davidbu@loowit.wr.tek.com (David E. Buxton) (01/22/91)
The first husband in my parable was increasingly serious about birthdays and anniversaries. He was consistently careful to bring home a card and flowers on these special occasions. He never forgot. He went to great pains to make sure these occasions were properly celebrated. If he was out of town, as he so often was, he would call up a florist to have flowers and a card delivered. Except for those important dates of the year he was pretty much aloof as a husband and father. As a boy he had been taught that the faithful observance of birthdays and anniversaries was what would guarantee the survival of a marriage. And so he was exceedingly diligent in his observation of such events. But somehow he had learned little about love and relationships. Over the years his marriage gradually fell apart and to make up for what was missing he became increasingly formal and diligent about the family rituals, making them increasingly elaborate and formal. He made up more and more rules about how these occasions should be celebrated and with each year was more inflexible about these rules. In spire of all he did to ensure that his marriage would survive it was he who decided he had had enough of married life. He was the one who demanded the divorce. The second husband was devoted to his wife and children. Let us call his name Charles. He was a caring and loving husband and father. He did all those things that the first husband should have been doing. But, as it is with many husbands, he was prone to forget those important dates of the year. Sometimes his wife would remind him that it was their anniversary; and he would be so apologetic and would do his best to make up for his oversight. He was at least trying to remember, and usually did. One day Charles turned on the TV to hear the author of a new book being interviewed by a national talk show host. The new book was about a survey in which wives were asked if they would divorce their husbands if they quit celebrating birthdays and anniversaries. All the wives in the survey agreed that they would not dump their husbands over something like that. Charles said to himself, you know, its impossible to remember all those dates and anniversaries. Every single year I forget at least one of them, and all my friends do too. I can't seem to remember. So I'm going to quit trying. Besides its not going to cost me my marriage, so why bother. I'll never get it right, so why even pretend. From then on Charles quit even trying to remember. It was no longer something that deserved even an apology. Sometimes he would humor his wife by giving her a card or flowers, but it was always a day late when and if he did. Charles continued to be a good and faithful husband in all other respects. But gradually there was a growing indifference, a growing decline in his relationship. The growing cancer of his new attitude was slowing eating the life out of his marriage. It was not so much that he refused to celebrate those important dates. It was that his new attitude began to affect more and more of his relationship with his wife and family. More and more he quit bothering to do things because he felt he could get away with it and still not lose his marriage. He spent more and more of his income on himself instead of his families needs. He spent more and more time with the boys instead of with his wife. Why do it if you don't have to; was his motto? Quite often his wife was not even given enough money to pay the rent. It was not the neglected anniversaries and birthdays that cost Charles his marriage and his family. In the end it was he who grew bored with his marriage and took up with another woman. Soon he was observing a new set of birthdays and anniversaries in another household. In fact, his new wife's birthday was the day after his previous wife's birthday. The first husband is illustrative of what people popularly think of as the legalism of the jews. The second husband is illustrative of modern legalism that says - why bother to do it if I'll be saved anyway. One form of legalism does works for salvation. The other form of legalism tries to exercise grace for salvation sake. "Why bother" if God will not resort to divorce, is their motive. Perhaps Charles claims to love his wife? We would shake our heads in disbelief; "he has got to be kidding", we would say. The Bible says it more bluntly: "And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments. He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." (1 John 2:3,4) "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? God forbid" (Rom. 6:14,15) and "Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law." (Rom. 3:31) We do not keep His Commandments to earn his love or to guarantee our salvation. We do so because we love Him (John 14:15, 21, 23; 1 John 2:3,4; 2 John 1:6). Friend, Dave