scannell@bubba.ma30.bull.com (P Scannell) (02/06/91)
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by Permission
INSPECTION, DETECTION AND REJECTION STANDARD
Please review this document thoroughly, then throw it away.
This Draft subsedes all future drafts.
There will be an open review of this Standard two weeks ago.
You are cordially not invited to attend.
1 INTRODUCTION
Purpose
This document has no purpose. We just threw it together for
laughs. Since it exists, however, by the laws of physics, can
neither be created nor destroyed.
Status
This is a devolving standard. With each revision it becomes more
convoluted and confusing.
Scope
Objections, protections and retrospections apply to the following
comedy products:
- Episodes of the Forbidden Zone (except this one)
- Directline memos
- Development schedules produced prior to the design phase
for both velopment and development.
Policy
It is recommended that anyone reading this standard verify that
their life and health insurance premiums are paid up.
Notes
Take notes. There will be a test later.
Reviews Versus Convections, Intellections and Injections
Reviews, such as the New York Times Review of Books, are
magazines which cover a subject in a very broad manner.
Employees are free to subscribe to as many reviews as they wish
prior to obtaining a Clean compilation. (The Clean compiler is
available from Harry Clean, Inc. for a nominal fee.)
An issue meeting is a meeting whose purpose is to attempt to
surface issues, then bury them deeper so that they won't surface
again. These may be held, but must be kept secret.
A pre-inspection meeting may be held before the product is
written, in which the producer describes what the document would
look like, how long it would be, what color ink and so forth.
Since these meetings are totally useless, it is expected that
they will be held often.
Detractions, infractions and impactions by a team of at least 9
detractors, infractors and impactors are required to be held no
later than the end of Component Test or the beginning of the
Design Phase, whichever comes first. For extremely lengthy
meetings, an 18-person team is used, operating under normal
tag-team rules. This requirement is waived if Component Test and
the subsequent design effort do not take place until after
product shipment.
Technical audits continue to be required, however they will now
be performed by trained I.R.S. auditors who will be empowered to
impose fines and jail terms of up to 20 years. (These extreme
penalties will only be imposed for such offenses as writing
uncommented assembly language and use of the COBOL Alter
statement.)
In order to formalize the process, employees are not allowed to
talk to one another except in the course of the above process
meetings.
2 Objectives, Subjectives, Objections, Subjections, Roles, Rules
and Procedures
Objectives
The immediate objective of a dejection, protection and
genuflection is to remove the true portions ("de facts") from the
comedy product without removing what little humor there is.
The long term subjective is to get the thing finished and sent so
that real work can be done.
The Objection Team
There are 9 key roles related to holding a compaction.
1. The Producer is the person responsible for creating the comedy
product. The Producer may not also be the Catcher or Shortstop,
but may play Goalie or take an occasional free throw.
2. The Director is the person who directed the producer to do
what he or she did. The Director may not also be the Inquisitor,
although he may help heat up the hot irons. An extinction may be
held without the Director present if he doesn't mind the fact
that the Producer will try to blame him for everything.
3. The Moderator is responsible for making sure that the team is
all in place before the doors are locked, and for preventing
lynchings and other mob actions.
4. The Catcher is responsible for making sure no one gets out of
the room alive until the meeting is finished. Not even to go to
the bathroom.
5. The Reader is responsible for reading the thing being
introspected in a droning monotone.
6. The Recorder is responsible for taking notes.
7. The Decoder is responsible for reading the notes.
8. The Discorder is responsible for destroying the notes after
they've been read, so as not to leave a paper trail of the
meeting. Optimally, it should be impossible to prove that the
meeting ever took place.
9. The Inspector is responsible for behaving as much as possible
like Inspector Clouseau as played by Peter Sellers: speaking in a
bad French accent, knocking things over, accidentally setting
fire to important documents and generally disrupting the meeting.
10.The Domino's Pizza Delivery Person, while not strictly a team
member, will often be critical to the success of the meeting.
The minimum team consists of 2 people, the Recorder and
Discorder. This requires picking up the pizza ahead of time,
however.
Planning
See Appendix F for definition.
Preparation
The key point of preparation is to ensure that the team arrives
at the meeting place on time. If members arrive late, it is very
difficult to let them in without (1) allowing other team members
to escape and (2) divulging the true nature of the meeting,
causing them to flee. It is generally advisable to lead team
members to believe they are attending a completely different
function, for example a surprise party.
Meeting
No one knows what goes on in these meetings. If the Discorders
do their jobs properly, no one ever will.
After the Meeting
Survivors should be kept under medical observation for 48 hours.
Resource Guidelines
A reaction, restriction and eviction will normally cover
approximately 20,000,000 words per hour. Note that a picture is
worth a thousand words -- two thousand if it is colored neatly
(staying within the lines) in crayon.
Schedule meetings to be no more than 48 hours long. 36 is
preferred.
SAMPLE REFRACTION AND TRACTION DEFECT SUMMARY
Comedy Product: Zone 105
Release: NO
Refraction and Action Type: No Progress Review
Major Defects Type
The author Screws Missing
Minor Defects
The jokes and the premise Not Funny
[Other potential defect types: Incomprehensible, Too True,
Obscure]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?