ewp@cditi.UUCP (Rick Prins) (10/25/89)
{ed Recently somebody on rec.humor posted the famous 'ultimate
final exam' posting once again. Well, this poster came up with
some actual worthwhile answers. Here they are.}
This test was published by The Ohio State Engineer magazine in Spring
1988. I found also an interesting game to try to come up with short
'answers' to these questions. Do you dare to try? 'Students' can mail
their answers to me and I'll summarize. Please, be concise, specific
and FUNNY.
Good luck.
*************************************************************************
A Review Test to Graduate from The Ohio State University
*************************************************************************
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit: 4 hours. Begin inmediately.
HISTORY. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating specifically but not exclusively on the social,
political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,
America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient languaje except Latin or Greek.
> The proper response is:
> "G'day mates! Yahoo Serious will be out in a few moments. While you're
> waiting, I'll just throw a few shrimp on the barbie for ya, and you
> can help yourselfs to a few pots of Fosters. Right? Right."
BIOLOGY. Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
MUSIC. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with a flute
and a drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY. Based on the knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional
stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the
following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluations with questions from each man's work making
appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
> The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers on why
> they can't get to the promised land. The lawyers will try to appeal,
> and the sales people will try to finance or trade one another (for less
> than blue book) to get in.
ENGINEERING. The dissasembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in
Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify
your decision.
> Call management in room. Inform mangement that engineering has had
> enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate this shit.
> Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to deal with dissasembled
> rifle and hungry tiger. I mean if management had been on the ball, the gun
> would be assembled and the tiger would have been fed.
ECONOMICS. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism,
the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method
from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your
point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if
any.
> Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidently launched
> towards them.
> This should start a major skirmish. After the exchange and near total
> destruction of the world, the only socio-political effect will be if we
> have enough shrimp and Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting
> for Yahoo Serious (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was
> another Serious invention).
EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity
of your position.
> I speak the truth. Everything I say is a lie.
PHILOSOPHY. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
> Life is a scam.
EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples.
> Time is relative.
> Time is money.
> Money is relative.
> Relatives cost money.
> Time is relative, and don't let your relatives spend too much time (or money).
>
> ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
> ex 2: Aunt Irma won't leave.
> ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to anywhere.
> Thus depleting your vacation fund. Now you must go back to work.
(Reference: The Ohio State Engineer, O.S.U., Spring 1988)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.