spudcrl@wpi.wpi.edu (A man and his sword) (01/17/90)
My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months (Everybody sing Happy Anniversary). Her parents think she is too young to be "going steady" with just one boy (She's turning 16 in three days). As far as her parents are concerned, we are just "seeing eachother". Either of us have the option, in her parents eyes, to see other people. Naturally, we just say that we haven't met anyone else we find we like. Now for the real stuff. She wants to make sure that I am the guy for her. The old "If it's meant to be, nothing will change that" addage. I told her I didn't have a problem with that, and I don't (If I keep telling myself that, I might start believeing it). Anyway, she's going to start dating other guys, maybe one a year, tops. She also said she didn't mind if I dated other girls at college, as long as I told her about it, never brought them home, and didn't date any of her friends. 8) So, now that you know my life story, any comments? suggestions? comforting thoughts? I'd appreciate them. Use the news net, or e-mail.. I'm not fussy.. thanks --Curt ******************************************************************************* * spudcrl@wpi.wpi.edu * on IRC * This space * * Curt R Lindmark * Defender * intentionally * * Born to be strange * A man and his sword * left blank * *******************************************************************************
spacey@bu-pub.bu.edu (Eva Chan) (01/17/90)
Curt, your story sounds familiar to me. Not that I have ever been in such a situation, but I have heard of stories like yours. To me it might be a good idea to "test' the relationship by going out with other people for a while, but if limitations were put, then would that still be considered an open relationship? To me 16 might be a bit young for her, but that is dependent upon her level of maturity. Although it is said that women usually mature more quickly than men, but that is not always true. Six months may seem a long time for the two of you, but think about if you'll ever see one year or more. I have gone out for almost 3 and it still doesnt seem as if it's been that long. I can see from her parent's point of view that she might be a bit young for you, but mothers are usually quite protective of their daughters. My mother was. But overall, I'd think that you should take things slowly and not pressure anything. But what is to say that she isnt going to pressure you? Plus i believe you said that she brought up the idea of seeing other people for a while? Well, i think this is another indicationg that she might not be ready for a long term relationship. In my opinion, many people around her age would most likely like to see other people and get to learn about other people. Let's just say that she probably wants a bit of variety. But I really can not speak for her, so what you might want to do it have a nice long talk about what the two of you want. Sometimes there is a lack of communication in a relationship that might cause it to fizzle. SO, get together and talk. I think that is the best I can do. If it seems kinda confusing, oh well. I was never really good at organizing my thoughts at times. :-) Stream of Consciousness! Good Luck! -- Eva Chan spacey@bu-pub.bu.edu (e-mail is always appreciated) Cheers! And may you enjoy life!
torch@portia.Stanford.EDU (Michael Conte) (01/17/90)
Well, Curt, you've described my own life story pretty well...let's see if I can give you a different perspective... MY BIO: I met Debbie when I was a high school junior; she was a sophomore. We dated and ended up going steady until I was leaving for college. I was pretty full of myself, dreaming of all the great women I'd meet/talk to/ sleep with at college; I wanted to be free to see other people. "If our relationship is meant to be, nothing will change," I told her (sound familiar?) Freshman year came and went. I met nobody I liked as well as Debbie. I was ready to get back together, but there was a problem: now SHE was leaving for college. Somehow the idea of guys meeting/talking to sleeping with her wasn't so appealing...I ate my words, however, and gave her a lot of leeway (though I hadn't used any of mine.) In fact, I encouraged her to tell me about the guys she was meeting; I just wanted to make sure there was no scum there. She got pretty sick of my how-to-tell-if-a-college-guy-is-horny speech. The result: I'm now a senior, she a junior at a different college. I feel we are closer than ever. I tried not to be her boyfriend for a couple of years, but we still talked regularly and saw each other on vacations. MY OPINIONS: My friends have had many relationships come and go in the time Deb and I have been together. I only have two possible explanations for our success: inertia (not so romantic!) or the openness that we have given each other. (I prefer the latter!) We acknowledged that we would be interested in other people, and gave each other the room to explore the relationships with other people. At times, it was really tough: the last thing I'd want to hear would be what a great time she had with this guy. But although I was not her boyfriend, I tried to be her best friend: she told me things she couldn't talk to anyone else about. I know her better than any other person in the world, possibly better than she knows herself. She would come to me with her problems, and if I couldn't help her, at least I'd give her a (figurative) shoulder to cry on. And it brought us closer together. You're going to be jealous. No, you're going to be jealous AS HELL. I used to tell myself that being jealous meant I loved her, that if I wasn't jealous then I didn't love her anymore. Nothing is more wrong. Jealously and love are totally seperate. Jealousy is not a barometer of love. All that jealousy measures is how _insecure_ you are. There were times that I felt great about her dating other guys, because I could tell from her tone of voice that she felt closer to me than to the guy. "If it is meant to be, nothing will change." I don't believe that. In the next four years, YOU'RE going to change a lot, as will she. But, will a little bit of work, you can stay at the "Event Horizon," far enough to give her the room she needs, but close enough to keep you from drifting apart. It's just about time for Deb and I to come back together... ---------- Michael Conte torch@portia.stanford.edu (You wouldn't BELIEVE how much I slashed this letter...)
) (01/18/90)
> My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months (Everybody sing >Happy Anniversary). Her parents think she is too young to be "going steady" >with just one boy (She's turning 16 in three days). s are How old are you? In her parents eyes, they may be right, because from what I infer, you are about two years older, at least? >she wants to make sure that I am the guy for her. The old "If it's meant to >be, >nothing will change that" addage. I told her I didn't have a problem with >that, and I don't (If I keep telling myself that, I might start believeing >it). Anyway, she's going to start dating other guys, maybe one a year, tops. Not to put kill your hopes, but usually, I have seen it many times and experience it, when this situation happens, they don't end up coming back. Also, you aren't going to wait. And when she reaches college, her attitude will change. >She also said she didn't mind if I dated other girls at college, as long as >I told her about it, never brought them home, and didn't date any of her >friends. 8) So, now that you know my life story, any comments? suggestions? >comforting thoughts? I'd appreciate them. Use the news net, or e-mail.. >I'm not fussy.. thanks > > --Curt She is going to date whomever and not tell you about it, but you have to tell her. I see this as a lack of communications. She isn't going to be fully communicating with you. I, personally, think you should sit down and have a long talk about what you two want out of life, and expect from each other. Talk it out, so that you know what to look for, what to do, and what might happen. Make sure you cover all considerations. This world is not black and white. The line, "if it meant to be, nothing will change" is b.s. The minute you open your options, things have changed already. Hobbes ----- Alan H. Wagmeister PSU Center for Academic Computing / CAC Staff Student Consultant ******************************************************************* "Smile, people will | AHW2@PSUVM.BITNET think that you are | up to something!" | or Syndicated in 346 Newspapers. - Hobbes | *******************************************************************
spudcrl@wpi.wpi.edu (A man and his sword) (01/18/90)
In article <90017.110948AHW2@PSUVM.BITNET> AHW2@PSUVM.BITNET (That Crazy Tyger!!!) writes: >How old are you? In her parents eyes, they may be right, because from what >I infer, you are about two years older, at least? Good infering, I'm 18. >>it). Anyway, she's going to start dating other guys, maybe one a year, tops. > >Not to put kill your hopes, but usually, I have seen it many times and >experience it, when this situation happens, they don't end up coming back. Ever heard of the exception to the rule? >Also, you aren't going to wait. And when she reaches college, her attitude >will change. You'd be surprised. >>She also said she didn't mind if I dated other girls at college, as long as >>I told her about it, never brought them home, and didn't date any of her >>friends. 8) >> --Curt > >She is going to date whomever and not tell you about it, but you have to >tell her. I see this as a lack of communications. She isn't going to be >fully communicating with you. This one's my fault. I forgot to mention that she will be telling me about the guys she meets. However, neither of us have any intentions of getting serious with anyone else. For her, it's to please her parents and ease her own mind. For me, it's just a formality. >I, personally, think you should sit down and have a long talk about what >you two want out of life, and expect from each other. Talk it out, so >that you know what to look for, what to do, and what might happen. Make >sure you cover all considerations. Something I've noticed about all the responses I've gotten is that they all suggest that I communicate more with her. I'm going home next weekend to see her, the train fare from her folks being a sort of birthday present. I think I'll give it a shot. >This world is not black and white. The line, "if it meant to be, nothing >will change" is b.s. The minute you open your options, things have changed >already. My father once said that the only constant in life is change. I'm beginning to think that he's right. > >Hobbes >----- >Alan H. Wagmeister >PSU Center for Academic Computing / CAC Staff Student Consultant >******************************************************************* >"Smile, people will | AHW2@PSUVM.BITNET > think that you are | > up to something!" | or Syndicated in 346 Newspapers. > - Hobbes | >******************************************************************* Thanks for your consideration/response. --Curt ******************************************************************************* * spudcrl@wpi.wpi.edu * on IRC * This space * * Curt R Lindmark * Defender * intentionally * * Born to be strange * A man and his sword * left blank * *******************************************************************************