amhey@cup.portal.com (01/21/91)
The first attempt at sending this message is unfinished so I am writing it again. Ideally I would say no. However, I plan to marry a non-Christian having found every door closed at trying to marry Christians. It is interesting to note that my two flatmates and I were all living in London as female Cambridge graduates and not dating non-Christians. We were very particular in who we met and a condition of living in the flat was to help with the local (inner city) church where social relationships were few and we helped with a povertu stricken Sunday School, giving rather than receiving fellowship. 13 years later we are all married or contemplating marrying non-Christians. Why is this? 1. There are more Christian women than men 2. Christian men tend to like women who will stay at home 3. Christian men tend not to want plain looking career women who may not want children 4. The church and many Christians tually prefer to see you happy rather than correct - hence many like pastors, counsellors, family will say if you love someone marry them rather than try and stop the marriage. I agree with the guy who has a great relationship with his wife when he is no a Christian that it is possible to have a good relationship with a non-Christian. The sad truth is that I have had more SPIRITUAL and CAREER support from non-Christian men than Christian ones. When I realized I loved my fiance - after 3 years of praying for him - I only realized because I tried to run away from him on the grounds he was not a Christian. To the secular and even some Christian friends the sentiment most often expressed was how cruel I was on myself. Christians have high standards and I tried to keep them. After going back to him - he also cried much over our separation - when we realized we loved each other it was hard for another 3 years as I tried to think about whether I should run away from him as I had from so many other boyfriends. However, I decided to go to a Christian marriage counsellor - expecting him to say that I should not entertain a relationship with a non-Christian. Instead he thought I had a marvellous relationship - and I would agree with him. I further asked various Christian men I knew what they thought - one a potential marriage partner about my age was looking for someone 10 years younger and infinitely prettier who would build a good Christian home. So now I plan to have a Christian home, and my fiance knows it because we discussed it 7 years ago when we first met so it is no surprise - also his father is a Christian and he was brought up in a Christian family. Being a UNIX guru he cannot accept the scientific proof of Christianity so here are some considerations. First you never know who you are talking to on this net that is in need of prayer and Christian love - so use the forum as a witness for Christian values. Secondly, ther worst part of all this has been not my feelings but my own fears as to what other Christians would think, what a bad witness I would be marrying a non-Christian. So far it has worked out well - some say life is lonely married to a non-Christian and to some extent it may be - some say they miss sitting next to their spouse in church - big deal if you are single you don't have a spouse to sit next to anyway. Further my fiance likes it when I come home from church and tell him about the service and he likes me inviting church friends to Sunday lunch. Thirdly it keeps you on your toes spiritually to have to communicate Christian values in secular terms. Finally I will look at mixed marriages very differently now. My advice I would try to find a Christian spouse, but I don't think it is as bad as is made out by some Christians if you support each other in your relationship and it is certainly preferable to being alone.
dconnor@hpcupt1.cup.hp.com (Daren Connor) (01/24/91)
Thanks for the insight few of us have probably heard. As someone who is single, I found it very interesting. One very important thing you left out (my apologies if I missed it; I read too fast sometimes) was what God's word has to say about it. I believe the New Testament is pretty clear when it says that we should not marry a non-believer (IMHO). So while I found your "practical" arguments for your situation pretty compelling, ultimately you still have to come back to basic obedience to God's word. Perhaps God wants you and your friends to look some more. Perhaps you have the "gift of singleness". Okay, this is not something most anyone would want, but I do believe in this concept. Perhaps by marrying outside of the bounds set for us you ultimately stray from a plan for your life which would be most effective in the work in God's kingdom. It almost seems like you're saying: "Well God, I tried to play by your rules, and nothing has turned up. I'm not willing to wait any longer, so I'll do things my way. It doesnt hurt as much." I have a lot of trouble with the answer you got from your "Christian" counselor. Takes all kinds, I guess... Pity you arent in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's my impression that the number of available Christian men *vastly* outnumber the available Christian women! Good luck with your decisions. - Daren Connor