doug@jupiter.nmt.edu (Doug "Euphorbia" Warner) (03/16/90)
This is an original composed by me, tonight. It may be offensive to people
who are happy with Reagan or Bush or are politicians themselves.
article follows:
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I wish to start a game show. This game show would allow only contestants
that have been, or currently are, involved in politics. It would be a
nationally televised event, called "STICK QUIZ," which would soon replace
"JEOPARDY" in popularity. Let me outline the first show:
This is copywrited only by me and thus contains only my opinions.
[Theme MUSIC, probably something like: DOO de doo doo doo, DA duh da da da,
DE da de de de, DOUGH di dough dough dough]
[ The camera fades from the applauding audience to the announcer/head of the
show, who is resting against what looks like a cane from the distance, but
as the camera zooms closer, it is revealed to be a nice oak club. ]
Announcer: Welcome to our first day of STICK QUIZ! This is the first game
show to do a public service, and have a lot of fun doing it! Folks, the
game goes like this:
Each round, one lucky person is picked from our audience to be the
person with the stick. He then stands by the politician as the
question is asked. If the politician doesn't answer correctly in
the allotted time, our lucky member from the audience gets to hit
the BOZO with the stick!
Speaking of BOZOS, let's introduce our contestant:
First, from California, it's former President Reagan!
Our next contestant is more in the news these days, his name is
Mayor Barry!
Our final contestant is very famous, he is President Bush!
Now let's call a member of our audience to be the stick man:
And his name is Ed Gruberman!
[ Camera pans to Ed as he jumps up and runs on stage.]
Announcer: Do you have anything to say, Ed?
Ed: Yeah, I wanna kick some butt! I just watched a hockey game with
Gretsky in it, and I am inspired to do a few slap shots!
[ Announcer hands Ed the STICK, and snickers as the contestants are strapped
into their chairs. ]
Announcer: Good. Now on to our first question. This one is for Mayor Barry:
Have you lied to your voting public about your drug use?
[ Clock ticks off only one of the allotted 5 seconds when Barry responds: ]
Barry: NO! I have never . . .
[ Ed smacks Barry on the head, really hard. ]
THWWWACKKK!
Barry: OOOOOOWWWW!
Announcer: Let them finish answering before you respond, Ed. Go on, Mayor.
Barry: I have never lied or been hypocritical about my drug use or drug use in
general.
Announcer: Sorry, but that is wrong. Now you can hit him, Ed.
Barry: That's not fair!
[ Ed swings, and THUD! A good blow to the body. ]
Barry: OOOph.
Announcer: Our next question is for President Bush:
Was Noriega instructed to smuggle drugs for the CIA?
[ Bush thinks a while, as the clock ticks away. TIC TIC TIC. He jumps in
at the last second---]
Bush: No, the CIA is an upstanding organization that has had no relations
with drug smuggling OR Noriega.
Announcer: Wrong! Get him ED!
Ed: I like this!
[ Ed pulls back and lets Bush have it, right on the head. ]
KWACK!
Bush: OW! That thing HURTS!
Announcer: Our last question in regular play is for Mr. Reagan:
Did you ever do anything in your life that went against the Constitution
of the United States, or the Bill of Rights, or done anything in general
that might be considered treason?
[ Reagan appears to be dozing! Meanwhile, the clock is ticking away. Finally,
the buzzer sounds, time is up. This buzzer awakens Reagan with a start. ]
Reagan: I don't remember.
Announcer: Sorry, but the answer was YES! You have committed treason, and
should have been impeached! Ed, make this your best shot!
[ Ed is obviously excited by this and is obviously putting everything he has
into this shot, and it looks like another good one, right to the head! ]
THUDDDDD! SSSSSssssssssssssss. . . .
[ It appears that Reagan's skull has cracked and is letting air escape! ]
Announcer: Now for the bonus round. In this round a question will be asked
and the first person to answer correctly gets an all expenses paid trip
to Hawaii. The question is:
When they are not putting on an act for the voting public, do
politicians have any morals?
Reagan, Bush and Barry (in unison): YES!
[ Ed, knowing this is a wrong answer, gets all three. THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
and jumps in to answer. . .]
Ed: NO! Politicions have no morals!
Announcer: That is RIGHT! Ed wins the trip to Hawaii! Tune in tomorrow
when our contestants will be Richard Nixon, James Watt, and Alexander
Haig!
[ Camera pans to applauding audience and blacks to commercial. ]
--
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