@hamlet.bitnet:zukor@logos.jpl.nasa.gov (03/02/89)
Hillel Gazit writes: >I was part of my life in a group of outcasts. We hacked all night....No >woman was a part of the group, and I (as a date-less young man) wondered why. >That's my question to you and other women who were in a similar situation. >What did the guys do that caused you to feel uncomfortable? I actually hung out with a group of guys like this (and was the only female). One thing that bothered me was their rhetoric. The most common compliments among this group were phrases like "You're a stud" and "You are a gentleman and a scholar". This is partly cultural, where being an exemplery MALE is the ideal. This was combined with their attitude that they were the best and the brightest group around, and they were all male, so this must have something to do with it. From this perspective, there were two ways of viewing me; either I was simply just not up their level, and thus should be looked down upon (There was a little of this at times.), or I was an aberration, an exception to the general order of things (There was more of this.). Can you see why this could make someone feel uncomfortable? Another thing was many of them were not used to having women friends. They had been socially isolated from girls for so long because of the above attitudes, they viewed them as foreign, as members of another culture. They themselves felt uncomfortable around women, and therefore behaved weirdly. They would make inappropriate comments. (Example: "If I told you you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" I always answered "no".) They would talk about subjects only they, as the top math/science students, would know about. This did not endear them to high school girls. Of course, they wanted to be liked by girls, and though they never voiced it, underneath they wanted to know why girls didn't like them, didn't hang out with them, and why I did. This underlying group dynamic also could make one uncomfortable. One of them said to me recently (Oh, I'm now 25.) that he was impressed that I put up with all the flack they gave me, and still came out with a good attitude towards men. Really, they were basically good guys at heart, and I did and do appreciate their friendship. Karen Zukor e-mail: zukor%logos.jpl.nasa.gov@hamlet.caltech.edu