JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington) (06/04/90)
Dear Friends, There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are forced to write in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2 by saying "PRINT 2+2" or something equally laconic (indeed the older ones amongst us can actually do such calculations in our heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2 GIVING THE ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING" So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here is a typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary confinement with nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company. Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English Dictionary (20-odd volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when this request denied. Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own dictionary from bits of bed linen and stale soup. Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it to add two and two. Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual. Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency engineering. Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend codes. Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his warder brings him a bowl of porridge. ... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete cure can be guaranteed. Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with the campaign, I just want some money. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need a reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.