anything concerning his performance, no reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home at the end of the semester with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's. Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second semester, he's running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has been so good that he is head of the class list. His mother taks him aside and asks: "What's going on? We send you to your own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you, and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever." "Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places, but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...." Jeremy *-----------------------------------------------------------------------* | Jeremy.Gibbons@prg.oxford.ac.uk Programming Research Group | | 11 Keble Road, Oxford OX1 3QD, UK | *-----------------------------------------------------------------------*
vm0t+@andrew.cmu.edu (Vincent Paul Mulhern) (11/12/90)
A guy needed to get his hous painted, so he called the people in
the phone book who advertised the "LOWEST PRICES ANYWHERE, EVER!!"
It turns out the painters were a couple of brothers (ed. note:
biological, not spiritual) who had started a business. The man welcomed
them to his home, showed them what he wanted to have done, and left to
go shopping.
After he had left, one painter said to the other, "Think he'll be
gone long enough?"
The second painter agreed, "Sure. Let's do it!"
They proceeded to dilute the paint to 1/2 its concentration with
water, and finished the job with the new mixture. The house looked
wonderful, though it wouldn't weather very well nor last long. The pair
smiled at each other wickedly when the man returned home and paid their
"fair" price for the work.
They were about to drive off in their van when clouds formed
overhead, lightning flashed, and a booming voice that was even deeper
than James Earl Jones's said ominously,
"YOU WICKED MEN!! REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!!!"
(remember, someone asked for this)vm0t+@andrew.cmu.edu (Vincent Paul Mulhern) (11/12/90)
A severe rainstorm had been drenching a town for days, and flooding had
begun everywhere in the region. Roads were blocked, and the rain showed
no sign of subsiding. As the water level rose, people began to seek
higher ground.
One man, a Christian, climbed to the roof of his house to escape
the waters. Amid the panic, he quieted himself and prayed, "Father, I
ask you in Jesus's Name to deliver me from this peril."
He waited, and watched the water continue to rise. As the roof
began to be covered, a boat came by offering a ride to higher ground.
"No thanks...my deliverance will come from the Lord." so the boat
sailed on.
The rain continued, and the man found himself on the top of his
chimney...all else was covered in water. Another boat appeared, again
offering a ride to a dry location. The man responded similarly that he
would be delivered by the hand of God.
The man clung to the top of a telephone pole, only his head above
water, when a helicopter dropped a rope ladder before him. "Climb up,
and we'll carry you to safety!" he was told.
"No - the Lord WILL deliver me!" the man shouted, and refused the help.
A few hours later, the man stood (dripping) before Jesus. "Lord,"
he said, "it's wonderful to be here and see you at last, but I have one
question. You said we would be given anything we asked in your
name...why did you not save me from the flood?"
Jesus, visibly frustrated, said, "I SENT two boats and a helicopter..."hall@vice.ico.tek.com (Hal Lillywhite) (11/17/90)
(I believe I got this from the _Readers Digest_.) Three young Catholics boys grew up as close friends and all went to seminary together. Being bright and hard working they were the 3 top students in their class, so close together that they were tied for the top of the class. Each received his assignment and approached it with the same dedication given to his studies, becoming outstanding priests - Father Martinez, Father O'Reiley, and Father Secola. In fact soon it was Bishop Martinez and Bishop O'Reiley although Father Secola remained a simple if outstanding priest. Time went on and in a few more years it was Archbishop Martinez and Archbishop O'Reiley but still Father Secola much loved by the people of his parish. However Father Secola couldn't help but wonder why his friends were promoted while he was not so he approached his bishop. "Bishop, I know we shouldn't seek position and I really am quite happy serving as a priest. However I notice my friends have become archbishops now and I wonder if I am doing something wrong?" "Well, you do deserve an explanation," replied the bishop. "If you become a bishop (and I'm confident you would be a good one) it's only one step to become an archbishop. If that happens an outstanding man like you could easily become a cardinal. If you become a cardinal anything can happen. And I'm sorry but we just don't think the church is ready for a Pope Secola."
vm0t+@andrew.cmu.edu (Vincent Paul Mulhern) (12/12/90)
An ad agent from Budweiser called up the Vatican one day with a hot new
idea for selling the company's beer.
"Hello...is John Paul II there?" the ad man asked.
"hold on (amazing grace in the background)" <beep> John Paul II...can
I help you?"
The bud man said, "Hi ! I represent Budweiser, and we'd like to
offer you a $1,000,000.00 contract. We'll give you a million dollars if
you'll have the Lord's prayer changed to 'give us this day our daily
BREW...'."
"BLASPHEMY!" the pope yelled into the phone, and hung up.
Time passed, and offerings dropped, and one day the man called back.
"Hello...John Paul II?"
"Yes...can I help you?"
"I'm the man from Budweiser...we'll pay $5,000,000.00 if you'll
change the Lord's prayer to '...our daily BREW'."
"Well, I wonder if...NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" the pope decided. He hung up.
More time passed, the US entered a recession, offerings dropped more,
and the bud man called once more.
"Hello...Budweiser calling for John Paul II..."
"Hello again...what do you want?"
"My company is prepared to give you $10,000,000.00 if you'll have
the Lord's prayer to '...our daily BREW. We know the church is strapped
right now...please consider our offer."
"Well, hold on a minute," the pope said. "ALTAR BOY!" he summoned.
"Yes, your Holiness?" the boy arrived.
"How much time is left on that contract we have with WONDER?"