weber@natasha.cs.uiuc.edu (Daniel Elvis Weber) (10/08/90)
I mailed my friend Brandon Lovestead a copy of the story written by sobleski@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu about "Captain Picard Encounters the Borg" (a parody in which the Borg are related to USENET). He decided that he could not wait for the season premier nor the completion of the story by the author, so he wrote his own ending to the story. I thought it was amusing, and figured that since there has been no posted conclusion, you might consider this ending. For Brandon Lovestead, Daniel Weber ---------------------------------------------------------------------///// RIKER: We have no choice now. Data retrieve that old file on recursion Jordi wrote when he was pissed off at our sysop. DATA: At once. What does that file do? RIKER: I'll tell you when it happens. WORF: Borg initiating talk...shall we establish connection? RIKER: Yeah, why not.... but use _all_lowercase_, Lieutenant! Lt.Yar: That should confuse them even further! DATA: I have retrieved that file, Commander, it has a README document with it, and a warning... Shall I read it? RIKER: No! The Borg might be monitoring our session. Put the file up on the Captain's chair terminal...all lower case. JORDI: I am reading some strange memory errors, Commander! They seem to be i/o problems primarily. I think the Borg are trying to remote login to our computer. RIKER: Good! They're doing what I want them to! Worf, send a uuencoded message over the talk connection, and rot13 it. WORF: But Commander, uuencode over talk? What should I send them? RIKER: Send them anything big...send them all the man pages for System V. WORF: Yessir. DATA: What do you intend to do with that recursion file, Commander? RIKER: I am going to amend it, then offer it on a golden platter to them. RIKER BEGINS TO REPROGRAM THE FILE DATA: Ah. A trojan horse. A deception. A program designed to... RIKER: Yes, Data! JORDI: Commander, they have almost established a remote login...they have almost guessed the password...Data's favorite complex number! RIKER: There, finished. Data, transfer my file to the main computer's bin directory, and change the name to "SystemShutdown". DATA [click-beep] Done, sir. JORDI: They did it, sir, the Borg are now searching the root. They are ftp- ing some files. Hey, what's SystemShutdown? There's no such... RIKER: Jordi, remember when you wrote that program to get back at Lieutenant Foster? JORDI: You mean the one that spawns shells recursively? RIKER: That's the one. I just sent it to the Borg... WORF: Commander, the Borg are demanding better documentation....wait... I am reading a surge in power in their main computer. Lt.YAR: Confirmed sir. It is progressing at an almost geometric rate. They are swapping out pages like crazy.... DATA: At this rate, they should be unable to process anything beyond the highest level of interrupt... RIKER: Exactly...only a reset! WORF: Commander, it appears they...it can't be...they've dumped their entire core, but it can't find a place in memory.....system shutdown has occurred! They are defenseless! RIKER: Yes! Little did they know it was _their_ system shutdown that I label the file for! We should have the Captain back anytime. POOF! PICARD APPEARS ON THE BRIDGE PICARD: What happened Number one? RIKER: You were captured by the Borg, and brainwashed, sir. PICARD: Indeed. Why am I here, though? RIKER: We allowed them to ftp a recursive shell-spawning program into their computers. Once they had to dump their core, it was just a matter of time before you had to be swapped out back to the Enterprise. PICARD: But, Commander, did it ever occur to you that I could've been swapped elsewhere, say, to tapedrive? RIKER: Yes, but I was willing to take the risk, sir. PICARD: Willing to... WORF: Captain the Borg are requesting talk... PICARD: Acknowledge, Lieutenant. WORF: Should I continue in uuencode and rot13? PICARD: What the hell...? RIKER: Discontinue that, Mr.Worf, resume normal ascii. WORF: Aye, sir. PICARD: This is Captain Picard. We have disabled your computers entirely, how are you communicating? BORG: WE ARE USINH^HG A HAZELTINW^HE 1500. THIS IS FUTILE! WE WILL LEAVE. BUT WE WILL REFURN! RIKER: "Refurn," sir? PICARD: I don't know, Number One, perhaps they will come back as plants. Maybe corn, or perhaps....kernels... Mr.Crusher, take us out of here, warp 5. THE END...? -bgl ------------------------------------------------------------------------///// -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need a reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.