jailbird@ihlpm.UUCP (07/31/89)
Dear Almost-the-90's-type Person:
Do magazines like _Cosmopolitan_ and _GQ_ make you nauseous? They
should, because they print the same worthless rubbish month after
month, year after year, all designed to make you feel worthless by
preying on your (probably well-founded) fears of inadequacy.
They make me nauseous, too. So, I've decided to publish my own
all-new, superexclusive omni-sex magazine. It's called _Vague_, and
our demographics indicates that you're the type of person that
leads the _Vague_ lifestyle. Let me tell you how _Vague_, the
Magazine that Defines the 90's, can enrich *your* life.
_Vague_'s writers and trend researchers explore the cutting edge of
those Almost-the-90's issues: health, love, relationships, cooking,
fashion, sexually transmitted disease, music, technology, and
whether or not you're eating enough fiber, which you're probably
not. Oh, and calcium, too. Things that touch *your* life
everyday, all day, even on weekends. Things you didn't think you
had to think about before, but do now- because it's Almost-the-90's.
Let's face it. For all practical and financial purposes, the 80's
are pretty much over. You have no choice; it's time to live the
Almost-the-90's lifestyle. The _Vague_ lifestyle. *Your*
lifestyle. And whether you like it or not, you need my magazine.
Because you'll find more valuable information in _Vague_ than in
other swanky, upscale picture books. Why, just look at some of the
exclusive features packed in every issue:
- "The Desperate Look is In, In, IN!" Waxton Hughes explores
the newest trend in this All-New, Almost-the-90's Look and
how fashion photographers in the Bay area are desperately
looking for models with furrowed brows, worried mouths, and
wringing hands. Take a first glimpse at a tension-filled test
photo session where deservingly-high-paid models, mostly men,
exercise wanton expressions!
And where will you see these exclusive, provocative photos of
semi-nude deservingly-high-paid models first? Why, _Vague_,
of course!
- "How Fiber Helps You and How To Avoid Killing Yourself With
It" Dr. Neumann Grottmeier, now cleared of all charges, writes
for our "What's Up At Your End, Doc?," a regular monthly
feature. In this piece, Dr. Grottmeier, an expert in Health
and Nutritional Stuff, describes how to get more fiber in your
diet and to avoid Post-fiber Explosion Syndrome, a condition
that will surely kill tens of ordinary middle-class citizens
such as yourself in the next decade despite the futile efforts
of our inept government to control this harrowing epidemic.
And where will you see exclusive, provocative photos of semi-
nude P-fES victims? Why, _Vague_, of course!
- "Move Over BMW; Here's Real High Performance!" Martha
Syskiss, noted minivan owner-turned automotive writer, reviews
Ford's entry into superhigh performance: the Escort XJ994Zi
Incredible Performing Bi-turbo Four-wheel-drive 4-Wheel-
Steering ABS Plastic Add-on Coupe. Most people can't afford
the insurance for the model nameplate alone, but you'll *feel*
like *you* own the whole thing when you take if for a spin
with Martha! (Photojournalistically, that is.)
And where will you see exclusive, provocative photos of semi-
nude models stroking a car with more apparent outward affection
than the average couple? Why, _Vague_, of course!
- Our regular feature, "Incredibly Smug, Unbearably Pretentious
Pillow Talk," explores the dog-eat-dog world of the singles
scene. Jake "I'm acting as arrogant as I can" Smooth (that
really is his real, God-given name, folks) shares his secrets
and bares his soul as he leads and writes about the lifestyle
of a not-quite-over-the-hill single person. Re-live
(photojournalistically, that is) his successes ("I'm good-
looking") and his failures ("bitch!") and safety tips ("don't
date anyone who weighs more than you do") to clarify the
ritualistic world of dating and the soon-to-be complex choice
of ordering beer in the Next Decade.
And where will you see exclusive, provocative, photos of beer-
drinking, apparently sexually aroused semi-nude single people?
Why, _Vague_, of course!
- Another regular feature, "No Vain, No Gain," is a virtual
cornucopia (that means "a lot") of makeup, health, beauty, and
just all-around feel-good advice. Articles like "Morning
Pillow Wrinkle Trauma Got You Down?" and "PMS Is Like A
Loaded Gun Pointed At Your Head" help *you* be at your best!
Noted anonymous-for-career-reasons beauty writers take on
faces, lips, hair, eyebrows, thighs, buttocks, stomachs,
cellulite, male pattern baldness, and yes, even little, tiny,
hardly significant breasts and penises (which we here in PR
like to call "hooters" and "love wicks," respectively). Learn
to overcompensate those inadequacies simply by buying piles
and piles of our advertizer's products!
And where will you see exclusive, provocative photos of semi-
nude models with virtually perfectly formed body parts that
you'll never have in a zillion years? Why, _Vague_, of course!
Yes, all this and much, much more awaits *you* in _Vague_, the
Magazine that Defines the 90's. So what are you waiting for? A
whole year of _Vague_ is only $24.95. Why, that's a full <ink
smear>% off the cover price! For <ink smear> big issues! Use the
postage-not-paid-for envelope and send your checks today! You'll
be glad you did!
Sincerely,
Ron D. Harvey, Editor, Publisher, Condominium owner behind on his
payments
(P.S. _Vague_ is not available in most 7-11 stores due to nutty,
right-wing protests about our exclusive, provocative photos of
semi-nude models just because most of them are under 18. Prudes.)
---
Ron D. Harvey jailbird@ihlpm.ATT.COM
--
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