kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) (12/22/89)
Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (you know who
you are). This collection was selected especially for rec.humor.funny
by paul@media-lab.media.mit.edu, waksman@grad1.cis.upenn.edu (Adlai
Waksman), bard@cs.cornell.edu (Bard Bloom) and myself,
kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler).
To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin,
> and why the hell are they there in the first place?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, I'm glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the
} most diabolical conspiracies of all time! These little "crumblies", as
} you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically
} engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your
} brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make
} you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong
} side of the road.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is a cow?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} Mu.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> RN GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES. CAN YOU
> HELP ME?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Gladly. Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'.
} It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS!
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Will your answer to this question be in the negative?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Memory fault. Core dumped.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How did Man come into existence?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom ...
}
} You owe the Oracle three hickeys.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What if cows had opposable thumbs?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Undoubtedly, they'd strangle Farmer JoeBob and the rest of humankind for
} centuries of slavery, slaughter and clumsy manhandling of their private
} parts -- not to mention the humiliation of cow-tipping.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, Great Oracle! What dost thou do with thy newt's eyes?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hey, everybody! Follow the bouncing ball ...
}
} Oh! A newt's eye is a wonderful thing,
} It makes you laugh, it makes you sing,
} If you don't like the news I bring,
} You'd better go consult the I Ching.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why did the paper in my printer just get stuck?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head. Listen!
} Printers do not eat cookies! Hard disks eat cookies. Printers eat ice
} cream -- spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along
} like a car with sugar in the gas tank. (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like
} to have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know
} that IBM is weird anyway.)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA