berry@idi.UUCP (Berry Kercheval) (02/10/91)
Yet more collected Iraqi War jokes.....
==============================
From: berry@idi.UUCP (Berry Kercheval)
I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune:
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive.
--berry
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Subject: Quality Assurance - Iraqi Style
From: jld@iwtgo.att.com
General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report
that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and
Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added:
"He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program."
Jeff David
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Subject: A frightening analogy
From: jtk@s1.gov (utumno)
Seen on a protester's sign in San Francisco this past Saturday (1/26):
Following
George Bush
into a war
is like following
Neil Bush
into a Savings and Loan
-- Jordin Kare
==============================
From: forrette@cory.berkeley.edu (Steve Forrette)
Subject: Anti-war protesters
Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests? Some look quite
like a freak show... Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home"?
Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots.
(Original joke by Tom Miller)
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Subject: Not an idle threat
From: dodson@mozart.convex.com (Dave Dodson)
News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American
lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!
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Dave Dodson dodson@convex.COM
Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas (214) 497-4234
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Subject: War Humor: The Magic Kingdom (Saudi?)
From: @scivax.stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
"We validated the physical principle that water
runs downhill."
-- Marine Lt. Col. Jay Vesely
on digging a foxhole in the rain.
==============================
Subject: War Humor: Fighter Pilot Mystique
From: @scivax.stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
"We put on our pants the same way as everybody
else. It's just that ours have shirts attached."
-- A US Navy fighter pilot on the mystique
of his job.
==============================
From: raghavan@fred.nas.nasa.gov (Venkatraman Raghavan)
Paraphrased from Time magazine, dated 2-4-91, without permission:
It is reported (in a certain Kuwaiti newspaper-in-exile
currently published from Saudi Arabia) that Saddam Hussein
has employed 50 astrologers to help him in planning the war.
Well, it worked for Ronald Reagan, didn't it?
--
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(not for posting)
P.S.: Thanks fo cheering up my mornings.
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Subject: Saddam Hussein
From: berry@idi.UUCP (Berry Kercheval)
The missle attacks on Israel and Saudi Arabia are the results of a
misunderstanding, Baghdad Radio announced today. The crews manning
the launchers thought Hussein said to launch the attack.
Saddam says "No, I said 'Scud Light'".
--berry
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Subject: UNIX joke.
From: james@corniceii.hisoft.infocomm.com (James B. Armstrong)
Brad,
Greetings. You probably remember me, I used to be nyssa@terminus. Anyway,
I'm at yet another new job (DHL did not work out, they were a sweat shop,
and I'm not the type to last at a sweatshop!) that does not have net.access.
I hope I remember the correct address for topical submissions.
Anyway, here it is:
The War in the Persian Gulf gives the opportunity for the first true
UNIX holiday. In the tradition of VE Day (May 7, 1945) and VJ Day (September
2, 1945), if the Allies beat Iraq, there will be a VI Day.
Cheers,
James Armstrong
james@hisoft.infocomm.com
==============================
Subject: Gen. Schwartzkopf an Imposter?
From: jbtubman@arcsun.arc.ab.ca (Jim Tubman)
Has anyone else ever noticed the startling resemblance between
U.S. General Norman Schwartzkopf and comedian Jonathan Winters?
Have they ever been seen together?
--Jim Tubman
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Subject: Music for Our Boys: Doris Day and the Persian Gulf War
From: @scivax.stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
This is original to me, and started as a response to an
Oracle Question.
If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in
_The_Man_Who_Knew_Too_Much_, you should really make
an effort. Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her
kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up.
Here's the new version, updated for current events:
When I was just a little boy
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be handsome,
will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me:
Hey Saddam, Saddam,
Whatever will be will be
But you're messing with Mean Marines,
Hey Saddam, Saddam.
When I was just a boy in school
I asked my teacher, what should I try?
Should I try gassing,
or making bombs?
Here was her wise reply:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I grew up and joined the war,
I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave?
Will I kick asses,
will I take names?
Here's what he screamed and raved:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
When I sent troops into Kuwait ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The 19th Province
I asked my Generals, how will we do?
How long 'till victory
is in our hands?
These words they spoke were true:
Hey Saddam, Saddam....
Now I have armies of my own
They ask their leader will we survive?
Down in the bunkers,
Where the bombs fall,
They know I'm still alive!
Hey Saddam, Saddam,
I guess that we'll all know soon,
'Cause Norm has a plan for doom!
Hey Saddam, Saddam
What will be, will be.
==============================
Subject: Saddam and Lisa
From: hbuck@biostats.hmc.psu.edu (Harold Buck)
I heard this one from a friend:
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Lisa Olson have in common?
A: They've both been faced with Patriot missiles
-Harold Buck
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Subject: Smart Weapons
From: gscott@portia.stanford.edu
(This is original.)
Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart
weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office
to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the
main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching
the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct
password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before
detonating.
The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different
concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to
the designer, "You want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No,
no, no. Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of
introduction, 'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or
words to that effect. I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a
half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well,
it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance staff.
I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology.
If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could
reach an amicable agreement.'"
I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons
might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong flavor
of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an
Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe."
There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.
For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make
weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more
complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness
of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
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