kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) (12/22/89)
Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (you know who you are). This collection was selected especially for rec.humor.funny by paul@media-lab.media.mit.edu, waksman@grad1.cis.upenn.edu (Adlai Waksman), bard@cs.cornell.edu (Bard Bloom) and myself, kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler). To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin, > and why the hell are they there in the first place? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'm glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the } most diabolical conspiracies of all time! These little "crumblies", as } you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically } engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your } brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make } you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong } side of the road. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a cow? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Mu. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > RN GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES. CAN YOU > HELP ME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gladly. Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'. } It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will your answer to this question be in the negative? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Memory fault. Core dumped. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did Man come into existence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom ... } } You owe the Oracle three hickeys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if cows had opposable thumbs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Undoubtedly, they'd strangle Farmer JoeBob and the rest of humankind for } centuries of slavery, slaughter and clumsy manhandling of their private } parts -- not to mention the humiliation of cow-tipping. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle! What dost thou do with thy newt's eyes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, everybody! Follow the bouncing ball ... } } Oh! A newt's eye is a wonderful thing, } It makes you laugh, it makes you sing, } If you don't like the news I bring, } You'd better go consult the I Ching. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did the paper in my printer just get stuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head. Listen! } Printers do not eat cookies! Hard disks eat cookies. Printers eat ice } cream -- spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along } like a car with sugar in the gas tank. (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like } to have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know } that IBM is weird anyway.) -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA