JMGREULICH@miavx1.UUCP (JEFF GREULICH) (10/14/90)
The following message was written by a couple of guys at the University of
Dayton. Unfortunately, they don't have access to News. But it would be a
pity if this wasn't shared with with world. (their permission was given, of
course)
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Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific
questions...All evolving out of the age old question.....
If you're driving at the speed of Light and you turn your headlights
on..What happens?
These were quickly followed by
If you're driving at the speed of light and.....
...Turn your radio on....What station do you get?
...Hit an on coming freight train....
...Stick your head out the window....
...Turn on the windshield washer jets....
...Honk your horn....
...Downshift into first....
These are all facinating (and deeply disturbed) questions. But let
us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin
to unravel these age old mysteries...WHEN SUDDENLY...You are faced with an even
more dreadful question
If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by
an Oakwood Taxi-cop....What kind of fine are you gonna pay???
And believe me you are gonna pay....He ain't gonna buy the line..
"669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph!"
And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you
were going......."Didn't you notice the Blue Shift ,son."
After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found
that the fair city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed limit
So if you were pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would
be charged
$669,599,965 + a $33 court fee = $669,599,998
This does not include such subsequent fines as reckless operation,
not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's face it if you stopped for an Oakwood
cop while doing light speed , you'd have to be drunk. Oakwood is roughly 2
miles across....You'd be out of his jurisiction in 0.00001 Seconds)
A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed. You'd
flip the odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053
seconds. I don't even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at
the current gas prices maybe a ticket isn't your first concern.
But just think....you'll be able to answer all those complicated
questions....Be the first to own a light-speed car.....Honest, it was only
driven on Sundays by a little old lady who had to get to Epsion Indi and back.
--Jason
<SEIFERJC@UDAVXB.OCA.UDAYTON.EDU>
Continuing along the line of Jason's scientific inquiry, what
happens when you are going light speed in reverse and...
...turn on your headlights...
...look in the rear-view mirror...
...just barely avoid a car doing light speed the other direction...
...honk the horn...
...have to parallel park...
...shift into first...
Which also brings up the question...could you get away with looking in the
rear-view mirror, or would you have to turn around?
--BastarMa
<VOGTTIMJ@UDAVXB.OCA.UDAYTON.EDU>
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.bhmjs@marlin.jcu.edu.au (Michael Smithson) (04/19/91)
OK, I've been bitten by the bug. What's interesting to me is not what's going on when your're doing the speed of light, but what could happen as you accelerate TOWARDs the speed of light: ---Is this the world's hardest way to get to own a stretch limo? ---What happens when you turn around to shout at the kids in the back seat and find they've died from old age? ---What kind of havoc could this wreak on the honorable institution of Backseat Driving? ---What happens if you miss a gear-change? ---If your kid tries to climb into the front seat with you? ---If you suddenly realize you forgot to turn the iron off? ---If one (or more) of your passengers tend towards car-sickness? ---If your headrest breaks off? -Mike Smithson School of Behavioural Sciences, James Cook University, Queensland 4811 Australia; bhmjs@marlin.jcu.edu.au -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the joke about XXX?" Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be a joke server I would spend all day doing it. I reject all such requests.