funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) (03/16/90)
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner" file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part. Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on sex and other grounds. ========================================================================= From: Phil Ronzone <watmath!apple.com!phil> Subject: What's the difference between Ada and AIDS? Q: what is the difference between Ada and AIDS? A: Someday we'll find a cure for AIDS ... ------------------------------------ From: watmath!gatech!pravda.gatech.edu!robinson (Stephen M. Robinson) Subject: Quayle for Transportation Secretary? >From Dennis Miller's "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live 2/25 (paraphrase): "V.P. Dan Quayle thinks that Roe vs. Wade is an argument over alternative ways to cross the Potomac River." ------------------------------------ Subject: trains and fathers [Heard on the radio station WPLJ] Q. Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? A. They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them. Tony Hansen att!pegasus!hansen, attmail!tony ------------------------------------ From: watmath!rutgers!njitx.njit.edu!ska9451 Subject: Good old God ! Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology God sends down the roaring winds, To lift the girls' skirts high, But God is just and sends down dust, To blind the bad man's eye ! -Santosh ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!tektronix!packrat.WV.TEK.COM!paulh (Paul Hoefling) Subject: Quote for the day >From Ayatollah Khomeini: "Salman Rushdie: Better Dead than Read" ------------------------------------ From: Barry Fausnaugh <watmath!uunet!vax1.acs.udel.edu!barry> Organization: University of Delaware What did the male centipede say to the female centipede? For the hundreth time, spread your legs! ------------------------------------ Subject: Yuppies defined According to comedian Michael Pritchard, "YUPPIES" stands for: Yes Under Peer Pressure I'll Eat Sushi Andreas Meyer N2FYE AT&T National Systems Support Center ------------------------------------ From: watmath!ttidca.TTI.COM!paulb (Paul Blumstein) Subject: Shorties She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body? He: Your sense of humor. ---- Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma? A: A documentary. ---- Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: Jock itch. ---- Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help. ---- Q: What is the high point of a bulimic's party? A: When the cake jumps out of the girl. ------------------------------------ From: Neil Youngman <watmath!uunet!mcvax!cs.exeter.ac.uk!nyo> Subject: hypotheses and theories >>From: fpst@hubcap.clemson.edu (Steve Stevenson-Moderator) > >From Marilyn vos Savant's column in Sunday's Parade mag: (Paraphrased) > >Q: What is the difference between hypothetical and theoretical > >A: Think of hypotheses as a deck of cards. A theory is a house made >of hypotheses. > ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uts.amdahl.com!krs (Mister Doctor [Kris Stephens]) Subject: The times are a-changin' I maintain a fortune-cookies file on one of our systems. Larry Hardiman, one of my "customers", suggested I add these two (the first is fairly well-known, but the second was new to me): A camel is a horse designed by committee. A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec. ...Kris ------------------------------------ From: David Lee <watmath!nexus.yorku.ca!s442154> Subject: Steroids, Ben Johnson I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!rosevax.Rosemount.COM!paulw (Paul Wikstrom) What is the most heavily armored vehicle in the world? An Iranian Bookmobile! ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!tc.fluke.COM!moriarty (Jeff Meyer) Subject: Truth in Acronyms Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA Heard in comedian Chris Squire's routine last night: YUPPIES: Yes, Under Peer Pressure I'll Eat Shit ------------------------------------ From: Andy Andrews <watmath!allegra!pitt!cisunx!noise> Subject: Barry Manilow (and other assorted yawns) {from the Aspen Comedy Festival, broadcast on Showtime, from the mouth of a comedian whose name I cannot remember:} Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to? ------------------------------------ Subject: Shaken Centipede From: Karl Swartz <watmath!gatech!unmvax!hc.dspo.gov!rt1!ditka!kls> {not too sure about the subject but it's the best I could come up with} (My brother told me this one; I'm afraid to ask where he gets his material from.) Q: What is three feet tall and has two thousand arms and legs? A: An Armenian hotel. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!cme.nbs.gov!clark (Steve Clark) Subject: heard this one from a friend Did you hear about the new parents' activist group? It's called DAM. Which stands for Mothers Against Dyslexia. Steve Clark National Institute for Standards and Technology (formerly NBS) ------------------------------------ From: BOUTELL <watmath!uunet!vax1.acs.udel.edu!tboutell> Subject: Uncertainty Principle Mountaintop Guru: "Life is like... life. ... But not exactly." ------------------------------------ -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.
funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) (03/17/90)
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.
Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.
=========================================================================
From: Ed Ahrenhoerster <ed@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: tattoo
A man wanted to get a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill put on his dick.
The tattoo artist told him this would be incredibly painful, and asked why
on earth would he want this tattoo? To which the man responded:
"You wouldn't believe how fast my wife can blow $100".
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: meek
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: count
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: irregular verbs
I construct algorithms | you program | he/she uses FORTRAN
I consult | you freelance | he/she moonlights
I refine | you debug | he/she patches | they kludge
I assemble | you compile | he/she/it interprets
I market | you sell | he/she peddles
I interact | you timeshare | he/she hogs
I extrapolate | you conjecture | he/she guesses
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: Append Mode
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: Emergency
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you
would not have been informed.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: missing mass
Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: change
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: tachyon
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
------------------------------------
From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: execute
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
------------------------------------
From: smiles@eronmc.ed.ray.com
Subject: Billy Martin's new job
I heard this on a Boston radio station while driving home recently:
Did you hear that Billy Martin's got a new job? He's managing the angels.
{ed Topical to his death, of course.}
------------------------------------
From: leafusa!pynchon!kmc@uunet.uu.net (Keith Corbett)
Subject: JOKE: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP?
Q: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP?
A: a bitch who thinks she knows everything.
------------------------------------
From: Graham Wilson <gw@sickkids.toronto.edu>
Subject: You do not want to hear this...
Told to me by my father (I don't know where he got it from):
What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
------------------------------------
From: Chris Best <cab@hpctdlb.hp.com>
What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street.
(Told to me by my mom.)
------------------------------------
Subject: Another one liner for your collection
From: richard@gryphon.com (Richard Sexton)
The difference between philosophy: if you have an argument over
philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw
bombs.
------------------------------------
From: "Michael J. Gronsky, Dept. of Management" <MGTMS16@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu>
Subject: T-shirt saying I saw
I saw this on a T-shirt on my recent trip to Cancun, Mexico:
HE'S DEAD JIM
QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER!
I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET!
------------------------------------
From: 8940614@jhevax.mcmaster.ca
"My wife just got pregnant ... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!"
------------------------------------
From: David Ash <dash@neon.stanford.edu>
Subject: another income tax one-liner
Those who think it's tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have
obviously never cheated on their income tax.
------------------------------------
From: sikora@uxh.cso.uiuc.edu (Riyaz Sikora)
Overheard in a Hollywood bar,
Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million".
Actress 2: "Did you get the money?".
------------------------------------
From: "Jonathan R. Partington" <JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk>
Subject: Old immigration joke
Little old lady at US immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or
subversion?
{Pause for thought}
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
(Trad.)
------------------------------------
From: greg@math.berkeley.edu (Greg)
Subject: An old SNL commercial
AAAAA
The Only Automobile Association for Alcoholics
------------------------------------
From: watmath!research!ark
Subject: New Hampshire Proverb
When you heat with wood, you get warm twice --
the first time when you chop it,
and then again when you stack it.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) (03/18/90)
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.
Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.
=========================================================================
From: watmath!rutgers!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!hin (Ian Novack)
Subject: Message from the System Manager
I saw this in hanging in our system manager's office:
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
------------------------------------
From: Matt Landau <watmath!mailrus!diamond.bbn.com!mlandau>
Subject: Offensive to Nuns
[Best told vocally, but not bad in writing either...]
What's black and white and black and tan and black and light brown
and black and brown and black and dark brown and black and black?
A nun on a spit.
------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!mcvax!nada.kth.se!d85-kai (Kai-Mikael J{{-Aro)
Subject: "Democratic election", say American observers.
Ewa Thibaud on Salvadoran election:
"Ariani claims participation to have been 62%. This sound a bit high,
even if some voted twice."
------------------------------------
From: watmath!mailrus!ames!claris!portal!cup.portal.com!Mec
Subject: But officer ...
"But officer, I was doing the speed limit! In hexadecimal!"
Originally written by me, Michael Chastain
------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!munnari!melba.oz.au!pcm (Paul C. McLeish)
Subject: handyman hints
Organization: Burdett, Buckeridge and Young Ltd.
How many programmers does it take to wall-paper a room?
Twelve, but you have to slice them thinly.
------------------------------------
From: watmath!rutgers!newton.physics.purdue.edu!murphy (William J. Murphy)
Last night while discussing photography we came up with a new elementary
particle....
PHOTOFLASH TACHYONS: The elementary particle responsible for
synchronising a subject's blink with the flash of the camera.
------------------------------------
Subject: Pessimist's saying
From: watmath!mailrus!sharkey!aucis!bnick (Bill Nickless)
If at first you don't succeed,
you've failed, failed again!
--
Bill Nickless
Andrews University Computer Science Department Unix Support Group
------------------------------------
From: Jeff Martens <watmath!rutgers!cis.ohio-state.edu!martens>
Subject: Aggie humor
I saw this one on a bumper sticker a couple days ago:
Honk if I'm an Aggie
------------------------------------
From: James Cowie <watmath!mailrus!ames!harvard!yale!cowie-james>
original joke:
"There are two kinds of people in the world:
Those who can only see half of the picture."
:)
------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!convex!dodson (Dave Dodson)
Subject: Why did the chicken ...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave Dodson, Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas
------------------------------------
From: watmath!gatech!ULKYVM.BITNET!BLSWET01
Organization: University of Louisville
Subject: BITNET mail follows
Lovers celebrate Valentines day. What day do lonely men celebrate? Palm Sunday!
------------------------------------
From: Mogens Jallberg <watmath!uunet!mcvax!diku!jall>
Subject: democracy vs. feudalism
In democracy its your vote that counts
In feudalism its your count that votes
------------------------------------
From: cs.utexas.edu!wsl.dec.com!erik (Erik Fortune)
Subject: possibly offensive to women
(overheard in a coffee bar, man speaking)
"Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib."
------------------------------------
From: Steve Fullerton <watmath!rutgers!orstcs.cs.orst.edu!statware!scf>
Subject: sexual
I heard this on the radio on the way to work this morning, Portland, OR
station Q105.
Q: What are the 3 words you don't want to hear while making love?
A: Honey, I'm home.
--
Steve Fullerton Statware, Inc.
------------------------------------
From: Andrew Solovay <watmath!rutgers!cs.yale.edu!solovay-andrew>
Subject: Unitarians
Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan?
They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns.
------------------------------------
From: Eric Percival <watmath!hpqtdla.hp.com!eric>
Subject: Smelliest thing in the world
Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world ?
A: A Kipper's pussy
------------------------------------
From: watmath!vicom.com!steve (Steve Maurer)
Subject: Crude (but funny) EE humor
Q: What's the chief difference between Kotex and Tampax?
A: One is surface-mount, the other is through-hole.
------------------------------------
From: uunet!sjs.ATE.SLB.COM!jones
Subject: Potty patrol
Paul Harvey reported June 13, 1989:
Someone broke into the Wilmington, Delaware police department and stole all of
the plumbing fixtures.
The police say that they currently have nothing to go on.
--
Clark Jones Schlumberger Technologies, Tempe, AZ
------------------------------------
From: watmath!eniac.seas.upenn.edu!sal (Cyberpunk in Training)
Subject: Radical Riddle.
Q: What speeds all the time, yet never makes it past 55?
A: Abbie Hoffman
(original - obviously!)
--
Marcos Salganicoff
U. of P Computer and Inf. Sci.
------------------------------------
From: Pavel Rozalski <watmath!dgp.toronto.edu!pavel>
Subject: GNU joke
With the recent political discussions raging regarding the GNU people and
the policies of the Free Software Foundation, I was inspired.
New tee-shirt design:
Front:
GNUers
do it for
free!
Back:
And they don't
give a damn about
look & feel.
------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) (03/19/90)
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.
Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.
=========================================================================
From: Jan Steinman <jans%stammer.labs.tek.com@relay.cs.net>
Subject: Yugo Where Yupush
(From a caller on NPR's "Car Talk" car problem radio talk show.)
Why do they have a rear window defroster on the Yugo?
So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it.
--
Jan Steinman, Electronic Systems Laboratory, Beaverton, OR 97077
------------------------------------
From: jeenglis%nunki.usc.edu@usc.edu (Joe English)
Subject: Papal Indulgences
Organization: Nerds of Action
Just heard this shouted off of someone's balcony
(isn't college life great?)
"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Popeye beat the shit out of him!"
------------------------------------
From: ingr!b11!mark@uunet.uu.net
Subject: Stupid commercial
Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in
America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at?
------------------------------------
From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: IBM bashing
Over heard from some IBM employees at a San Jose watering hole.
IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more.
------------------------------------
From: uw-beaver!ssc-vax!voodoo!jdt@uunet.UUCP (Jim Tomlinson)
Subject: Possibly offensive to Jehovah's Witnesses
Heard from a friend at Microsoft:
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.
------------------------------------
From: bill@inebriae.wlk.com (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: 'nother Aggie story
[ please correct the spelling, I don't have a dictionary here ]
Do you know how the Aggie got gonorreah of the eyelid?
He was looking for love in all the wrong places.
------------------------------------
From: pegasus!psrc@att.UUCP
Subject: movie sequels
Seems like they're working on a sequel to this summer's underwater saga, THE
ABYSS. Rumor has it that they're going to call it SON OF ABYSS.
------------------------------------
From: Kevin Carothers <kevin@ttidca.tti.com>
Subject: A riddle
Q: How do you tell if a yuppie woman has reached climax?
A: She drops her briefcase
------------------------------------
From: hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist@uunet.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Washington D.C.
John Kennedy described Washington as combining
"Southern efficiency and Northern charm"
------------------------------------
From: Hildebaby <JDH92%swat.swarthmore.edu@watdcs.uwaterloo.ca>
Subject: A concert to remember... [Resubmitted w/explanation]
I heard this from a friend of mine who I think made this up.
Rumor has it that some smart show biz executive is setting up plans for
a concert tour in 2010 called: "Bobby McFerrin: Together Again."
[Bobby McFerrin is the musician who did "Don't Worry Be Happy," and all sounds
in his songs are produced by the voice or by hitting one part of the body
against another, often involving seemingly impossible, painful contortions.]
--
Jeff Hildebrand jdh92@campus.swarthmore.edu
------------------------------------
Subject: God joke. Short. Not mine.
From: chessene!root@devon.lns.pa.us (Mark Buda)
If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?
A Guest Host.
paraphrased from "The Jehovah Contract", by Victor Koman, unless I'm totally
confused about his last name, which I don't think I am, but not being one
hundred percent totally absolutely dead certain about it i feel obligated to
add some element of uncertainty lest I propagate false information as truth.
i'm probably right anyway.
no idea what page, though.
------------------------------------
From: Lee Crocker <73407.2030@compuserve.com>
Subject: Corollary to drummer jok
What do you call a 16-year-old girl who hangs out with musicians?
Tiffany.
--Just an idle thought.
------------------------------------
From: christopher kushmerick <bnlux0.bnl.gov!kushmer@watmath.UUCP>
Subject: Quale's fantasy
Quale musing to himself:
" Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy....."
"Thats right, I passed the bar the FIRST time."
------------------------------------
From: Lisa Stapleton <lks@lucid.com>
Subject: humor
How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a process?
Four. Three to hold it down and one to rip its head off.
------------------------------------
From: ames!apple!netcom!teraida!teradyne!zehntel!edw@watmath.UUCP (Ed Wright)
Subject: A Little Unix Humor (Humour)
alias cls "/bin/rm -fr *"
alias clear "/bin/rm -fr *"
Ed (I just Love Those Students) Wright
------------------------------------
From: brian@ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: floppy disks
Heard from a MacIntoy abuser:
If those 5-1/4" diskettes are called "floppies" because they're so flexible,
then clearly the right thing to call the 3-1/2" hard plastic case version
is a "stiffie".
- Brian
------------------------------------
From: krs@uts.amdahl.com (Mister Doctor [Kris Stephens])
Subject: She *knew* I was gonna post this!
Q. What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP?
A. A bitch who thinks she knows it all.
------------------------------------
From: iqp@expert.cc.purdue.edu (timm)
A few jokes i remember from college days.........
Why does Dolly Parton have small feet?
because feet dont grow well in shadows!
What did Kenny Rogers say when he saw Dolly Parton do a backstroke in the
swimming pool?
"Islands in the Stream........"
Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
InDiana.....
What happened when "The best little whorehouse in Texas" caught fire?
Some came out running while others ran out coming!
------------------------------------
From: Jean Marie Diaz <ambar@athena.mit.edu>
From: hibbert@idig.pa.dec.com (Chris Hibbert)
Subject: Congress
Date: 11 Dec 89 10:16:34 PST
Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI) recently adcvised constituents not to expect
all their problems to be solved by the federal government. He warned
voters, "Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom."
------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need a reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) (03/20/90)
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.
Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.
=========================================================================
From: watmath!berkeley.edu!mudie%xenon.Berkeley.EDU (David C Mudie)
Subject: Social graces
Why do debutantes hate group sex?
They have to write so many "thank you" notes.
[ From the movie CLEAN AND SOBER, and presumably copyright the makers. ]
------------------------------------
From: uunet!iscuva.ISCS.COM!jimk (Jim Kendall)
Subject: Tooth decay
Organization: ISC Systems Corporation, Spokane WA
(one last chance)
This happened as I was leaving work for a dental appt. yesterday.
ME: I'm leaving now to the dentist to get prophylaxis.
BOSS: (with strange look on face) I thought you had a vasectomy.
------------------------------------
From: Eric Percival <watmath!hpqtdla.hp.com!eric>
Subject: Sick Joke - Offensive to Liverpudlians
Q: How do you get 250 Liverpool soccer supporters into a Ford Escort ?
A: Get a policeman to open the door
------------------------------------
Subject: Contraceptive techniques
From: "Tim J Ihde" <uunet!attdso.att.com!tim>
Do you know the best contraceptive for senior citizens?
Nudity.
- Phyllis Diller (on the Tonight Show)
------------------------------------
From: David Ash <watmath!sumex-aim.stanford.edu!ash>
Subject: Dan Quayle
George Bush is a better judge of character than we thought. After all, wasn't
it he who called Dan Quayle the "Jose Canseco of American politics"?
-Dave
------------------------------------
From: uunet!att.att.com!io!rassilon!stuart (Stuart Freedman {x3262})
Subject: Irish Archaeologist
And one from our beloved Joke-of-the-Day moderator...
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 89 03:53:00 edt
From: Philip_YOUNG%dga.ceo.dg.com@RELAY.CS.NET
Did you hear about the Irish archeologist who discovered a tampon but
couldn't determine what period it came from ...?
------------------------------------
From: Ken Johnson <uunet!aiai.ed.ac.uk!ken>
Subject: Rupert Murdoch
[Remark by Clive James on `Start the Week' this morning]
Rupert Murdoch thinks an independent editor is one who says `Yes!' without
being prompted.
------------------------------------
From: watmath!topaz.rutgers.edu!clong (Chris Long)
Subject: Yet Another One Of Those ...
Why don't we need George Bush's proposed space mission?
Because Dan Quayle is already on Mars.
-Chris
------------------------------------
From: Alan Silverstein <uunet!hpfcajs.hp.com!ajs>
From: orca!davidl
Date: Aug 9 1983
Subject: riddle
Newsgroups: net.jokes
What is small and yellow and very dangerous?
A canary with the super-user password!
------------------------------------
Subject: question words
From: watmath!udel.edu!new
The Wh-words of English:
Who, What, When, Where, How, and sometimes Why.
------------------------------------
From: Dave Ash <watmath!portia.stanford.edu!dash>
Subject: blackjack
Why did the casino owner support an increase in the drinking age?
Because then all the blackjack players would be over 21.
-Dave
------------------------------------
From: Mitzi Eichenseer SCONS <watmath!ariel.unm.edu!meichen%hydra.unm.edu>
Seen on a coffee cup:
Drink your coffee -- there are people in India sleeping.
------------------------------------
Subject: How bad is the crime problem?
The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to
designate school-free drug zones.
------------------------------------
From: watmath!bosco.Berkeley.EDU!hughes (Eric Hughes)
Subject: More scratchings
Seen on a wall in Berkeley, CA:
CONSPIRACY IS THE OPIATE OF THE ASSES.
------------------------------------
From: Howard Stateman <cs.utexas.edu!ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU!hplabs!hpwrce!howeird>
From: jay@hpldola.HP.COM (Jay Geertsen)
Subject: Re: Graffiti
Organization: HP Elec. Design Div. -ColoSpgs
I remember a Reader's Digest blurb about how someone had scrawled the
following on a wall at a college somewhere:
Is there intelligent life on Earth?
According to the story, a week or so later someone else tacked on:
Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel.
- Jay Geertsen
------------------------------------
From: watmath!cattell.psych.upenn.edu!mmoore (Mike Moore)
Subject: PBS is ...
Petroleum
Broadcasting
System
(Tom Lopez, WXPN's artist in residence, in the radio series "Ruby II")
------------------------------------
From: watmath!Think.COM!fad
Subject: State Department
A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a
policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?"
The cop answered, "Ours, I hope."
[Heard in the halls, original source unknown.]
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From: watmath!svax.cs.cornell.edu!jennings (Jim Jennings)
Subject: Small (?) Radio Station Ad
Heard on the radio:
"Remember, it's not the size, it's the frequency: 101.5 WPDH"
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From: Kenneth Ingham <watmath!ariel.unm.edu!ingham%cygnus.unm.edu>
Subject: Definition?
is a book listing the definitions of habitual substances known as an
addictionary?
Kenneth Ingham, University of New Mexico CIRT, Albuquerque, NM 87131
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From: Ross M Mather <matherr@cs.glasgow.ac.uk>
Subject: A stupid joke
Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly ?
A: They don't have to answer the phone.
(Anonymous Secretary)
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--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.