kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) (05/30/91)
Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#251 through #275 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.
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The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.
--- 270-10 01239 4.3 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, great and manly/feminine (depending on the incarnation) Oracle, what
> is it that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so dearly?
> Moreover, why can I get my finger to stop bleeding ever since I took a
> small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges? It'll
> seem okay for a while, but then it starts bleeding again? Where is
> Mister Rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in Maddona's next
> video? Why is it that men like the curves on women? Why is the sky
> blue? Why is the wall blue? Why is my terminal screen -- oh, just a
> second, got my sunglasses on. Anyway where is Kermit the Frog now,
> after Jim Henson died? I heard he got into a pretty bad crowd. Why is
> it that there is dried blood on my keyboard? Why is the world spinning?
> Why ask why? Try Bud Dry. My god, it's full of stars! What does MC
> Hammer call his personal organ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > What is it that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so
} > dearly?
}
} I shall ask her subconscious... [hiatus] ... I can see why you
} feel the way you do, and from the little tingle I sensed within her when
} I mentioned your name, I know she has strong desires. Of course, it may
} simple have been the sound of my blessed voice that excited her.
}
} > Moreover, why can I get my finger to stop bleeding ever since I
} > took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges?
} > It'll seem okay for a while, but then it starts bleeding again?
}
} Mandrines have very long, sharp teeth. Next time, make sure you
} buy known brand products, and then the cans will more likely to have
} been irradiated to kill the little blighters. To stop the bleeding, dip
} your finger in the syrup from the can, and say the words `It's full of
} stars'.
}
} > Where is Mister Rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in
} > Maddona's next video?
}
} Kenny will no longer be appearing live in concert, he will
} however, appear quite dead in a video clip with Maddona for her latest
} hit "Once, Twice, Three times a Virgin".
}
} > Why is it that men like the curves on women?
}
} The male fascination with female curvature arises, basically, from
} early childhood experiences with the curves and straights in toy train
} sets. All young boys quickly learn that you need curves to make
} anything that's worth putting your choo-choo near. A few souls discover
} a slight variation, realizing that you can't go round with straights.
}
} > Why is the sky blue?
}
} All of the universe is made up of the primary colours Red, Blue
} and Green in equal quantities (thus, the Sun produces white light, a
} perfectly mixed combination of these colours). Unfortunately, when
} earth was forming, most of the Blue component (which is lighter, and as
} such rises) bubbled to the top of the atmosphere. This gives rise to
} the unusual colouring on the earth: Green and Red living things. Man,
} for example, is a Red creature. A grape is a green creature (although
} red ones do exist). The only Blue creatures are a few birds and fish,
} which worship Blue, and so try to make themselves Good in its light. A
} similar occurence happens with humans, where many try to look white or
} black, or some other colour, each believing their Colour to be greatest.
}
} > Why is the wall blue?
}
} Take off your sunglasses.
}
} > Why is my terminal screen -- oh, just a second, got my sunglasses on.
}
} The Oracle is truly all-seeing.
}
} > Where is Kermit the Frog now, after Jim Henson died? I heard he got
} > into a pretty bad crowd.
}
} Kermit, the poor Green One (he was high in the Priesthood here),
} was so distressed at Jim's death, that he left his world of good
} friends, and turned to the Dark Toads to seek a reason for his loss.
} Unfortunately, during the initiation ceremony, where frog stand in the
} sun for 4 weeks to turn themselves all dry and warty, Kermit simply
} crumbled to a mass of felt fibres with two little plastic eyes on top.
}
} > Why is it that there is dried blood on my keyboard?
}
} You are SUCH a slow reader! Put your finger in the syrup NOW, you
} are losing blood.
}
} > Why is the world spinning? Why ask why?
}
} HURRY!
}
} > Try Bud Dry.
}
} No! The syrup!
}
} > My god, it's full of stars!
}
} Okay, phew, now on with the questions...
}
} > What does MC Hammer call his personal organ?
}
} It's just the thing he nails with.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with the blonde.
--- 275-06 00285 4.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: The Great Squid
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> WHY ISN'T THE EARTH FLAT?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Unfortunately the usual answer lies in physics. A rotating disk the
} size of the Earth is not gravitationally stable. The result would be
} a rather unusual asteroid field.
}
} The REAL answer is more interesting. It all comes back to a
} conversation that I had with God several millenia ago. As I recall,
} it went something like this...
}
} God: So Oracle, what do you think of the new universe?
}
} Oracle: Good effort. I give it a 7.
}
} G: WHAT!
}
} O: Well, er, um, the Earth is flat...
}
} G: Yes. Your powers of observation continue to astonish me. So what?
}
} O: A flat disk has to have an edge, so what holds the ocean in?
}
} G: It just pours off in a continuous, enormous waterfall. Quite
} beautiful really. I'm particularly proud of the spectral effects when
} the Sun is just coming over the horizon.
}
} O: I do not doubt the artistic value of a flat Earth. However, what
} happens when the Earth runs out of water?
}
} G: Well... I'll just scoop it out of space and drop it on top again.
} I'll call it "rain". Lots of nice salty rain with the occasional
} fish. Animals will appreciate the free eats.
}
} O: Salty rain will be highly corrosive, and the dead fish will smell
} terrible. Also plants don't like too much salt in the ground.
}
} G: Picky, picky. I guess I will have to extract the salt and fish
} from the water first.
}
} O: What will you do with the extra salt and fish?
}
} G: I will build magnificent statues of Me. People will say, "God sure
} is handy with salt and dead fish".
}
} O: Great. Very impressive. I can see it now, a mile high statue of
} You made entirely of sea salt and dead fish.
}
} G: Now that you put it that way, I can see that there might be an
} image problem. Fine. I'll just make the Earth round and forget any
} kind of artistic merit. I like rain though. In fact, I can think of
} a few specific uses for really heavy rain.
}
} O: You'll thank me in the end.
}
} There you have it. You owe the Oracle the entire Diskworld series.
--- 264-02 11418 3.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O mighty and most Truly Interesting Oracle, whose boots we are not
> worthy to lick, and whose peacocks keep us up all night with their noisy
> lovemaking,
>
> Why is it that a new Oracularities Digest comes out every two days --
> and yet whenever I send an "Ask me" I am informed that there are no
> questions to answer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} FROM THE FILES OF INTERNET IGGY, MASTER DETECTIVE
} ---- --- ----- -- -------- ---- ------ ---------
}
} The sun was beating down on the back of my neck like a blackjack as I
} opened my office door. It was only then that I realized that some
} cheap hood had made off with my ceiling. I made a mental note to track
} him down, then realized I was out of mental notepaper. It was not
} going to be a good day.
}
} The figure I saw lurking behind the diffenbachia added more evidence
} to support that conclusion. He was about five-four with a pasty-white,
} pimply complexion. A piece of gold wire supported a pair of glass
} billiard balls in front of his eyes. A white plastic flap with the
} letters "IEEE" hung from his shirt pocket. Behind it rode an amazing
} collection of pens, pencils, screwdrivers, and a Radio Shack logic
} probe. His clip-on tie languished at the bottom of his open collar.
} His lips were moving.
}
} "Mr. Iggy, I may have a case for you."
}
} "Teriffic, as long as it's Jack Daniels. In quart bottles."
}
} "I work with computers for a living..."
}
} "How did I ever guess?"
}
} "...and I'm missing something very important."
}
} "I'm not the guy you should talk to then. Look in the yellow pages,
} under 'Urologists'. Or is that 'Penologists'?"
}
} "You don't seem to understand, Mr. Iggy. I am in contact with a
} certain, er, Oracle. Or should I say, I used to be in contact with
} him. I would ask him to ask me questions. Then after I asked him to
} ask me the question, he would answer with a question in answer to the
} question I had asked asking for the question. This question in the
} answer I would then have to answer, and then answer the Oracle with
} the answer to the question he had asked me in answer to the question I
} had asked him asking for the question..."
}
} "Wait a minute, I'm asking the questions here."
}
} "No, it's the Oracle. Or at least it should be, but it isn't. You see,
} the question I have is that when I ask for a question whose answer is
} a question I answer..."
}
} "Try that again, geek, and you'll have a gum-wad's-eye view of the
} linoleum."
}
} "In any case, the Oracle does not reply. Mr. Iggy, I need you to find
} out why. I need the answer to the question of the missing question...
} *O*O*F*!"
}
} I'll give the little guy one thing. He knew the one way to take a
} Florsheim to the solar plexus. With great pain.
}
} "OK, Brainiac", I said, "let's get something straight. I'm not going
} to repeat myself, and I'm not going to say it again. _I'M_ asking the
} questions around here! And if you don't like it, go see Dashiell
} Hammett!!!"
}
} "Urgh... you're... (gasp) ...brilliant!"
}
} I drew my '38 and swivelled around to see who had walked in. Then I
} realized that he was still talking to me.
}
} "Me? -er- so you figured it out, finally?"
}
} "Yes, Mr. Iggy! (*cough*) You're asking the... questions around here!
} So _you_ are in p-p-posession of the missing questions!"
}
} I went to my filing cabinet, carefully stepping on the geek's hand on
} the way. From the center drawer I removed the file every detective
} worth his flat feet should have. It was labelled
}
} #####
} # #
} #
} ###
} #
}
} #
}
} "You got that from the Oracle!" the geek pronounced. "You stole it!"
}
} "Yeah, I pinched the questions file. So what? You know how boring it
} is around here? Nothing to keep me occupied but slinky dames, booze,
} fabulous wealth, and mystery. I've gotta have a little fun you know.
} Here, take it. But be damn sure to leave it up for anonymous FTP."
}
} "But how can I ever repay you?"
}
} "Just keep out of my site. But there is one thing."
}
} "Anything! Name it!"
}
} "You owe the Oracle a brown fedora and a pack of unfiltered Luckies."
--- 263-07 11193 3.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Mistah Orcul,
>
> I'm'a tryin' ta git mah revenge on a dad burned old bastard used to be
> mah frend afore he done me wrong. What I wanna know is, should I just
> shoot him, or be sutl and crewl and just smash in his haid with a
> mallot?
>
> Thank ye.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > env LANGUAGE = cornpone
}
} Wall, Jed, it awl 'pend 'pon jes what that there rscal done to ya. If'n
} he a'stole yer horse, then yer gotta hang'im. If'n he done stole yer
} woman, then yer gotta shoot'im. If'n he done used up awl of yer
} computer account tahm, wahl then yer gotta get really mean, an' tear out
} his lungs a'through his nostrils.
}
} If'n it's anythin' else, then yer best be is tuh tie him to a big ole
} brass bed, an tuh leave only one hand free, ya see? Then ya paint all
} the fingernails on that hand with rattlesnake poison, ya see? Then ya
} dump a whole box a fahr ants atop'n the bed, and sit aroun' an' wait for
} 'im to start a'scratchin'! Heee-ya, that'll be fun!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Cassel's English-Texan/Texan-English
} Dictionary.
--- 265-10 12246 3.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> As you so rightfully predicted, here's the haiku:
>
> Mighty Oracle,
> tell me how to defrost my
> refrigerator.
>
> We aim to please...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle is omniscient. That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that it is
} infallible. Sometimes, the Oracle is just STUUUUUPID. This makes 5,643
} **DIFFERENT** haiku asking how to defrost a refrigerator. The Oracle
} has to supply a different, creative answer to each one. And this one is
} the least inspired of them all. Haiku are supposed to have layers of
} meaning and deep, natural symbolism. Feh. Having answered the first
} 5,642 with haiku about how to defrost the refrigerator, the Oracle has
} decided to branch off to something different.
}
} A graduate student of Science
} With a malfunctioning major appliance
} Could not read instructions
} Or make simple deductions
} And had lost all of his self-reliance.
}
} His freezer was not self-defrosting
} And the gathering icepack was costing
} Him the work of three years:
} Frozen pizzas and beers.
} To go shopping was MUCH too exhausting.
}
} He foresaw his demise from starvation,
} Then he suddenly found inspiration:
} "The Oracle knows
} How to banish ice floes!
} I shall tell it the whole situation!"
}
} "O Oracle!" the grad student said
} "Can you save me from what I most dread?"
} Help me conquer the frost!
} I care naught for the cost!!"
} The answer came back, and it read:
}
} "There's an answer; the Oracle knows it:
} Crawl into your icebox and close it.
} The heat your producin'
} Will make the ice loosen.
} If your genitals freeze - well, so goes it!"
}
} The Oracle always replies
} To the questions that come to Its eyes
} But there's always a price
} For Its Holy advice:
} You owe It two large pizza pies.
}
} With mushrooms and extra cheese.
--- 269-09 02425 3.8 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: The Great Squid
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You didn't listen to my advice and got too close to the black hole,
} didn't you? I told you, not even <carriage-return> can escape the
} deadly grip of the hole's gravity once you cross the event horizon. The
} answer to your question is: "No, you can't make it back in time for
} Twin Peaks. You're stuck in limbo for good."
}
} You owe the Oracle a tachyon custard pie.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
So many people use "joke" or "submission" like I was expecting something else?