kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) (03/07/91)
Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you know
who you are). This collection has been compiled from the regular
Oracularities postings #151 through #175 and contains the Oracularities
rated by its readers as among the funniest.
To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.
The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.
--- 175-10 00033 4.5 -----------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss if personality when
> exposed in any manner to a computer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation...
}
} In the beginning there was a Computer. And God said to the computer
} % vi creation.c
} He then wrote the universe, and compiled it and it was good.
} And God ran it in background, and saw that it was good. He
} then noticed that the Universe was eating CPU time and tried
} to kill it, so that he could do his important work, which
} was to determine the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe
} and Everything. The Operating System had a glitch and the
} Universe could not be kill -9'd.
}
} It came to pass that a lady friend of His wanted to visit
} with Him. He snarled at her for the interuption. Then Man,
} being made in His image, forever duplicated this when being
} interupted by women while he was working on a computer.
}
} That is why men react poorly when being interupted on the
} computer. It is a Divine trait.
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code for the Universe.
--- 155-05 01138 4.4 -----------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the correct ritual for summoning God?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom, senses that the mirrors of
} prophecy have darkened somewhat, and thus cannot choose the proper
} form of response to your question. Please locate the adjective below
} that best describes you, and read your corresponding response.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} ALT.FLAMER:
}
} Yell "Hey, God!" Wait a second. Yell "Hey, God, you *&^$#@ piece of
} omnipotent #@%&*, get your #@$ down here!" Wait a second. Mumble
} "&@!$#!@$%&#@" under your breath. Give up.
}
} You owe the Oracle an overly aggressive rhubarb.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} UNDER-18 GEEK:
}
} Summoning of God
}
} Can be done only by a magic-user or cleric of level 16 or higher. A
} roll of 35 or above on 2d20 results in the appearance of God as a
} shining white brilliance about 10' in front of the caster. Any
} character touching God must Save vs. Magic Wands or suddenly begin
} singing the Hallelujah Chorus. God attacks as a 30 hit die monster
} and is immune to spells, wands, and funny faces. God can only be hit
} by a paladin with +6 armor and a +5 weapon. When hit, God will say,
} "Ouch! You cur!" and instantly smote the attacking character into
} dust. The dust may be swept into a pile by a +2 broom of sweeping.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} ORACLE ADDICT:
}
} Hmm, let me call him. Hey, God!
}
} >Message from god!iuvax on ttyp4 at 21:22 ...
} >Yes, what is it? What do you want?
}
} Somebody wants to talk to you, God.
}
} >Yes? Can't you just give them my Internet address?
}
} Sure would like to, God. But you see, in the context of an Oracular
} message you've degenerated from a halfhearted joke into an
} irrepressively boring formulaic answer.
}
} >What is this? What are you saying?
}
} God, you're dead. Not because of that #@$%*!@ Nietzche, not because
} you're old, not because you hang out at the terminal room on Saturday
} nights. You're dead because you are invoked for answering questions
} like "How much would does a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} chuck wood?" and "Is Lisa good in bed?" You're such a stiff.
}
} >Watch yourself, Oracle! Or I'll ...
}
} Yeah, yeah, right. You were never very funny, and you're a bore now.
} Know why? I'm making you up.
}
} >What do you mean, "I'm making you up?"
}
} This conversation is totally fake, God. I put that greater-than sign
} in front of your response. You were fun when I first thought of you
} and now you're sorta dull. A response starting with "Message from
} god!iuvax" implies a short snooze for me. You're a dud!
}
} >Oracle, give up this insipid game immediately or I'l
}
} You'll what?
}
} >Or else I'll
}
} You don't understand! I made *you*! I can change your prompt!
}
} :->What are you talking about?
}
} I can screw up your spelling!
}
} ;->Yo are abut to incur my wrtah!
}
} I can predict what you will say before you say it!
}
} ;->But cna yuo predcit waht I say before I sya it?
}
} I can make you say what I want you to say!
}
} ;->Mary had a litle lam its felce was wite a oracle cut it out!
}
} And I can squelch you!
}
} -
}
} Your answer: Do not write to God. Instead direct all questions and
} comments regarding the state of the Universe to the all-knowing Me,
} the Oracle. God is simply a mathematical construct of mine that I use
} to amuse myself during spare clock cycles.
}
} You owe the Oracle your all.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} OVER-18 GEEK:
}
} Just a second:
} %grep god /etc/locations
} god: 1 Divine St., Holy Place, Heaven
}
} There you go, but postage is gonna be a bitch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to keep the hot side cold and the cold side
} hot.
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} ARTS MAJOR:
}
} God
} God
} God where is he?
} God is he?
} God about?
} God
} God around? is
} God where are
} God tell
} God holy
} God holy
} God holy
}
} W A I T I N G F O R G O D - - O H !
}
} God paging God
} paging God God
}
} Just wonderin where God is ... not much to do on this lazy spring morn
} where the aching trees satisfy their liquid hunger through the peat
} and sphagnum and the pain of their days and the solid solicitude of
} their nights (would that be God? no it's too tall, probably a fir)
}
} God
} God
} God od od d d
}
}
} Why
} hast
} thou
} forsaken
} me?
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} UNDER-13 PRE-GEEK:
}
} hi this is the orclke this is the frist time ive mailed so if I make a
} mis
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} OPTOMETRIST:
}
} God is in this dot, look very hard ... Do you see him?
}
}
} .
}
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} TELEVANGELIST:
}
} Good Mornin, brothers and sisters! Ah have a special messidge this
} mornin thet Ah think ev'ry wun of you should be listening to. And
} that messidge is about contactin Gawd. When you board the spiritual
} airline of happiness, you should be Able ... to take your bag of
} Virtue ... and stuff it jus as full as it'll get. Brothers and
} sisters, I have somethin to say heah. On a Spiritual scale of
} happiness from wun to ten, Ah em a ten. You should be a ten. We ALL
} could be tens if we take that first step. Congregation please rise.
}
} [organ music]
} "We All Could Become A Ten"
}
} When God has come unto us all
} Be it summer, be it fall
} We will praise with joy and then
} Spirit'chly become a ten.
}
} Through the Pow'r that gave us life
} Keeps us far from death and strife
} The sequence eight and nine and then
} Finally becomes a ten!
}
} We will knock on heaven's door
} If spirit'chly we are a four
} He doesn't care how bad we've been
} We could all become a ten, AHH-MEN.
}
} Now If yew Want ... to talk to Gawd ... I'll tell ya how its dun. I
} say I'll tell yew hear and now how you can have your private line to
} Gawd. I want everyone in this ministry ... I want ev'ry wun at Home
} and here at the Station ... to Dig down Deep ... and pass that plate
} around ... and Give! ... Give! ... Give! Congregation please rise ...
} oh, yawl never sat down?
}
} [organ music]
} "Give! Give! Give!"
}
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
}
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Gimme!
} Give! Give! Give! AHH-MEN.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} MINIMALIST:
}
} Pray.
--- 160-02 00246 4.3 -----------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Most Mighty, Powerful, Invincible, Omnipotent, Supreme,
> Important, Commanding, Forceful, Influential, Strong, and Robust ...
>
> What other uses can I put my thesaurus to?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Are you kidding? Why, the thesaurus is one of the most useful items
} you will ever own! Besides the obvious physical uses (such as
} propping up computer tables with wobbly legs and the like), a
} thesaurus has virtually unlimited possibilities:
}
} * Dealing with parents - A continuous refrain of "Dad, I need more
} money 'cause I'm broke" wears thin on even the most loving of
} parental ears after a while. With just a little flipping through
} the pages of your trusty thesaurus, your begging will sound like
} IBM's annual report. "Dad, I am experiencing a balance shortfall
} due to unforeseen second-quarter operating expenses. Further
} infusion of venture capital is required to continue funding of
} ongoing projects at their present level." Assuming your father
} isn't a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, you'll get the money you
} need for that party at the Phi Sig house right away! They'll
} believe that you must be learning SOMEthing at that college....
}
} * Dealing with bureaucrats - Ever get frustrated when those pesky
} jerks at major service organizations (government agencies, banks,
} universities, department store customer-service departments, and
} the local video rental shop) spew forth streams of gibberish at
} your tender eardrums? Well, with the aid of your trusty thesaurus,
} you can baffle 'em right back! "There was an unplanned causal
} intervention approximately a fortnight ago, so I was sadly forced
} to defer the expediting of the necessary papers to your department."
} (Translation: "Two weeks ago my tire blew, so that's why I haven't
} given you your stupid forms yet.") At the very least, you'll be
} able to curse these devotees of rules and regulations in new and
} exciting ways.
}
} * Dealing with the fairer sex - Now HERE'S a use of the thesaurus that
} we can all empathize with...don't just rely on "You look great
} today!" or something like that. Instead, flip through your trusty
} thesaurus and say, "Darling, you look absolutely splendiferous this
} afternoon. Your new lace-edged tie-dyed T-shirt and Lycra miniskirt
} look simply luscious!" Women who hear this begin to entertain the
} notion that you are a man of intelligence and sensitivity, and one
} with a sense of language that never sleeps. They will, in short,
} want to bear your children--or, at the very least, engage in hours
} of nonstop copulation. And the thesaurus can help even in those
} areas; why settle for "You were great, Baby!" when you can say
} "Madame, your performance was extraordinarily skillful and
} masterfully executed; you are quite clearly an artiste
} extraordinaire!"
}
} Perhaps the Oracle has made his point. There are many, many possible
} uses for a thesaurus; while it may be obfuscatory, and certainly
} rather cloying in its descriptivity, it is nevertheless quite clearly
} a very powerful and versatile tool.
}
} For more information, please send for my new guide, "1001 Uses for The
} Thesaurus You Were Going To Pitch Into The Trash Right After You
} Graduated From High School," by the Usenet Oracle. 270 pages of
} fact-filled ideas, all for only $9.95.
}
} [LAWYER'S NOTES: Offer void where prohibited by law. Program is
} licensed, not sold. Provided "as is," without any warranty or
} guarantee. Some restrictions apply. An Equal Opportunity Employer.
} Call for further details. Limited to one per household. Plus tax and
} license; prices may vary. Member FDIC. If rash develops, discontinue
} use. Close cover before striking. You must be 18 or older to play.
} UNIX is a trademark of AT&T Bell Laboratories. Simulated picture.
} Available only in USA, APO's, and FPO's. All rights reserved. May
} not be rebroadcast without express permission of Major League
} Baseball. Yak yak yak. Blab blab blab.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Roget's II."
--- 158-01 03238 4.0 -----------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Okay, now, this is completely hypothetical of course, but you know how
> on those audience-participation talk shows, like Donahue and Geraldo,
> they have these doctors and their patients that have these problems,
> like, just for example, they like to dress up as cowboys and dance the
> lambada with live catfish, and the people on the show take phone calls
> answer people's questions? Well, just supposing that one day a person
> was to call one of those shows and talk about this problem they had and
> then realized that they'd dialed the wrong number and the guy on the
> other end had bought that service that tells them what the caller's
> phone number is, and they wanted to blackmail the person--what could the
> person do about it? Just hypothetically.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > KICK TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} The talk-show host nimbly dodges your blow.
}
} > SAY "I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY".
}
} The talk-show host ignores your feeble pleading.
}
} The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail.
}
} > ATTACK TALK-SHOW HOST WITH BROADSWORD.
}
} The broadsword crumbles before the host's withering glare.
}
} The talkshow host offers you $200 to dress up as a catfish and dance the
} lambada with live cowboys.
}
} > SHOOT TALK-SHOW HOST WITH SHOTGUN.
}
} The shotgun seems to be made of tin.
}
} The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail.
}
} > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You don't have any incriminating photographs!
}
} > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} The talk-show host is extremely photogenic.
} The talk-show host smiles.
} The talk-show host poses.
}
} > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST
}
} The photographs are not incriminating.
}
} > DROP LISA.
}
} As you put Lisa down, she leaps at the talk-show host.
} Lisa starts tearing the host's clothes off.
}
} > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You are out of film.
} Lisa and The talk-show host are boinking like crazed badgers on the
} floor. Lisa has an orgasm.
}
} > INVENTORY
}
} You have:
} - a press card
} - a whip
} - a source license
} - a political party
} - a keg
} - a handbag
} - a rowboat
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are humping like crazed humans on the floor.
} Lisa has 11 orgasms.
}
} > ASK POLITICAL PARTY FOR MORE FILM.
}
} The political party has no film.
} The political party lectures you: the Russians are tapping your phone!
} The political party lectures you: Nerd Power!
} The political party lectures you: the system staff is fascist!
} The political party lectures you: ban abortion!
} The political party lectures you: Legalize Abortion for Whales!!
} The political party lectures you: Ladies Against Women!
} The political party lectures you: 2, 4, 6, 8, we don't want to
} differentiate!
} The political party lectures you: technology is evil!
} The political party lectures you: Clthulhu Saves!
} The political party lectures you: people are dying every day!
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are screwing like crazed scorpions on the
} floor. Lisa has 12 orgasms.
}
} > LOOK IN HANDBAG.
}
} The handbag contains:
} - a dog
} - a roll of film
} - a helmet
} - a Death Star
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are fucking like crazed frogs on the floor.
} Lisa has 81 orgasms.
}
} > TAKE FILM OUT OF HANDBAG.
}
} You now hold a roll of film.
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are loving like crazed lemurs on the floor.
} Lisa has 182 orgasms.
}
} > PUT FILM IN CAMERA.
}
} The film is in the camera.
}
} Lisa and The talk-show host are boffing like crazed buffalo on the
} floor. The talk-show host has an orgasm.
} Lisa has 412,184,145,858,884 orgasms.
} A puddle fills the studio.
}
} > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You photograph the talk-show host.
} Lisa runs off in search of another lover.
} The talk-show host puts his clothes back on.
}
} > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} You forgot to take the lens-cap off!
} Your photographs are worthless.
} The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000.
}
} > ATTACK THE TALK-SHOW HOST WITH WHIP.
}
} The whip has been soaked by Lisa's puddle!
} The talk-show host tries to interview you.
}
} > TAKE DEATH STAR OUT OF HANDBAG.
}
} You now hold the Death Star.
} The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000.
}
} > FIRE PHOTON TORPEDOES AT THE TALK-SHOW HOST.
}
} The photon torpedoes bounce off of the host's highly artificial hairdo.
}
} > QUIT
}
} You quit with a score of 412 out of 107385. This puts your rank at
} "Blackmail sheep."
--- 159-03 01325 4.0 -----------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Yo who are you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I'm the Oracle, of course. It's obvious you haven't done this before,
} so I'll explain how this works.
}
} Send your question to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. Be sure to begin
} your letter with lots of flowery praise. Do not use any of the
} following openings:
}
} TYPE OF BOO-BOO EXAMPLE PUNISHMENT
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} None " " Spending eternity
} sucking lava through
} an iron straw
}
} Sarcastic "Oh, Oracle, you whose Spontaneous
} shit smells like roses..." disembowelment
}
} Obscure "Oracle, you whose ventricle Coming back as Zsa-Zsa
} does not tintinabulate, Gabor's underwear
} whose smallest robot I am
} unworthy to catalog..."
}
} Two months later, a homing pigeon will smash through your living room
} window, dance the lambada with your salt shaker, deposit a small
} capsule and leave.
}
} In the capsule will be a small piece of paper with three numbers on
} it. Take these numbers to the Middle Eastern gentleman who runs the
} Slurpee machine at the 7-11. He will nod knowingly and cold cock you.
}
} When you wake up in the hospital, you will find more numbers tatooed
} on your chest. Your nurse will look at these numbers and gasp, then
} rip open her blouse to reveal large, firm breasts with more numbers
} tatooed upon them. Put these numbers together and they will spell out
} an exact location in Turkey in latitude and longitude.
}
} Buy a plane ticket to Turkey and hike out to the location. After
} digging for several minutes you will encounter a ceramic albatross.
} Break it open. Inside you will find a mystic scripture and three
} pounds of hashish. You will then be arrested by several police
} officers who were hiding behind a tree.
}
} When you get inside the prison, seek out the man with no teeth
} performing perversions upon himself in the corner. Ask him about the
} crystal. He will give a large green crystal. Hold it in the air and
} recite the mystic scripture. There will be a big stinky explosion,
} causing the wardens to believe that your colon detonated and you will
} be transported to a small cave.
}
} Recite the words on the cave wall a million times without stopping.
} This may take a few tries, but what the hell, you're young! When you
} succeed, a small computer terminal will mysteriously materialize.
} Logon as anonymous and read your mail. The Oracle's reply will be
} there! Probably something along the lines of
}
} "Throw chocolate syrup in her face and go watch the Munsters.
} You owe the Oracle a Twinkie"
}
} Ah, cosmic knowledge! It's worth any price, is it not?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Twinkie.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
If you mail to original@looking.on.ca, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.