funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/10/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
------------------------------------
Subject: Chinese Advertisement
From: tomc@citrus.citr.uq.oz.au
According to a (reliable) source just back from the People's Republic of China:
CAAC, the PRC's flag carrier is currently running TV ads within the PRC
indicating that they are the official airline for this year's Asian Games.
These ads use the ABBA hit "Take a Chance on Me".
Hard to accuse them of false advertising!
------------------------------------
From: alcmist@apple.com (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Microsoft ad
This Microsoft ad says
"Some people don't see the advantages of combining Microsoft applications.
But then some people didn't see what would come of mixing nitro and
glycerin"
------------------------------------
From: valentin@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Shawn V. Hernan)
Subject: Grammatical, Arcane
Recently while playing one of the ubiquitous video games I so love,
I thought about all the intricate and remarkable work that went into
the production of that game. There was, of course, all the technical
marvels, as well as art and music. I thought about all the people who
helped make this, and all the little decisions that had to be made. I
was temporarily impressed. My character then died of some mortal
video wounds, and the game displayed the following epitaph:
"Your Dead"
They should have hired an English teacher.
------------------------------------
From: arriba@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Laura)
Subject: Store signs
Signs outside a local garden shop:
"COMPOST HAPPENS"
"Just say NO to bugs"
------------------------------------
From: cambler@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Christopher)
Subject: Beware of Irate Customers
This was sent to me by a humour mailing group. It was a followup to an article
discussing the following rebuttal:
> Your criticism of our product suggests an unsound technical background.
Er, I think a friend who used to work at <research lab> related a story
about a customer support line (for a different company). The support
person said something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you
know," to which his reply was, "But we're one of the few with tactical
nuclear weapons."
------------------------------------
From: ches@research.att.com (Bill Cheswick)
Subject: Anoxia
In a recent PBS show on the telescopes atop Mauna Kea
they described the loss of brain function at such altitudes (>14,000ft).
Apparently, a mechanic telephoned the base and reported:
``I've cut this bar three times, and it's still too short!''
------------------------------------
From: deanp@sequent.com (Dean Phetteplace)
Subject: BPOE funds genital restoration
The Seattle Times ran an article on November 7, 1985, about the Wenatchee
Elks convention and its various charitable programs, including the
following paragraph:
"Nationaly, the Elks are approaching $800,000 in fund-raising to support
the cunt restoration work on the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor."
I wasn't sure the Statue of Liberty had one, but at $800,000 it must be
VERY large.
------------------------------------
From: root@texbell.sbc.com (Greg Hackney)
Subject: Money washed ashore
Seen posted by Andrew Klossner in misc.consumers:
Here in the Portland Oregon area, when Exxon spilled their goo all over
the Alaska coast, a local student spent his life savings, $5,000, to
take out a full-page ad in the newspaper, urging people to boycott
Exxon gas stations.
He proudly showed the ad to a friend, who pointed out that Exxon has no
gas stations in Oregon.
------------------------------------
From: frank@cis.ohio-state.edu (Frank Adelstein)
Subject: best seller?
Ad seen in the back of THE NATION for the History Book Club:
THUNDER
GODS
THE KAMIZAZE PILOTS
TELL THEIR STORY
(either it's very short stories, or very poor pilots)
------------------------------------
From: jonth@ifi.uio.no (Jon Thingvold)
Subject: local politics
This is an old newspaper story in norway.
There was a meeting in a small city in southern Norway, and the
discussion was whether they sould allow beer in the local grocery stores
or not.
The current speaker said: "Remember, Jesus made wine out of water."
His opponent replies: "We know that, but we certainly don't like it!"
------------------------------------
From: georgem@microsoft.UUCP (George MOORE)
Subject: Cartoon strip highway signs?
This is from page 8 of the October 8th issue of _Newsweek_:
"About the reflector signs installed near the U.S.
Immigration checkpoint on Interstate 5. This year alone,
10 illegal aliens have been killed by cars while running
across the road. The road is called a Pedestrian
Accident Area. The signs have cartoon strips that show
an immigrant crossing the road and getting hit by a car.
Then they show a funeral."
------------------------------------
From: John_Coughlin@carleton.ca
Subject: Censorship
This quote by a Nicaraguan official is taken from P.J. O'Rourke's
"Holidays in Hell".
"They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of
expression. This was a lie and we could not let them
publish it."
-- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry
Director of Censorship, quoted in
The New York Times, 1984
------------------------------------
From: bio_zwbb@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Dr. William B. Busa)
Subject: School Daze
The following was self-attributed to my grad school roommate;
however, its so perfect that I've always had my doubts....
While TAing an ecology field course, my roommate had to read and
grade dozens of field reports on a small mammal census study. One
student's report featured the systematic misspelling of "burrow" as
"burro". Frustrated and fiesty, my roommate wrote in the margin:
"A *burro* is a kind of ass. A *burrow* is a hole in the ground.
You obviously don't know your ass from a hole in the ground!"
------------------------------------
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: seen on the wall in a New York subway station
There are no integers n > 2 and x, y, z > 0, such that
x^n + y^n = z^n
I have found a truly wonderful proof of this.
Unfortunately, my train is coming.
------------------------------------
From: wsmith@cayman.amd.com (Walter Smith)
Subject: Indecent Exposure Kills!
According to an account in the newspaper, a music teacher from Paris
froze to death on Mont Blanc while meditating in the nude near a
glacier at about 6,000 ft, police from Chamonix, France, said. While
it's sad that Ghislaine Sanchez died, one's tempted to view this
incident as an example of Darwinism at work. You see, a mountain patrol
had previously brought her down to Chamonix for treatment of
hypothermia after running across this 37 year old on Sept. 23 meditating
on Mont Blanc, once again, in the nude.
------------------------------------
From: arul@Neon.Stanford.EDU (Arul A. Menezes)
Subject: Current Limits
Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University
I invented this one after I thought I heard a speaker say
something in this vein at a lecture this afternoon. I should probably
keep the speaker anonymous.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a lecture about a new system, the speaker was explaining the
limits placed on this new high-performance distributed system by current
technology:-
".....and the distance between nodes is limited to 200m since
this represents about 1 microsecond delay at the current speed of
light."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/11/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories, cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they are collected here. This is posted in several parts ------------------------------------ From: JAYARAMAN@uwav1.acs.washington.edu Subject: can u post this....? Please see if this is suitable for posting in RHF. On saturday, I received a letter from British Telecom saying that they had installed a new computer to improve their efficiency. On monday, I received a letter from British Telecom saying that they had installed a new computer to improve their efficiency. ------------------------------------ From: dgross@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Dave Gross) Subject: Christian Identity Movement catalog item 101 - THE BIBLE SAYS: RUSSIA WILL INVADE AMERICA AND BE DEFEATED by Sheldonn Emry. Our victory is certain in the last battle in spite of the fact that we are already disarmed and the anti-Christ's armies prepare for invasion of North America. $1.50 ea; 5/$5 ------------------------------------ From: CC007002@wvnvaxa.wvnet.edu (denise) Subject: computer jargon While flipping through the cable channels the other day, I paused to listen to the spiel about some software on a home shopping channel. Among other features, the announcer mentioned that the software was compatible with "ASC 2" files. ------------------------------------ From: hiebeler@turing.cs.rpi.edu (Dave Hiebeler) Subject: No comment Jack Brown (I think -- it came through a GEnie/ForthNet gateway, and I may have misinterpreted the header) related this story on comp.lang.forth: It was interesting that in [Chuck Moore's] article from the SIG Forth newsletter (issue 3) towards the end ( I don't have the article in front of me) he mentions one of his favorite pieces of code... a 3 line " TRACE " routine and how after he comes back to that code a year later he can't figure out what it is doing ( no comments). But after studying the 3 lines for about 3 hours it becomes perfectly clear what is going on and why no comments were required!! ------------------------------------ From: trb@ima.ima.isc.com (Andrew Tannenbaum) Subject: first the Nova, now the Miyata Organization: Interactive Systems, Cambridge, MA 02138-5302 The folks at Mazda learned no lesson from Chevrolet, who once named a car Nova - "no va" means "doesn't go" in Spanish. Mazda's current popular convertible is called the Miyata. This is quite close in pronunciation to the Spanish word "meada," which means "urine stain" - the verb form is "mear" - "to piss." ------------------------------------ Subject: Medical examinations From: HAMER@ruby.vcu.edu (ROBERT M. HAMER) The following was copied from a local newspaper. I wonder if the reporter wrote it with a straight face: "Richmond, VA, April 16. Riad A. Aboulhosn, a Richmond man, had his application to retake an optometry licensing examination denied for five years by the state Board of Optometry because of his 1988 conviction on charges of practicing without a license and for allegedly fondling a patient. In its order, the Board said: 'By his own testimony, Riad A. Aboulhosn admits that breast examinations are not part of a legitimate optometric examination and that he has never received training in performing a breast examination.'" ------------------------------------ From: joev@monash.edu.au (Joe Voros) Subject: Movie Spoiler???? This really happened. To set the scene: I was staying with my girlfriend's family over Easter. Naturally, there were a million films all dealing with the religious aspects of this occasion. The family was sitting glued to a typical ``story of Christ'' film, attentively watching as though it were a suspense story where you don't know what will happen. My girlfriend was irritated by this. I went out to the kitchen for something and, from there, I heard her say: ``He gets betrayed, and they nail Him up in the end, you know. Judas did it.'' They groaned and said: ``Oh, *thanks* a *lot*!'' ------------------------------------ From: gwh%ocf.Berkeley.EDU@lilac.berkeley.edu (George William Herbert) Subject: Bearly Funny Story (the following is crossposted from rec.guns, where it has strayed from the normal topic. You people might find it amusing, however... 8-) (FYI, in case you don't know the M-60 refered to herein is a US army tank) In article <1990Apr17.152604.6930@ism.isc.com> wbt@cbnews.att.com (William B. Thacker) writes: >In article <1990Apr11.222357.28077@ism.isc.com> tsuit@gmuvax.gmu.edu writes: >> Yes, I've heard about this. A friend of mine was in a similar >>situation while on maneuvers in Alaska. Apparently, an M1 Abrams tank >>fired a 105mm round at a charging kodiak. Unfortunately the round >>round struck the bear in the head, further enraging the beast, which >>proceeded to maul the entire tank crew. > >The incident to which you refer actually involved an M60-A3. Just so nobody asks, here's the full scoop on what happened... Unit involved was reg. army. A M-60A3 was out on a practice range, doing maneuvers, when the crew took a 'rest break' [more accurate term deleted for general distribution]. while they were zipping back up and heading back to the tank, a mid-sized Black Bear appeared off to one side. They ran back to the tank, the driver arriving last, and just in time to close his hatch before the bear chomped on him. Well, there are rules against doing destructive things to local wildlife, so they just sat there for a while waiting for it to go away. After a few minutes, they heard it beginning to chew on something outside. Deciding that this wasn't good, the commander instructed the driver to start the engine in an attempt to scare the bear off. Apparently, at this point the bear climbed over to the front deck and managed to activate the fire extinguisher. Nobody was able to figure out quite how, but it did. Now, some background on the M-60 fire extinguisher. In case of an internal fire, it's of primary importance that the vehicle not burn totally and be lost. Since a fire inside can be pretty bad, the fire extinguisher is pretty energetic. So powerful, in fact, that the crew cannot survive for any length of time inside after it's been activated. And, just in case the crew has been disabled, the fire extinguisher can be fired by external controls, which this bear apparently pulled... The crew exited promptly, and the bear got a nosefull of fire extinguisher dust and left, too. So, the the rumor that the tank had to use it's 105 is false and that is the story. :-) ------------------------------------ From: leigh@nrc.com (Leigh Guren) Subject: Definition of "spooning" This is a true story. As a teenager, many centuries ago, I attended an inner-city high school. At one point I worked on the school paper, which was "advised" by Mr. O'Conner, a young, good-humored English teacher. One day, while cleaning out a storage areas, Mr. O'Conner discovered a box of old school papers from the late 1930's and early 40's. The students started reading through them. One of our school "jocks" was stumped by a 1941 school gossip column, which reported that "A.J. and B.T. were seen spooning in the parking lot." "Hey, teach!" pipes up our jock. "What's spooning?" Mr. O'Conner replied, (without batting an eye), "Spooning is just a bit short of forking." Ah, yes. A few teachers like that, and you can almost enjoy school! ------------------------------------ From: daggit@src.honeywell.com (Bob Daggit) I recall the following humorous (and presumably true) story I read a number of years ago in the book "Fire on the Prairie" (author forgotten), a history of the country around Madison, Minnesota. Charlie and his wife operated a farm in the area and Charlie's wife, like most farmers' wives, kept a few chickens for eggs for cooking and to sell for a little spending money. At one point in time, the good wife was disturbed to find that some predator was taking some of the chickens. Awakened one night by the squawking of chickens, she roused her husband to see what was disturbing them. Dressed only in a night shirt, he loaded his double-barrelled shotgun and headed for the chicken house. He walked softly down the path toward the chicken house and, as he neared the door, dropped to all fours. Crawling forward on hands and knees, he poked his head and the shotgun around the door jamb and stopped to see if he could spot the culprit. What he didn't realize was that the family dog had followed him and when he stopped the dog didn't. The sudden application of a cold wet nose so startled him that he fired both barrels of the shotgun. He never did see the predator, but Charlie and his wife spent the rest of the night cleaning the thirteen chickens he had mowed down! ------------------------------------ From: tim@egg.gg.caltech.edu My girlfriend played host to two 19-year-old Japanese girls. We saw them off a month ago. This just arrived. Dear Rosie, How have you been? I am sure you are doing very well. I am sorry I should have written to you earlier. Thank you very much for your kindness and hospitality you showed me while I was staying at your home. My English is not good enough to express all my appreciation of what you did to me. I stayed with you for a month, and during that time you did a lot of things to treat me besides helping me with my English study. I am still intoxicated with such-and-such a wonderful thing we had together. Now I realize that my homestay must have been an exceptionally good one. I could really enjoy my stay in America, thanks to you. I will not be able to forget spending you, Tim and many your friends. Your friends were very kind for us. I had a very happy time. I want to go to America and I want to meet you again. I hope that I can meet again. By the way, are you on a diet still? I began to be on a diet in those days. I am so fat, I must be on a diet. Are you studying Japanese? Your Japanese was very good. Please come to Japan. I am waiting for you coming. I must study English more and more because I couldn't speak English very well. I wanted to talk more. I'm sorry that I couldn't talk enough. But you taught me slowly. I was glad that. Once more let me thank you most warmly for my marvellous stay there. Say hello to Tim. Yours sincerely, Kumiko -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/12/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
------------------------------------
From: darrell@midgard.ucsc.edu (Darrell Long)
Subject: Seen at the pharmacy (true)
College Condoms: six lubricated condoms in your school colors.
This is true; I saw it while at the pharmacy to pick up my wife prescription.
------------------------------------
From: jr@eng.sun.com (John Reed)
Subject: real life gambling humor
<Moderator: I posted this to rec.gambling, and have gotten some
suggestions that this is funny enough for your list.>
The most fun I ever had winning and gambling was at the High Sierra in
Tahoe. Annette Funicello (sp?), one of the original mouseketeers, held
the dice for about 20 minutes. I picked up about $2000 cause I was
*only* betting $25 chips. If I had more nerve, who knows. After I
cashed out, I went up to Annette and asked her to sign one of my $100
bills. Her response was "Not now honey, I'm gambling". Classic.
Makes me smile every time I think of it. In case the IRS is listening,
I lost it all back. :-)
The next morning I went down to the casino floor about 10am, and there
was Annette, with dark sun glasses, shooting craps. What a gambler!
------------------------------------
From: pas@unhd.UUCP (Paul A. Sand)
Subject: Laugh while you can afford it
From the Wall Street Journal, March 29, 1990:
The cost of laughing rose 9.4% in 1990, due to increases in the cost of
rubber chickens and other humor items. Calling the funny-fowl price
increases "no laughing matter," humor consultant Malcolm Kushner says
rubber chicken prices are up 33% in three years, while dancing chicken
telegrams are up 18%.
------------------------------------
From: jsast@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Johann)
Subject: True Story -- Politically Oriented
This is a true story which occurred on 4/03/90 at the University of Pgh.
-----
As a member of my University's school newspaper, I often get to go see
various people and events that the average student doesn't. The other day,
Atty. General Richard Thornburgh, a Pitt Alumnus, came here to give our
students a speech about the Soviet Union. A small group of Lyndon LaRouche
supporters had gathered outside the building he was to speak in and they were
getting to be a pain in the neck. Many of them were annoying students, passing
out flyers, etc. Well, I ignored them and walked into the auditorium. After
a five minute wait, a rather well-dressed women walked up to the podium and
began to speak...
"Ladies, Gentlemen, and Students... I would like to thank you for coming here
this afternoon. The man I am to introduce really needs no introduction.
Mr. Richard Thornburgh was a graduate from the Pitt Law School, a two term
Governor of the state of Pennsylvania, the current Attorney General of the
United States, and the main reason why the United States has become a fascist
state! He's turned us into a group of Nazis..."
The women was promptly escorted out of the building and her bouncer was greeted
with a great deal of applause.
------------------------------------
From: shectman%husc4@harvard.harvard.edu (Nicholas Shectman)
Subject: SCA meets the US Army
I heard this from a friend who has heard it from several people in the SCA.
A roommate of mine has also heard it from several places and there are
apparently several versions of it. This is an attempt to piece together
something a little closer to what actually happened.
There was once a fighter in the SCA who was also in the Army Reserves.
During the summer the Army would introduce the reserves to various methods
of man-to-man combat. They'd hand them a weapon, tell them how to hold it,
and let them all have at each other for a little bit. Then they'd take the
guy who was doing the best and put him up against a regular who knew what
he was doing, to demonstrate that you really do need a lot of training if
you want to get good at whatever kind of combat it was.
So one time they hand out a new kind of weapon to a bunch of reservists,
and show them how to hold it, and our hero takes a look at it and says,
"Gee, that looks a lot like a pole-arm. I know how to use that." So he
picks it up and starts trouncing on everyone near him. After a bit the
sergeant notices him and sends him up against the pole-arm specialist.
tappity tappity tappity THUNK.
The sergeant wasn't expecting this and asks another guy who knows about
these weapons what had happened. The other guy says, "I bet he's in the
SCA."
"SCA? What's that?"
"It means you can't beat him."
So the sergeant goes back and asks the guy if he's in the SCA.
"Yes, sir, I am in the SCA, and in the SCA I hold the rank of Knight."
"Well, let's see what happens if we send you up against _two_ regulars",
says the sergeant gleefully.
tappity tappity tappity THUNK THUNK.
So the sergeant goes back to his friend and says, "He says he's a Knight.
What's _that_ mean?"
"It means _they_ can't beat him either."
------------------------------------
From: MAINT@uqam.UUCP (Peter Jones)
Subject: Does NASA now believe the Earth is flat?
According to a news bulletin on CBC radio this morning, a NASA spokesman claims
that the new Hubble orbiting telescope will be so sensitive that it would be
possible to see a "firefly in Australia from Washington DC".
Huh? Has NASA considered the theory that the Earth may be round, in which case
it would be difficult to see around or through it?
------------------------------------
From: joe@hanauma.stanford.edu (Joe Dellinger)
Subject: Bathroom Wall Joke
In the GeoCorner bathroom at Stanford, there is a toilet that is
HARD to flush. So a maintenance worked put a sign above it
"Push Down HARD On Handel"
Scrawled underneath:
"If I do, will it push Bach?"
"No, stupid, it plays Water Music!"
------------------------------------
From: cwebster@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Chris Webster)
Subject: Dorm Bulletin Board announcement
Seen on a bulletin board in Watson Hall (Syracuse University):
Introvert Club Meeting
Wed 5pm* sink room
*members need not attend
------------------------------------
From: johna%gold.gvg.tek.com@relay.cs.net
The NRA (National Rifle Association) is running a TV ad in
California which touts the benefits of being a NRA member.
One of the benefits is mentioned twice: a "Free $10,000
accidental death/dismemberment insurance policy"
------------------------------------
From: FHD@tamcba.UUCP (H. Alan Montgomery)
Subject: Topical, IRS, April 15, Plea for understanding
The following was sent by me to the IRS this last weekend (April 6, 1990):
Dear Sirs:
I was all set to do my taxes this weekend. In fact, I
had the urge to do it last weekend, but laid down until the
urge went away. I did however lay out all my records on the
table ready to work on. On Monday, April 2, a car crashed
into the livingroom of my apartment. The records were
somewhaat mixed up. I honestly do not know where all the
1099-b forms are, in order to fill in Scheddule D line 1.
Sure wish I knew. Anyway, I have made an honest effort to
fill in these forms. If you feel I have made an error, then
tell me what the 10099's you have say. The reason I am
asking you instead of the companies who sold me the stock,
is because the Federal government closed down two of them
for SEC violations (Marshall Davis and Blinder Robinson).
I got out of the stock market because I was not making
any money. I put all the money in checking. The bank,
University National, went under. This is why I have no
interest reported.
All of the above would be very funny if it were someone
else. I am quite certain that you will find something wrong
with the forms, given the time I have been having lately.
All I ask is that you get on with it. I want to put this
behind me.
Sincerely yours,
H. Alan Montgomery
Net: FHD@TAMCBA.BITNET
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need a reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/13/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
----------------------------
From: dash@neon.stanford.edu (David Ash)
Subject: computer classroom joke
Reading the "out of the mouths of profs" column published by mathNews (from
your alma mater and mine, Waterloo) and reprinted in your first network
humor annual reminded me of the following true story from when I was TAing a
course here at Stanford (your other nemesis):
I was TAing a course on concurrency and naturally we'd covered the usual
material on semaphores and the P and V operators. During an "ask the TA"
problem session, we were working on a problem which I, if truth be told,
hadn't bothered to solve completely before the session and which was turning
out to be more difficult than I expected. The problem involved writing a
few lines of code for a rapid transit system and managing the limited
resources of space on trains, platforms, and so on, using semaphores. I was
having difficulty answering a student's question about what to do next.
Finally a woman in the class said:
Well what we need to do is P in a subway station.
------------------------------------
From: pdb059@mipl3.jpl.nasa.gov (Paul Bartholomew)
Subject: Experiment
During his campaign for governor of New Jersey in 1940, Charles Edison,
son of the inventor, introduced himself by explaining, "People will
inevitably associate me with my father, but I would not have anyone
believe that I am trading on the name Edison. I would rather have you
know me merely as the result of one of my father's earlier experiments."
Quoted in _Braude's Handbook of Stories for Toastmasters and Speakers_, by
Jacob M. Braude.
------------------------------------
From: udo@sage.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: Rent-A-Car
I saw a sign near the Seattle-Tacoma Airport which read
10 Dollar Rent-A-Car
$19.95
------------------------------------
From: mikej@lilink.com (Michael R. Johnston)
Subject: Computers are people too
I overheard this conversation in our "tech support" department the other day:
TECH #1: "This silly key keeps repeating."
TECH #2: "Is your key depressed?"
TECH #1: "I don't know how it feels."
------------------------------------
From: AS04@untvm1.UUCP (Claudia Lynch)
Subject: Funny story
We recently had a blockage in the lines going to our septic tank. My
husband called the Roto-rooter people to get an estimate. When asked
their prices, they man on the phone said $69.99. My husband hung up
and said, "I don't know why, but I just have a feeling they're trying
to screw us."
------------------------------------
From: eliot@peyote.cactus.org (Topher G. Eliot)
Subject: I haven't lost my mind, it's around here somewhere.
I received a job assignment in Germany on very short notice. I didn't
know any German at all, but my wife is reasonably fluent, so I had
her teach me a few fundamentals. The next morning, while cooking
breakfast, I was practicing counting, mumbling the numbers to myself:
"Ein, Zwei, Drei ..." I got stuck on nine. Right then, my wife walked
into the kitchen. "Helen" I said, "what are nine and ten?"
With a concerned look on her face, she said:
"Nineteen. Are you OK?"
------------------------------------
From: tim@ggumby.cs.caltech.edu (Tim Kay)
Subject: my 90-year-old grandfather
This is a true story as related to me by my grandmother.
My grandfather was at the cardiologist for a check up. (He is
eighty years old as of February, and he has had a few heart
attacks.) The doctor listened to his chest and said that his
heart sounds good. He asked, "Can you do everything you want
to do?"
To everybodys' surprise, he replied, "No." When asked for
details, he said, "I'm married."
------------------------------------
From: walid@stat.berkeley.edu (Walid S. Al-Sabah)
Subject: sports funnies
From the San Francisco Chronicle of Thursday March 8,1990
After getting the job as manager of the Kansas City Royals
John Wathan walked into his home and asked his wife :
"How would you like to be married to a major-league manager?"
She said: "Why? Is Tommy Lasorda getting a divorce?"
------------------------------------
From: psrc@pegasus.att.com
Subject: Hollywood's gone too far this time
Cybil Shepard has just finished filming TEXASVILLE. This is -- are you ready?
-- a sequel to THE LAST PICTURE SHOW.
------------------------------------
From: MAINT@uqam.UUCP (Peter Jones)
Subject: Royal Bank Visa goes underground? or sleazy?
A couple of days ago, I received the following letter from the Royal Bank
Visa Card Center:
Dear cardholder,
Due to recent increases in the prime rate, we are increasing our Visa interest
rate to 20.75% effective May 1, 1990.
Despite this increase, we will continue to be among the lowest of all card
issuers in Canada.
Sincerely,
Eastern Card Centre
------------------------------------
From: brett@hpsrbkc.hp.com (Brett K. Carver)
Subject: Chevy quality
This came from the Friday March 16 Press Democrat (Santa Rosa, CA). The last
paragraph of an article about the new 4-door S-10 Blazer states:
Consumer Reports magazine said 1983-88 model S-10 Blazers with
two doors and V-6 engines ranged between average and much worse
than average in reports of owner trouble. A Chevrolet spokesman
responded that the plants producing Blazers are among the highest
quality plants in the country.
Well, he sure cleared that up...
------------------------------------
From: jbowe@diamond.bbn.com (John Bowe)
Subject: drunk driving - a true story
This is supposedly a true story about a friend of my father's, from
near Trenton, NJ.
Picture my dad's friend, Dick, one night walking beside his car which
is running and in drive (automatic transmission), with his arm in the
driver's window, steering. A cop stops him:
Officer: What are you doing?
Dick: I'm too drunk to drive home.
Officer: Ah, get in the car...
------------------------------------
From: mantis@ucscb.ucsc.edu (Joel Metz)
Subject: the posting about tabloid headlines reminded me of this...
My parents come home from church one day to find a business
card stuck in the door. upon removing it, and reading it they
see it's from the sheriff. they are considerably puzzled, but
not as much as they will be when they read the note on it:
"Dogs knocked phone off hook and dialed 911.
All secure."
naturally, thay called the sheriff's department, and congratulated
them on what a fine job they were doing...
------------------------------------
From: ghelmer@dsuvax.UUCP (Guy Helmer)
Subject: Solution to the homeless problem
Last night's late news on KSFY, interviewing a social-type worker:
"It would be wonderful to see the homeless population eliminated."
That would be one solution to the problem...
------------------------------------
From: drd@siia.mv.com (David Dick)
Subject: turnabout
When Ted Turner appeared on The Arsenio Hall show,
his segment was broadcast in black and white.
------------------------------------
From: timh@wsccs.UUCP
Subject: Mexican phone company
(Overheard)
"No Lulu, 'Taco Bell' is not a Mexican phone company..."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/14/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
------------------------------------
From: gdk@hpindda.cup.hp.com (Gary Koerzendorfer)
Subject: Funny kid story
This happened to a friend when she was 5 years old - she didn't remember it,
but her mother will never forget.
My friend was the oldest child, so all her hand-me-down clothing came from her
aunts and uncles rather than from her immediate family. Living far away, they
mailed the clothes to her, so when she was asked "Where did you get that cute
outfit?" she would always reply "I got it from the mailman." Everyone would
chuckle when she would answer this way.
One day, she was asked "Where did you get all those freckles?", and my friend
decided it would be fun to reply "I got them from the mailman."
------------------------------------
From: atf@formtek.UUCP (Anne Franusich)
Subject: kids and "inheritance"
Like many siblings, my twelve year old daughter and my seven year old son are prone
to blaming each other for lost or damaged property.
Recently Sarah outgrew one of her favorite T-shirts, and decided to give it to David.
She told him, "Hey David, you just inherited my Einstein T-shirt!" His immediate
comeback was "I did NOT!!"
------------------------------------
From: GLEN@calstate.UUCP (Glen Shiery)
Subject: Pascal Syntax....?
This is from a friend of mine, Rich McGee RICH@CALSTATE.Bitnet.
Only the names have been changed to protect the confused.
BTW: George called today. Sample phone coversation (tenth, last week
of class...)
"Hey guy, got a Pascal question...Turbo, v.5. Won't open a file
on the reset statement."
"OK, what does reset line say?"
"RESET,FILENAME."
"Nope, that should read RESET PAREN filename CLOSE PAREN."
"How do ya spell Paren????"
Honest! That's what he said!
------------------------------------
From: davidvc@sybase.com (David Van Couvering)
Subject: Naive Users
I used to work on a project at UC Berkeley that was intended for
"naive users." After hearing these two stories from my father about
a PC hardware vendor's adventures with users, I wonder if the folks
in this project have considered the level of naivete that is around:
- The man received a call from one woman who complained that the disks
he had given her were all faulty. They would work once, but always
the second time she tried it, the computer would reject them as
faulty.
He asked her the exact circumstances around this event. She said,
"Well, all I do is take them from the fridge..."
"Wait a minute!" he said, "you take them from the fridge?"
"Oh yes, I store them up there! I keep them up with magnets!"
- He described his own mother as calling him saying, "I can't figure
out these disks, I can never get them into the drive after getting
them out of their little envelopes..."
It turns out she was using scissors to take the "envelopes" off
the disks...
------------------------------------
Subject: Offensive Advertisement
From: XRARP@amarna.gsfc.nasa.gov
Let's hear it for creative use of history to make new and
offensive advertising campaigns...
Here's an announcement somebody at Berkeley got from DEC:
A Short Chronology Of Major Demonstrations
1960s: Berkeley gets Civil Rights
1970s: Berkeley gets Individual Rights
1980s: Berkeley gets Animal Rights
1990s: Berkeley gets Fastest Read/Writes!
#
Come sit-in at the Demonstration, May 2nd
Hogan Room, 5th Floor Cory Hall
at 10:00 am and at 3:00 pm
Digital Equipment Corp. Introduces
the DECstation 5000 to UC Berkeley
------------------------------------
From: DUSK9322@wooster.UUCP (Absolut Gem)
Subject: Games
Heard this on the T.V. show "In Sport":
About car-racing:
It's like a game of chess, you have to play your cards right.
------------------------------------
From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Dr. Walter C. Daugherity)
Subject: 0,1,... (Offensive to business majors, true)
First some background information to set the stage:
Most computers have zero as the lowest memory address, so if there are N
locations in memory the highest address would be N-1. Are you with me so
far?
Now back in the olden days (1962) of punched cards, and before the days of
memory-mapped I/O, computers made by IBM (of course) had fixed buffers for
a card image. For example, on the IBM 1620, the "Read Card" instruction
would read the 80 characters on the next card into locations 0 through 79.
However, printed on the card were column numbers 1 through 80, so programmers
had to remember to subtract one. For example, if you had some data in columns
10-20 it would be read into locations 9-19.
This was no problem for scientists, engineers, mathematicians, etc., who were
used to using zero as the first subscript in a series (Newton's approximation
starts with an initial value x[0], etc.). But when IBM decided to build a
computer for data processing, they doubted that business majors could handle
the "offset by one."
So, the IBM 1401 was designed to read columns 1-80 of the next card into--
you guessed it--locations 1 through 80. With location 0 no longer needed,
it was deleted!!!
P.S. The subsequent model, the 1410, did the same.
------------------------------------
From: Wilson.H.Heydt@ames.arc.nasa.gov (Hal Heydt)
Subject: SF vs. the religous right
The late and very much missed science fiction author Randall Garrett
had a very quick wit and was no respecter of sensibilities. A convention
of the Science Fiction Writers of America (SFWA) held in Oakland, CA
overlapped on it's last day with the beginning of a convention of
archetypical little old ladies in tennis shoes--Baptist variety. Garrett
came out of the hotel bar right in front of one of the LOLs with a
cigarette in hand . . .
LOL: *Sniff*. And I suppose you drink, too!
Garrett: Yes, Ma'am. And I also fuck.
(I was told the story by Garrett.)
------------------------------------
From: sachin@vlsic2.csc.ti.com (Sachin Sapatnekar)
Subject: Visitor Parking
Sign at the Johnson Space Center, Houston :
-------------------------
| ^ |
| | |
| |
| Visitor Parking |
| |
-------------------------
What's funny? The arrow points vertically upwards.
------------------------------------
Subject: automatic teller machines (true story)
From: cathy@freezer.it.udel.edu (Hoff Cathy)
My dad once went to a money machine to withdraw some money.
The machine was out of twenty dollar bills, but didn't seem
to 'know' it, and was trying to crank them out anyway. My
dad couldn't get his card back or cancel the transaction.
He wasn't sure the 'emergency phone' would get him any help,
since he figured the bank employees might not consider a
non-holdup an 'emergency.' A line was forming behind him,
though, so he picked up the phone and said, "Help! Your
machine is broken. It's already given me ten thousand
dollars, and I can't get it to stop!"
Needless to say, someone appeared IMMEDIATELY to assist him.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/15/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
------------------------------------
From: garm@midway.uchicago.edu (Robert Garmong)
Subject: U of C gets another Nobel
Sign in a cafe on the U of C campus:
Merton Miller special:
Free Hamburger, Fries, and Soft Drink
With each Nobel Prize
------------------------------------
From: gdk@hpindda.cup.hp.com (Gary Koerzendorfer)
Subject: Bad bite
Heard on KGO radio, in San Francisco:
"At yesterday's Columbus Day fair, a woman was bitten by a dog in the
entertainment area."
------------------------------------
From: TALIESYN@morekypr.UUCP
Subject: Sign in window / crippled children / true
A friend of mine saw the following sign in a Hardee's where they were
having a pumpkin sale to benefit crippled children:
"Buy a pumpkin to help cripple children."
Yes, that's right.... No mistake was made while copying that line.
------------------------------------
Subject: Trick or Treat
From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
Kids sometimes mis-hear things, and perceive phrases as being some other
phrase they already know. This phenomena led to my two year old kid going
up to people's doors last night and announcing "Christmas tree!"
------------------------------------
Subject: Deadly politics
From: farnum@sequoia.berkeley.edu (Charlie Farnum)
Quoted from Martin Snapp's election results in the Oakland Tribune:
Politician with the most staying power:
Judge Frank Ogden of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma,
who was re-elected with 91 percent of the
votes, despite the fact that he died three
months ago.
Moral: In Chicago, dead people vote. In
Oklahoma, they get elected.
------------------------------------
From: bloom-debbie@yale.arpa (Debbie Bloom)
Subject: Computations Joke
This was told by my math professor the other day:
I was at the bank and the teller informed me that since the computers
were down, she would have to do the computations the "old-fashioned
way." She then proceeded to take out her pocket calculator.
So much for multiplication tables.
------------------------------------
From: frk@frksyv.UUCP (Frank Korzeniewski)
Subject: Re: Looking for Computer Folklore
Organization: Frank Korzeniewski, Consulting
Several years back I was working at a HMO and we had a lot of 8080 micros
using ADM3A dumb terminals. These terminals were so dumb that all they had
were upper case character sets. Eventually, upper managment was talked into
upgrading them to the ROM's with upper and lower case characters. Well, one
day we received this big three foot square box from the terminal manufacturer.
Everyone was puzzled as to what they could be sending us. The person with the
order said he had asked for 30 lower case options. The ADM3A terminal has
an upper and lower clamshell like case. When the box was opened we found
they had sent us 30 lower halfs to the terminal case.
------------------------------------
From: wilk@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Michael Wilk)
Subject: Nothing left?
This is true: Kinney Shoes has a new slogan that appears on their advertising
posters. It reads, "We only sell the right shoe."
------------------------------------
From: Unknown
TREE BARK WITH A BITE
North Korean scientists using X-ray techniques to examine more
than half a million trees discovered some 9000 slogans from the
1930s and 1940s engraved on them, lauding Kim Il Sung, now
North Korea's president, and his son, Kim Jong Il.
------------------------------------
From: chuck@melmac.harris-atd.com (Chuck Musciano)
Subject: Why even try?
Organization: Advanced Technology Dept., Harris Corp., Melbourne, Fl.
A new video store opened near me, so I joined and rented some movies.
This place does everything on paper: they wrote me a receipt with the names
of my movies, and I got a copy, and they kept a copy.
When I went to return the movies, they laboriously searched through a
stack of handwritten receipts until they found mine, and checked off my movies.
Being the computer kind of guy that I am, I pointed out that they should sort
the receipt pile by membership number, making the search much quicker.
"Why?" asked the clerk. "People don't come in the store in membership
number order."
Sigh...
------------------------------------
From: mcdonald@bmerh475.bnr.ca (Richard McDonald)
This is a story which circulates around martial arts clubs, and
is called "true". Like many apocryphal stories, it probably is
related to something true, and that's good enough.
Master xxx, an old, traditional master in Karate was visiting
a North American club while on tour from Japan. He's a very
conservitave, "old school", Japanese gentleman. His English is
very poor, and he mainly speaks through the host club's instructor,
who is also Japanese.
Master xxx, host, and club members go out for dinner. After the
meal, Master xxx orders tea (North American style). Soon,
a small pot of hot water and a tea bag arrive. Master xxx
looks at the tea bag until host explains that is, in
fact, the tea.
Fine. Master xxx picks up the tea bag and prepares to rip it
open, to allow the tea to spill into the hot water. No, Master,
says the host. This is the American way to make tea. See, the
bag is porous, and you just place it directly in the water. Master
xxx thinks that's very clever and does so.
A few minutes later he takes a sip. BLECH!! (Strong and bitter
compared to his tastes.) Host says "many North Americans take
some sugar in their tea; perhaps you'd care to try that?" and
hands Master the bowl filled with little sugar packets.
Master takes one of the paper sugar envelopes, looks at it,
remembers the tea bag episode, and drops the envelope, whole,
into the tea.
------------------------------------
From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson)
Subject: English one-pound notes
(True.) The English one-pound note has been out of circulation for a
couple of years now, replaced by a gold-coloured coin. The note went
through several designs; this story refers to the last of them.
Try to get hold of an English one-pound note. If you turn the note
over, there is an engraving of Sir Isaac Newton and a copy of a diagram
from his great book describing the motion of planets. As you would
expect, the diagram shows a planet (P) whose path is an ellipse, at one
focus of which is the sun (S).
However, the engravers draw the Sun at the centre (C) of the ellipse
instead of at a focus. Nobody who had looked at the diagram for which
Newton was renowned had understood what it meant.
------------------------------------
From: FHD@tamcba.UUCP (H. Alan Montgomery)
Subject: How could anyone be so uninformed?
[Overheard in the hall outside my office. Four guys bitching about getting
sick at a party.]
So Floyd got mad about getting sick and called the meat counter at the
store where he got it. He said to the man, "Do you have any more toxic
meat?" The meat cutter did not even pause, and said, "I don't know, let
me check." Then he put down the phone and called out in a voice heard by
everyone in the store, "HEY! Frank, do we have any more toxic meat?!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.cafunny-request@looking.on.ca (11/16/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
------------------------------------
From: asah@csserv1.ic.sunysb.edu (Adam D Sah)
Subject: HP-UX and SUNY Stony Brook
In the past year, SUNY SB has purchased an entire network of HP-UX systems,
including many workstations. It is a general agreement around here that they
are pretty inadequate, and worthless. It seems therefore appropriate to say,
"HP-UX: pronounce it like it's spelled" (that's <ha-pughhh - as if you were
spitting up or something!~)
There is a sequel: The first time I attempted to submit this joke, I
received a system-wide bulletin from root saying that we would all have to
logout so that they could "perform hardware repair". It seems only appropriate!
------------------------------------
From: BEGLEY@forest.ecil.iastate.edu
The wife of a newlywed couple had a habit that constantly annoyed her
husband. She always said 'Just a sec' whenever he asked her to do
something. The husband ignored it as best he could, but one day, while
hanging a painting, he needed some help. So, he asked her to come and
help him. She replied 'Just a sec...' The husband was finally fed up by
this behavior and yelled out in anger "NO! NO MORE 'SECS'! I'M SICK AND
TIRED OF 'SECS'!!!"
A moment later, when he realized how his outburst must have sounded to the
neighbors, he yelled, in an equally loud voice "ALRIGHT, JUST ONE MORE TIME!"
------------------------------------
From: Wegeng.Henr@xerox.com (dw)
Organization: Xerox, Digital Systems Dept, Rochester, NY
Subject: Review and Outlook
There's a bar here in Rochester, NY named Richmond's that occasionally
publishes it's own mini-newspaper. This is taken from the latest issue.
Review and Outlook
Thoughts, Questions, Answers.
Let's get something straight. No, you can't run a tab. You can't cash a
check. No ID, no drink. You can't use the phone. We don't have expresso.
No, that beer sign is not for sale. You can't stay after 2:30 AM. No, I
won't give you a ride or a loan. You can't have one pretzel. No, a double
shot is not less money. No, we are not good friends. No more napkins.
No, you can't park on the sidewalk. No, you can't bring your dog in here.
No, we won't put on another game. No, we won't change the music. You
can't have a real glass. No, I'm not in a bad mood, I'm just tired of your
stupid questions.
------------------------------------
From: poole@emx.utexas.edu (Steve Poole)
Subject: Seasons Greetings
From a bill I got around Christmas.
Your account is now 120 days past due and will be sent to our
collection agency unless you call within 48 hrs.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
------------------------------------
From: alcmist@apple.com (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: This is a real company
But I won't mention their name or where they are.
They noticed a serious problem. Important decisions were not getting made.
Issues were endlessly debated without resolution.
One of their employees told me what action they took to solve this problem.
They formed a committee to study it.
------------------------------------
From: jkw%beta@lanl.gov (Jay Wooten)
My parents were on a vacation in England several years ago with some friends
named Durham. Their itinerary took them near the town of Durham, so they
made a detour and decided to spend the night at a bead-and-breakfast in the
town of Durham.
When they came down for breakfast the next morning, they told the
proprietress that their name was Durham and that's why they had come, etc.
Without skipping a beat, the woman said:
"Well, it's a good thing your name ain't Hell, I guess."
------------------------------------
From: cambler@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Fubar)
Subject: Postal Idiocy
I don't know if you think this is funny or not... I got a good laugh out
of it. This is true, and just happened to me:
Several days ago, I received a card from "Science News." It offered
me a free year of said publication. All I had to do was return the postage
paid card. Great, i thought, so i checked the "yes" box, and dropped the
card in the mail.
Now, on one side is the offer, and my mailing label. I assume that they
want it back to see who i am, such that i accepted the offer. on the
other side is their address, and the "no postage necessary if mailed in
the united states" emblem, as well as "business reply mail," etc.. etc..
The anally retentive post office sent it BACK to me. I assume that they
sent it to the mailing label on the other side, rather than the reply
side. Technically, both sides of the card are compliant with postal
format... but ONLY ONE side has the "no postage necessary..." emblem,
and that's the side with "science news"'s address.
I cannot send this! It will just keep being returned.
I can't decide if it's worth a trip to the post office to point out
their ignorance.
------------------------------------
From: lamour@tympani.mitre.org (Michael Lamoureux)
Subject: Educating our youth...
Ever notice how important punctuation is? This morning on
the way to work I saw a SCHOOL bus with the following painted on the
back in huge black letters:
STOP STATE LAW
Michael
------------------------------------
From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (Emmett Black)
Subject: Continuing Story of my life...
Back when I was a young single man in Houston, TX;
a young lady invited me over to her apartment
to "see her etchings."
I accepted enthusiastically, hoping for the best.
She turned out to be an art teacher,
and had hundreds of them.
------------------------------------
From: nobody@kodak.com (Charlie Dennett)
Subject: Bonehead Stunt of the Week (or Come On Baby Light My Fire)
The local newspaper had a small note this past Sunday (May 13) of a
Buffalo, NY man who awoke the previous day at about 7:30 AM and
smelled gas in his house. Did this person do the obvious? Did he
call the fire department or the gas company? NO! Of course not!
He lit a cigarette. He's in the hospital and his house was last seen
heading east on the New York Thruway.
------------------------------------
From: wrf@ecse.rpi.edu (Wm. Randolph Franklin)
Subject: corporate incompetence
Electronic Arts sent out promotional copies of software in a tin can filled
with refrigerator magnets. Yes it was unreadable.
-- Robert Cringely, Infoworld, 10-2-89, p 102
------------------------------------
From: hans@lfcs.edinburgh.ac.uk (Hans Huttel)
Subject: A storm of protest
Organization: Laboratory for the Foundations of Computer Science, Edinburgh U
[ taken from The Student (Edinburgh University internal newspaper)
Thursday the 17th of May 1990 ]
RUMMIDGE - English Professor Philip Swallow caused a storm of
protest this week when he awarded the Germaine Greer prize for
Feminist Literature to Ms Barbara Cartland, the popular romantic
novelist. Members of the English Department have threatened
strike, and second year lectures given by Professor Swallow were
disrupted by a mass walkout of students.
------------------------------------
From: sun@ecf.toronto.edu (Kwan Leung Andy Sun)
Subject: infinite loop + recursion
The following is a direct screen dump from a general message broadcast.
If you found it funny, I guess that guy was the original author of it:
-General Message 307:
-From steve Thu May 17 15:39:55 1990
-Subject: new zmailer installed
-(2 lines) More? [ynq]
Send mail to steve if you have any problems with the new mailer.
------------------------------------
From: alcmist@apple.com (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Stupidest headline of the decade
So help me, this actually appeared in Infoworld. Remember, GUI
means Graphic User Interface:
"Microsoft may legitimize GUIs with Windows 3.0"
------------------------------------
From: valentin@cbmvax.commodore.com (Valentin Pepelea)
Gorbachev was not the only Soviet Georgian to visit the U.S. last week. Here's
a funny anecdote I found in a paper a few days ago ago:
Withdrawal symptoms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifteen Soviets, mostly Soviet Georgians, were touring a
Georgia more familiar to us when they came acress Crescent
Bank in Jasper.
When the bank tellers demonstrated the bank card and the
automatic teller machine, the Soviets gasped in amazement.
"Only in America", exclaimed Leila Namuradze.
Then, Valery Kadzanaya drew out his business card and asked
the bank folks if he could use it to make a withdrawal.
They've got a lot to learn.
- By Tom Torok
This reminded me of a story told to me by my aunt, when I was a school
boy growing up in Romania.
Amazing discoveries
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Towards the end of the war, as the Russian army was repelling
the Germans from Romania, my aunt's house was used to
temporarely house a group of Russian officers.
Besides proudly hanging large confiscated alarm clocks by their
necks, the officers, who had never seen running water before,
were also amazed at water faucets, and toilet bowls. One day,
one of them came protesting to my aunt, asking for a full
refund:
"I put the piece of meat in the container to wash it, and when
I pulled the trigger, the rushing water took it away!"
Another day a Captain came back from the market with a suitcase
full of faucets and exclaimed:
"I will then plug them into the wall at home, and have running
water too!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.funny-request@looking.on.ca (11/17/90)
Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here. This is posted in several parts
------------------------------------
Subject: Can you catch it falling down the front steps?
From: eddins@eedsp.gatech.edu (Steve Eddins)
I found the following paragraph in a brochure included with my
homeowner's insurance bill, under the heading "Changes Made to Help
You Better Understand Your Coverage."
"Language has been added to the 'bodily injury' provision to clarify
that certain communicable social diseases are not considered a bodily
injury and therefore are not covered."
------------------------------------
From: Mike_Vandervelden@cc.sfu.ca
Subject: Disk space problems
I was on-shift tonight as a duty consultant in a micro-computer
lab in our university when a user approached me with her
life-or-death problem. She had been working with Microsoft Word
on the MacIntosh for the past hour or so, and the time had come to
save her document on her diskette. When the system told her that
there was not enough room left on her disk, she looked at me and
said, "I even reduced the line-spacing in my whole document, and
it STILL wouldn't fit!"
------------------------------------
From: davida@umd5.umd.edu (David Arnold)
Subject: This is an institute of higher education?
I recently saw the form for enrolling in the University of Maryland,
and noticed the following (on a fill-in-the-boxes form):
Contact in case of emergency:
--------------------------------------------------------- -------
Name Living?
I can see it now: "... they might be a little hard to get ahold of;
they've been dead for 5 years..."
------------------------------------
From: sall@floyd.att.com (Sam Saal)
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
Subject: translation problems - a true story
When my parents were in France, visiting family, they found that the
cousins do a lot of their own canning and preserving of fruits and
vegetables. Wanting to bring them a gift on this trip, they decided to
have rubber stamps made so they could print their own labels for the
various preserves the French cousins produce. They asked a local
friend how to say "preserves" in French and were given the word
"preservatif" by this French teacher. They made up several stamps (one
for each family), bought some elegant labels and made up packages for
each cousin.
When they got to Paris, the cousins were pleased with the gift and
decided to try out the stamps. The first person stamped a label, took
one look at it and burst out laughing. "This is a joke," he said."
Bewildered, my parents said it wasn't. "Who taught you this word?" he
asked. My parents told them about their friend the French teacher.
"She may know French," said my cousin, "but she isn't French."
It seems that the French word for "condom" is "preservatif."
Postscript: The cousins would not let my parents take the stamps back
to be replaced. They loved the stamps and will keep them for the humor
value.
------------------------------------
From: adam@media-lab.media.mit.edu (Adam Glass)
Subject: MSG Found Safe!
On a recent trip to an inexpensive Chinese restaurant in the neighborhood,
I happened to notice a newspaper clipping, framed and mounted on the wall
in the front of the store. The headline read "Scientists Find MSG Safe."
Kinda makes you worry, huh?
------------------------------------
From: brodie@fps.mcw.edu (Kent C. Brodie)
Subject: Only in Wisconsin...
The following two slogans were recently seen on a sign advertising
the American Breeder Service (located off of I-94 near Madison, WI)
"Our genes fit everybody"
(and on the other side of the sign...)
"Our bull pen never strikes out"
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From: ewa%cs@ucsd.edu (Eric Anderson)
Subject: Lotus 123
An advertisement on a local radio station for a local technical school
claimed that classes were starting soon for "Lotus 1, 2, and 3."
The same day, an anchor on Headline News claimed that Mitsubishi (?) had
announced a new mainframe capable of executing 500 instructions per second.
------------------------------------
From: paulz@sco.com (W. Paul Zola)
Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc.
Subject: Helpful compiler error message
Here is my favorite compiler error: (from MPW C)
Too many erors on one line (make fewer)
------------------------------------
From: nakamura%SOE.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu (Mark Nakamura)
Subject: Exhibiting social restraint....
Posted in the Berkeley Police Department:
SMOKING PROHIBITED BY LAW
Scrawled underneath:
Jacking off is out of the question.
------------------------------------
From: baj@travis.ssd.csd.harris.com (Barry Johnson)
Subject: Help Wanted...
Found in the July 2 Ft. Lauderdale Sun Sentinal want ads:
CUSTOMER COMPLAINT DESK - Do you have that
special talent and experience that allows you
to work with hostile, screaming, ranting
customers all day long and bring them back into
the world of reality again? If you do, your salary
is wide open. Call Ms. Ulcer at 555-5995.
------------------------------------
Subject: Programming Question of the Year
From: XRARP@amarna.gsfc.nasa.gov (Aliza R. Panitz -- COBE Bug Lady)
This happened to me about 2 years ago.
I was working on a dBASE programming project. The
senior programmer on the project, Bill, a very
competent guy, was taking a beginning C class at
night to expand his job skills.
He asked me for help on his latest assignment.
Bill was to write a C program to reproduce a
decimal-to-binary conversion table that he had
been handed.
That seemed straightforward enough, so I quickly
wrote down three or four variant loops that would
produce the desired results, and a couple of print
statements. I answered a few questions Bill had
about the various techniques I'd used.
His last question was: "Is there some pattern or
algorithm to explain which binary numbers
correspond to which decimal numbers, or are they
just randomly assigned?"
------------------------------------
From: chi@tybalt.caltech.edu (chi-bo)
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
Subject: %#$!*# Traffic!
A friend was driving to work down the 210 Freeway,
when he ran into one of Los Angeles' world famous
traffic jams. Sitting in his car, he grumbled and
cursed out loud, when he noticed the 18-wheeler
standing next to him. The driver was whistling
and looking unbelievably cheerful. Leaning over
to the other side of his car, my friend rolled down
the window and asked,
"How can you be so happy stuck here in this traffic?"
The driver looked down from the cab and grinned.
"Hey," he said, "I'm ALREADY at work."
------------------------------------
From: mmt@dretor.dciem.dnd.ca
Subject: Rule 3
From "An Introduction to Chinese, Japanese and Korean Computing" in a section
on rules for encoding Chinese characters, in its entirety:
Rule 3: If the character is comprised of a container without another radical,
then Rule 3 will not apply.
------------------------------------
From: miller@gabriel.llnl.gov (Patrick Miller)
Subject: Computer Aided Editing...
John Hughes of the Sacramento, CA Bee writes...
An item in Thursdays's Nation Digest about the Massachusetts budget
crisis made reference to new taxes that will help put Massachusetts
"back in the African-American." The item should have said "back in
the black."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."