) (11/19/90)
Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide
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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar swaying.
Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
yourself to a lie in.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC !!!!!
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