funny-request@looking.on.ca (Funny Guy) (02/26/91)
Yup, here it is, yet another digest of jokes about the war. And more
come in every day. The best are going out as individual postings, but
there are many here that you'll probably like. Be warned, that these
are likely to contain sick themes and national stereotypes of all sorts
related to the war. -- B.T.
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Subject: Telephone box jokes, topical
From: Michael.Marsden@newcastle.ac.uk (Michael Marsden)
Hi,
These are some jokes I posted to alt.tasteless a while ago. I was
reminded of them by the matchbox joke that arrived here today. If you
don't know what a telephone box is, just think "matchbox".
All but the first are original.
* Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight
* = not original, but I can't remember who the originator was, sorry.
Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it
Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq
Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved
Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it
Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado
Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there
Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Penton-ville Prison
Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it
Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's the American Embassy
Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest
Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming
Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah
Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers
Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's in Baghdad
Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories
Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box?
A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box...
Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box?
A: Make the other 70 homeless
-Enjoy
Mike Mars
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Subject: SADDAM'S DOCTORS
From: SBROWN@kentvm.kent.edu (Steven R. Brown)
Attributed to Jay Leno, in this evening's paper:
It's amazing how well prepared Saddam Hussein is. In his bunker with
him he has a heart surgeon in case something happens to his heart, a
podiatrist in case something happens to his feet, and a proctologist
in case something happens to his brain.
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Subject: Hottest Movie in IRAQ
From: rahul@cblph.UUCP (Rahul Jindal +1 614 860 4249)
Which is the hottest movie in IRAQ?
Honey I SCUD the YIDs!!
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Subject: Cleared by U.S. Military
From: dlarson@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com (Dale Larson)
While watching the Superbowl half-time show, I saw video depicting tanks
traveling across sand dunes with titles saying "cleared by U.S. military."
My immediate reaction was say that the area used to be filled with urban
sprawl and that our military had really been effective in leveling it all.
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From: rabin@noao.edu
Subject: boys and girls
No more supporting "our boys in the field." Even unreconstructed
generals now refer to "our fighting men and women." To paraphrase
NPR's Cokie Roberts, it won't be the first time it took a woman to
make a boy into a man.
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Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
From: aladdin@milton.u.washington.edu (Local Violator)
Subject: Re: maybe yes, maybe no
Here's a variation on a recent joke:
Q. What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?
A. We've bombed the shit out of all of 'em!!
(No Offense.....) :D
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From: ferrick@acsu.buffalo.edu (patrick k ferrick)
Subject: Elevator Joke, sort of
Here's another possible entry in "The Militant Ex-Smoker's Handbook"
I saw this sign in an elevator recently:
--------------------------
Smoking in This Elevator
Prohibited by Ordnance
--------------------------
Pretty gonzo, I'd say!
Maybe a local company is testing it on behalf of an Iraqi firm !!!
Pat Ferrick
(ferrick@acsu.buffalo.edu)
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Subject: Frozen oil prices
From: niccum@cs.umn.edu (Thomas M. Niccum)
Last night CNN reported that four major oil companies have promised
to freeze oil prices during operation "Desert Storm".
I suppose that they'll keep this policy in effect no matter how
low the price of oil drops.
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From: U14780@uicvm.UUCP (John R. Andrews)
Subject: Word Play in the Gulf (topical,original)
SADDAM HUSSEIN is just an amagram for HIDE US, DAMN ASS.
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From: kjp@ecn.purdue.edu (Kevin J Podsiadlik)
Subject: How to scare Saddam Hussein
One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein:
Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the
Union address:
"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."
Kevin Podsiadlik
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From: rodmur@ecst.csuchico.edu (D.A. Harris)
Subject: Quote from the Iraqi invasion
Most memorable quote of the War:
"He asked for it, he got it, it just happened not to be a Toyota", said
Prince Fahid of Saudi Arabia, of Saddam Hussein, during an interveiw with NBC's
Arthur Kent in Dhahran approximatly 12 hours after the first invasion of Iraq
by Allied forces.
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Subject: Iraq vs. Canada
I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the
Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.
--
a1040%mindlink@van-bc.uucp
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Subject: Camels
From: wiggins@osiris.cso.uiuc.edu (EN Div, USA-CECER, 217-352-6511 x 444)
Camels are so mean spirited because they retain water every single day.
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From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bob Church)
Considering the luck Husseins been having with his Scud missiles and
anti-aircraft guns lately I'd bet he can't use the bathroom without
getting his shoes wet.
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From: flak@mcgp1.UUCP (Dan Flak)
Subject: Saddam Hussein holding back
According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has
committed "only a fraction of his forces". (In other words, he's
committing only those forces that are still operational).
Not mine, my 17 year old son's.
--
Dan Flak - McCaw Cellular Communications Inc., 201 Elliot Ave W.,
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From: stuart@ihlpa.att.com
Subject: Saddam's Communication System...
During the first press conference with Secretary Cheney
and General Powell, one reporter asked how Saddam Hussein
could communicate with the United States in the event that
he would want to negotiate. The general completely avoided
the question.
However, recent reports indicate a weak signal eminating from
central Iraq. Analysts are confirming that the voice is that
of Saddam Hussein. Roughly translated, the message reads
"I'VE FALLEN... AND I CAN'T GET UP!!"
My original, with apologies to Jay Leno.
Stuart Ericson AT&T Bell Laboratories
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From: jn09+@andrew.cmu.edu (J. Peter Neergaard)
Subject: What to do with Iraq
The world faces a couple of problems...
What should the US do with Iraq after the war?
Saddam is very interested in linkage to Palestine...
The Palestinians have been looking for a homeland...
The clear solution would seem to be, the creation of the new Palestinian
Homeland... Iraqestine.
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From: herlihy@crl.dec.com
Subject: Patriot missles, original, topical
Q: What does one Raytheon engineer say to another?
A: How about them Patriots?
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From: donnam@palomar.sandiego.ncr.com (Donna Mitchell)
Subject: Mrs. Saddam
From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991:
What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why
she's leaving the country?
a) "We're having some remodeling done."
b) "The exterminators are coming."
c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."
d) All of the above.
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From: tjfs@tadtec.UUCP (Tim Steele)
Subject: Week Ending joke
From the British satirical radio show "Week Ending":
Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we
do?"
Bush: "Send in Colin Powell"
Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"
Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!"
Powell: "Sir!"
Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on
Wednesday night?"
Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city
razed to the ground, Sir!"
Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon!
Give it to me in words I can understand."
Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral
upheaval, Sir!"
Bush: "That bad?!"
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Subject: standard Iraqi bidding
From: scott%ferrari.labs.tek.com@relay.cs.net
An original:
At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard
American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new
bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened
the bidding, they threw rocks at the next table.
--
Scott Huddleston
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From: eeg@frame.com (Eric Griswold)
Subject: The British and the war
(This is original)
I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the
Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to
say the word "scud".
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From: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu (Doug Krause)
Subject: Iraqi Career Moves
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Douglas Krause
University of California, Irvine Internet: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu
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From: dhansen@amiganet.UUCP (Dave Hansen)
Subject: Jokes
Heard on SNL 1/19/91:
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
NONE. They can't turn them on anyway.
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From: slo@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Steve Loughran)
Subject: Iraq vs. France
So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?
The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable
evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace.
-Steve
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From: ken@wyse.com (Ken Drottar x2582 dept303)
Subject: war in the gulf
Bill Mandel, in the 1/20/91 San Francisco Examiner & Chronicle describes
the gulf war as 'War Lite, high in accomplishments with two-thirds fewer
casualties than our regular war'.
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From: link@ssl.berkeley.edu (Richard Link)
Subject: Armageddon
Heard this one on Paul Harvey's syndicated radio show yesterday.
He claims it's true.
There is a rabbi in Israel, very concerned about the Iraq war and Scud
missile attacks, who believes that this is finally Armageddon.
However, he tells his congregation, that being a pragmatist he is going
to ask the Lord when he finally arrives:
"Is this your first or your second visit"?
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From: bhhardy@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Barbara Helen Hardy)
Subject: funny gulf quotes from CNN folks
I SWEAR I heard these:
"You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter."
"We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous
people out there, or maybe some journalists...."
Taking censorship too far:
"According to the military, the weather has cleared...."
Source: CNN, various days, various correspondants.
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From: mears@hpinddf.cup.hp.com
Subject: The Master Iraqi Groundhog
[I thought this up myself, with a little prodding from a coworker]
As many people should now be aware, Saddam Hussein has a very well
fortified and protected bunker underground beneath his palace in
Baghdad. Rumor has it that Baghdad radio has reported that Saddam
recently stuck his head outside, saw his shadow, and decided there
will six more months of war.
David B. Mears
Hewlett-Packard
Cupertino CA
hplabs!hpda!mears
mears@hpinddf.cup.hp.com
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From: mcb@hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Michael Berry)
Subject: Training Iraqui Pilots is Easier...
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqui fighter pilots?
...you only have to teach them to take off.
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From: evans@decvax.dec.com
Subject: Super Bowl Joke
[ source unknown ]
U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early
as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a
SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl.
He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots.
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From: PSWUENSC@ecuvm1.UUCP (Karl L. Wuensch)
Subject: German joke, want ad from S. Hussein, reply from G. Bush
This was distributed over the German jokes network. I added a
translation of the German and deleted header lines that did not
contribute to the joke or to credits.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> From: bush@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush)
>>> Newsgroups: sub.jokes
>>> Subject: Re: Suche Atomsprengkopf
>>> Summary: You can have it if you really want it :-)
>>> Date: 25 Jan 91 23:31:44 GMT
>>> Reply-To: bush@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush)
>>> Organization: Government of the USA
>>> In article <3322@irak.gulf.mil> hussein@irak.gulf.mil (S. Hussein) writes:
>
>Suche funktionstuechtigen Atomsprengkopf (Traegersystem noch vorhanden).
>Zahle jeden Preis.
English translation by K. Wuensch ==> I seek fully functional atomic
warheads (delivery system already on hand). Will pay any price.
==> do notice the return address, "hussein@irak.gulf.mil"
-------------------- reply from bush@usa.whitehouse.mil -----------------
No problem, you can have several of them including carrier rockets. The only
thing you have to do is to use just one chemical weapon against the US. >>>:-]
Bomb ya,
--
President Bush - bush@usa.whitehouse.mil
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From: sef@kithrup.com (Sean Eric Fagan)
Subject: hussein limerick
There once was a man from Baghdad
Who suddenly made us all mad;
He fired a SCUD,
Which fell into mud,
And declared it Islamic Jihad.
Found on a white-wall at work
Organization: Drew University
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From: apacchia@drew.edu
Picture a comic strip type joke:
1st picture: George Bush holds an egg...."Saddam, this is your brain."
2nd picture:Puts egg in pan...."This is your brain on drugs."
3rd picture: Adds bacon...."This is your brain with a side order of
bacon."
4th picture: Holds Uzi over pan..."This is your brain if you don't get
out of Kuwait."
5th picture: _______
/|||||||\
||{ }|||______
||{___}|||______|
\|||||||/
ANY QUESTIONS????
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From: guttman@mashie.ece.jhu.edu (Mike Guttman)
Subject: New unit for measurement of oil spills
Thought of in a recent blab session:
The size of oil spills should be measured in units of Valdez. The
latest I heard was that we have about a "15 Valdez" or "15 Vz" slick
in the Persian Gulf.
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From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: topical original 1-liner Baghdad
Q. Why is Saddam Hussein unable to make a withdrawal?
A. Because all the cashpoints in Baghdad have been bombed.
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From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: A gracious synonym for bullshit
Scene: Daily military press briefing in Saudi Arabia by
Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, Jan. 30, 1991, 12:00 CST
When asked by a reporter about a dubious newspaper article,
Gen. Schwarzkopf replied that the story fell into the
category of "bovine scatology."
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From: straz@media-lab.media.mit.edu (Steve Strassmann)
Subject: Israeli retaliation
Israel has begun its retaliation against Iraq:
it's filed 10,000 lawsuits.
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From: tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (good, Conan - good)
Organization: Convex Computer Corporation - Los Angeles, California
Subject: Saddamn Joke
...Have you noticed that Saddamn Hussein showed up at
EXACTLY the same time that Salmon Rushdie disappeared?
(pass it on to the Ayatolla)
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From: dam@cs.glasgow.ac.uk (David Morning)
Organization: Computing Sci, Glasgow Univ, Scotland
Subject: Re: Iraqi computers and networks
jdeitch@umiami.ir.miami.edu (Jonathan Deitch) writes:
>does anyone know if Bagdad University or another Iraqi university
>is still active on a network with an international reach?
Try saddam@bunker.rubble.bagdahd.iq
But don't blame me if the network is unreachable.
Dave
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From: IEIE136@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu (Rajul Tank)
Another Saddam Joke
Q. What is common between Saddam and Dukakis
A. They both couldn't believe they were loosing to Bush
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From: HANK@vm.biu.ac.il (Hank Nussbacher)
Subject: Answering machine message
This is the current message I have on my machine:
"I am currently under missile attack and cannot come to the phone right
now. If you leave your name and message I will hopefully be able to get
back to you in the near future."
Hank Nussbacher
Israel
P.S. To try from USA dial: 972-52-920165
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From: CCEB001@utxvm.UUCP
Subject: Actual Product
Packaged in a camoflage patterned box and offered for sale
by a local merchant.
Desert Shield Condoms:
For those who want
a piece in the
Middle East.
Thanks,
-- Mike Coyne
Coyne@utxvm.bitnet
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From: hench@gauss.ece.ucsb.edu (John Hench)
Subject: RE: Wolf Blitzer
Brad,
I asked an Austrian friend what the Blitzer in Wolf Blitzer meant, and
he told me it meant "Flasher". He went on to explain some of the other names
of the CNN crew:
Bierbauer - Beer Farmer
Scherzer - Joker
Begleiter - Accompianist
I thought that this might interest the author of joke number 2190
who likes the inherent humor of the name "Wolf Blitzer", becuase it seems
that there are quite a few other cute ones as well....
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From: cos@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu (Ofer Inbar)
Subject: Ground War Day
From Saturday Night Live:
February second was Ground War Day. Saddam Hussein came up out of his
bunker, and saw his shadow. This probably means six more weeks of
Iraqis getting stomped on.
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From: octela!octelc!dan@decwrl.UUCP (Dan Agar)
Subject: Iraq's strategic installations
Yet another Iraq joke, told by a friend of my father's in Oakland ( I
haven't seen it posted anywhere, but I don't read the newsgroups too
regularly ) :
Reports from Baghdad indicate that allied bombing raids recently
destroyed one of the most important buildings in Iraq; the 7-Eleven
Training Center.
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From: kevin@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com (Kevin Klop)
Subject: Smart Weapons
I can't quite call anything that drops off a plane traveling several hundred
miles an hour and few thousand feet in the air to dive nose first into a
concrete wall just to explode "smart".
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Subject: Iraqi Bingo
From: bryan@cs.unr.edu (Bryan Wolf)
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52...F-16...B-52
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Subject: Saddam Hussein, Bush and Mitterand in a bar...
From: jack@cwi.nl
George Bush, Francois Mitterand and Saddam Hussein are sitting in
a bar, drinking and bragging.
GB: If I stand on the Statue of Liberty I can see all of New York
below me.
FM: No big deal. If I stand on the Eiffel tower I can see all of
Paris below me as well.
SH: So what? If I stand on my chair I can also see all of Baghdad
below me...
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Subject: Iraqi Humor...
From: bateman@nsslsun.gcn.uoknor.edu (Monte Bateman)
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....
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Subject: The Weather in Kuwait
From: fullmer@owlnet.rice.edu (Rob F)
A quote from the Wall Street Journal, 1/25/91
"As the first days of the war passed, the computer underground's
particular brand of humor, always a bit warped, has taken a newly morbid
tone. An oil-worker in Khahran posted this weather forecast on Last
Outpost (BBS):
`Baghdad will be bright and sunny, with lows in the mid-40s and highs
in the upper 10,000s. Winds will be from the south, southeast, and
southwest at 1,500-1,800 knots. Sunscreen 300 is recommended. Chances
of precipitation of molten objects are 90-99%'"
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Subject: Competitive Advertising
From: scott@scam.berkeley.edu (Scott Silvey)
The Iraqi Air Force: We fly more international flights out of Baghdad than any
other carrier in the world.
Recently the US Air Force slogan has been changed to "Aim Low".
US Air over-night delivery service:
When you absolutely need to get it there over-night ... we GUARANTEE delivery
before 4:30 in the morning. The US Air Force, we run the most dangerous ship
in the shipping business.
The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an extended middle-east vacation cruise.
(These are originals)
__
Scott Silvey scott@xcf.berkeley.edu
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Subject: "NEVER underestimate your enemy ..."
From: scott@scam.berkeley.edu (Scott Silvey)
Despite the negative media coverage, the Iraqi ground forces are actually
performing their task with alarming success. Clearly, they're first objective
in the campaign is to destroy the massive coalition stockpiles of conventional
weapons.
Original.
__
Scott Silvey scott@xcf.berkeley.edu
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Subject: War games
From: parmet@cs.cornell.edu (Marc Parmet)
From a radio show:
How do you break up an Iraqi bingo game?
Call out B-52!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
If you mail to original@looking.on.ca, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.