ccmax@cs.ucla.edu (Max Kislik) (02/13/90)
This .plan file is my creation, and it actually resides on
my account at ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu
The account I'm using to send this mail to you cannot
(in my opinion) contain this .plan file because I doubt that
the School of Engineering here at UCLA will appreciate it.
I am assuming the reader is familiar with the C language.
You may decide whether it is a bit too sexist and ROT13 it.
So anyways, here's the file ...
PREFACE: I am trying to write a program that enables computers
to engage in sexual intercourse with a willing and able
partner (over a LAN or the Internet?).
In order for me to do that, I must first teach the
programmers writing this code what SEX is. That can
only be done in C (C++ version coming out soon).
So, here it is, excerpts from the book titled:
"SEXX, a brief practical introduction".
Also available are:
1) "SEXX - programmers' HANDbook".
2) "SEXX - programmers' guide".
3) "SEXX - programmers' tools".
4) "SEXX - programmers' manual".
(c) 1990 - Maxx Kisslick's Software Series.
. . .
---------------- page 15 ----------------
#include "people.h"
#include "items.h"
#include "places.h"
#include "personalities.h"
procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems )
person *ListOfPeople;
item *ListOfItems;
{
person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople,
*PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim;
sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */
money wallet;
int i;
if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) {
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialT*ts, ArtificialP***y );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand );
} else { /* if it's a FEMALE */
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vi***tor ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger );
}
} else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) {
printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n");
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) {
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the top */
} else {
printf("No glove no Love!?\n");
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* only once this time */
}
if ( PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE && PARTNER2->sex == FEMALE ) {
position = 69;
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->tongue || PARTNER2->finger);
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1->tongue || PARTNER1->finger);
} else {
/* Finally, some good, 'old fashioned' heterosexual sex. */
/* Also, (PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE) - "ladies first", right!? */
switch( PARTNER1->PersonalityType ) {
case NONE: goto( HOME ); /* She ran away, you're too ugly */
break;
case NUN: goto( HOME ); /* Might as well */
break;
case WHORE: wallet = wallet - $50;
/* Or whatever the going rate is these days? */
goto( MOTEL );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case PRUDE: for(i=0; i < 10; i++ ) {
goto( DINNER );
wallet -= $50;
say("I Love you, dear");
give( GoodNightKiss );
} /* Wow, that was more expensive than the whore */
goto( YourPlace );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break; /* break up and find someone better */
case CAUTIOUS:
goto( DINNER );
talk( PreviousSexLife );
lie( Haven'tHadSexFor2Years );
goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
ENJOY?? ( PARTNER1, PARTNER2, WithGloveOn?? );
break;
case CONFUSED:
goto( DINNER );
say( "Lets just be friends" );
GetHerDrunk();
goto( YourPlace ); /* because she's too drunk */
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case MentallyDisturbed:
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
goto( MentalHospital );
LockHerUp();
ThrowAwayTheKeys();
break; /* and make sure she stays there */
case WildNkinky:
goto( RESTAURANT ); /* To eat, but not dinner */
Quickie( UnderTableInRestaurant );
Quickie( InTheCarInFrontOfThePoliceStation );
goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
Quickie( OnTheRoof );
position = 70; /* guess what that is? */
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break; /* Exhausted, taking a break */
case DOMINATRESS:
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, WhipsNchains ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->TiedUp );
else goto( HOME ); /* No pain, no gain!! */
break;
case ValleyGirl:
say( "OhMyGod, like I'm such a stud" );
/* Valley English?! */
say( "Lets go to my Bel Air Mansion" );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case ENGINEER:
take( PARTNER1, Plastic surgeon );
take( PARTNER1, WeightLossClinic );
wallet -= $1000;
/* if the above somewhat improved her looks */
if ( PARTNER1->looks > 0 ) then
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case GlenCloseType:
case KathleenTurnerType: /* If have seen the War of the Roses */
RunLikeHell();
break; /* hopefully not your neck */
case NORMAL: printf("You are out of luck!!\n");
printf("A normal woman is an oxymoron\n");
break;
case OfTheMissingCase:
say("Give me a light, NO ... Bud Lite");
say("Tastes Great, Less filling...");
break;
default: ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* enjoy anyways */
printf("Anyone who has new cases, let me know\n");
printf("I am ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu \n");
}
}
} else /* when there are more than 2 people */
ORGY( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems );
}
funcktion ORGY( );
/* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */
#include "guide.c"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.