elston%tems.decnet@edwards-tems.af.mil (TEMS::ELSTON) (05/25/91)
The recent submission of "How to program in C" left out some very important
rules.
I have come up with the following list of additional rules in order to give the
serious student some aid and the professional a refresher.
How to program in 'C' - addendum
--------------------------------
1] Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure names.
2] Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library packages so that
you never have to move from the platform you love so well.
3] Use very descriptive comments like
/* printf("Hello world\n"); */
before each function call
4] REMEMBER - Carriage returns are for weenies.
- tabs are for those who have not reached weenie-dom yet.
5] Include *LOTS* of inline assembly code.
6] "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users" have no business interfacing with
a professional product like yours.
7] If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then borrow comments
from somebody else's code and sprinkle them throughout yours. It's quick,
easy, and fun to watch people's expressions as they try to figure it out.
8] Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible in terms of
already defined symbols. This is considered 'efficient use of code'.
How to debug a 'C' program - addendum
-------------------------------------
1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code.
2] If it's all your code then the problem *MUST* be in those unreliable
Standard Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
3] Claim the bug reports are viscious lies meant to tarnish your sterling
reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who
wrote the reports couldn't even *read* your code. How could they possibly
know if there was a bug or not?
3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C'", above.
4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++.
If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after utilizing the
above rules then you simply aren't trying hard enough.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
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