moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Jeff Meyer) (07/10/85)
For those of you who didn't see the original article in net.misc, I posted
the complete collection of sign-off lines to net.misc a few weeks back. The
majority of these quotes are unsigned as to their sources; but heck, I
figured people only wanted to see the complete collection.
I was wrong.
Since then, I've been besieged with requests (30, count 'em, 30) for the
sources of all those quotes. Net.misc is filling up with various guesses,
and a contest has been suggested by various people.
Well, as to the contest, I'm making my own, which will be described in
soon-to-be-posted article in net.games.trivia. For the sources, well,
they're below, with sources, except for 10 quotes I find particularly
interesting which will be used in the contest. God, I don't plan to go
through this Living Hell again if I can help it....
"Open Channel D..."
If he's not one thing,
he's another. ---> Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
{cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsri}!uw-beaver \
{allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty
ARPA:
fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA
-------------------------------
"By the way, I payed for the whole trip on Mr. Underhill's American
Express card. Want the number?"
[Closing Line from the movie _Fletch_]
----
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly
unrelated sequence of events, there lurks
a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
"Whose?"
"MINE! HA-HA!"
[Firesign Theatre, The Giant Rat of Summatra]
----
"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick
the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!"
[Megaton Man, a truly hilarious comic book]
----
THE DAILY PLANET
SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
Plans to "Eat it later".
[Ambush Bug, another truly hilarious comic book]
----
"SAVE US, Megaton Man! SAVE US!"
"PROTECT US, Megaton Man! PROTECT US!"
"THINK for us, Megaton Man, THINK for us!"
"MOW MY LAWN FOR ME, Megaton Man, MOW MY LAWN FOR ME!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on ME,
waiting for ME to make my move!"
"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"You're all MISTAKEN! I got 65 girlfriends -- and a
LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP in the NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"Try it NOW, you murderous poopheads!!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Hide the wenches and batten down the access codes... yer about to
be boarded, ye scurvy network news dogs! Har Har..."
[Bloom County]
----
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's
some higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect
well on you."
[Matthew Broderick in _Ladyhawke_]
----
Call me Moriarty, Zeck, Karla, or Bloefeld;
just don't call me late for dinner.
[Moi]
----
"I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't."
-Nero Wolfe, _Over_My_Dead_Body_
----
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among
crooks as--"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a
deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the
public.'"
Dr. John Watson, _The_Valley_of_Fear_
----
"But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are
uttering libel in the eyes of the law, and
there lies the glory and the wonder of it.
The greatest schemer of all time, the
organizer of every devilry, the controlling
brain of the underworld.... That's the man."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"
----
"I can tell a Moriarty when I see one. This crime is from
London, not America."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Valley of Fear"]
----
"The man pervades London, and no one has heard of him."
[One of the two previous quotes]
----
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
Mark Twain
"When in doubt, book 'em."
Steve McGarret, Five-O
[The fortune program]
----
Ronald Reagan: America's favorite placebo
[The fortune program]
----
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
[The fortune program]
----
Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
[The fortune program]
----
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant"
[Two characters in _A_Private_Function_]
----
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"This Land is made of Mountains,
This Land is made of Mud,
This Land has lots of Everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd..."
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"OHHLYMPIAA! Olympia!"
"Osiris!"
"My friend!"
"What has happened to your nose?"
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"We're all Bozos on this bus."
[The Firesign Theatre, from the alblum of the same name]
----
"The Angels...! The angels were speaking to
me! And do you know what they said?"
"No... vhat?"
"We are the men from Texico,
We work from Maine to Mexico,
We're close to you no matter who you are..."
[Jeremy Acorn, a take-off on Johnny Appleseed, who is crazy enough to be
able to hear radio broadcasts from 1950; from the excellent comic, Journey]
----
"And that was the end of Grogan, the man who killed my father,
raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and
stole my Bible!"
[Romancing The Stone]
----
"I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in my chair, knowing
a man such as Moriarty walked the streets of London unchallenged."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
----
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $3 goodbye!"
[Hardware Wars]
----
"You can thank the Rock 'n Roll detector for leading you to your doom!"
"Thanks!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"I'm going to have you wrapped in a U.S. flag and burned personally by the
President, in high octane American gasoline!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"OW! Rubber spider venom! That's not fair!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!"
"Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Scotty, I need Warp Drive in three minutes or we're all dead!"
[Star Trek II (I just find this line hysterically funny...)]
----
"I don't DESERVE this!! I haven't even KILLED anyone in this issue!"
[Kobra, in an Ambush Bug story in DC Presents]
----
"Strong men blench! Women scream! Children vomit!"
[Gaston Piston in the comic Neil The Horse]
----
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*
you believe?!"
-Bullwinkle J. Moose
----
"Nobody here but us folk heroes."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Hey, man, I'm an electrician!"
"MAKE MY DAY! MAKE MY DAY!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"'OLIVE LOAF VIGILANTE' PUMMELS STREET MIMES...
Hundreds call police praising mystery man."
[Bloom County]
----
"Awww..."
"Don't let that 'sweet' act fool ya, Harry! They're DANGEROUS ASSASSINS!"
[Two guards from the splendifourous comic, ZOT!]
----
"Now, for the LAST TIME, old man, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?"
"And as I told you *already*, sir, I'm SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD OF IT!"
[A beauracratic villain and Uncle Max from ZOT!]
----
"It's a job for YOU, Dangermouse..."
"Oh, *good* old DM!"
"...AND Penfold."
"Oh, ick."
[Dangermouse]
----
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
HAW'!!" "
[Bloom County]
----
"This cognac is older than God."
[The pilot to Codename: Foxfire, a TV series that went into the sewer faster
than you can say "A-Team"...]
----
"Well, Penfold, it looks like we'll have to save the world again."
"Ooh, Ick..."
[Dangermouse]
----
"It just doesn't make any sense, Penfold!"
"But our adventures NEVER make any sense, DM!"
[Dangermouse]
----
"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
[Doonsebury]
----
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the greatest source of signoff lines know
to man...]
----
"I'm not SURE that that makes sense, DM."
"Well, it is a CARTOON, sir..."
[Dangermouse]
----
"NOW how much would you pay? But wait, there's less! Order now, and we'll
include the amazing $17,000 coffee pot! It boils, it boils... it even
boils!"
[Harry Shearer on Saturday Night Live]
----
"...Who'z dat guy?"
"That's Berhard Goetz."
"Bern-hard Getzz? De jazz musician?"
[Fernando on Saturday Night Live]
----
"If you tell the truth, you must smile. Otherwise, people will kill you."
[Good question... I don't know. Fortune Program?]
----
"You'd do it for Randolph Scott."
(chorus) "*gasp* RANDOLPH SCOTT!"
[Blazing Saddles]
----
"Some tottyhead is mixing genres!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Texxon... Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt."
[Saturday Night Live ad]
----
"I must say, you look *maahvelus*."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
----
"My friends, it is better to look good than to feel good."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
----
Blessed Me,
[A jibe at Jeff Hull]
----
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
[The fortunes program]
----
"There *are* standards. If you can't see one, you *make* one and
stick to it come Hell or high water -- until you see a BETTER one."
-John Gaunt
[John Gaunt, aka Grimjack, from the comic of the same name]
----
"Deep space is my dwelling place, the stars my destination"
[Alfred Bester's "The Stars My Destination"]
----
"They dared to call me mad! ME! HA! HA! HA!...."
[Uh, me, on a bad night after too many Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ales...]
----
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."
[I forgot... great quote, though]
----
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
[Doonsebury]
----
"But I guess I'm just stating the very obvious (shutup, Penny, shutup!...)"
[Penny Priddy in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Oh, intercourse the penguin!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Lithium is no longer available on credit"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark."
[Doctor Lizardo/John Whorfin in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"It's not MY GODDAMN PLANET, Monkey Boy!"
[John BigBoote (Big-Boot-tay) in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"There's more hoods than we thought!"
"Then shoot MORE BULLETS!"
[That champion of Justice, The Flaming Carrot, in the comic of the same name]
----
"Hi. This is God."
"Uh-Oh..."
[Doonsebury]
----
"...for DEATH awaits you all, with nasty sharp pointy teeth!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
----
"She's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."
[A munchkin in _The_Wizard_of_Oz_]
----
"He is the Napoleon of Crime, Watson..."
[Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Problem"]
----
"Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone THAT!"
[Bloom County]
----
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
[Frank Acme Jr., in The Firesign Theatre's alblum "The Giant Rat of
Summatra"]
----
"Pfui. More people saying what they believe would be a
great improvement. Because I do I am unfit for common
intercourse" -- Nero Wolfe, "Blood Will Tell"
----
"Negative, sucker. You need a smoking pistol and you know it."
"Right you are. Where are those handguns when we really need them?"
[Doonesebury]
----
"Are they being mistreated?"
"Only by a few fanatics. Mostly local anchormen."
[Doonesebury]
----
"But I'd rather eat Johnson!"
[Monty Python]
----
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
----
"That's the biz, sweetheart"
[Remo Williams, The Destroyer]
----
"...in an iron coffin, with spikes on the inside!"
[Monty Python's "Matching Tie & Handerkerchief Alblum]
----
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" -- John Huston
----
Be there. Aloha.
[Steve McGarret, Five-Oh]
----
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...
[Raul Duke, Doonsebury]
----
Be firm, fly low and stay cool....
[Raul Duke, Doonsebury]
----
"Pfui."
[Nero Wolfe]
----
"...it's people like you what cause unrest."
[Monty Python]
----
"Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the difference."
[The Fortunes Program]
----
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of Science?"
[Monty Python & the Holy Grail]
----
"Cheese it, cheddar-breath, you can't fight America's Action Hero, see?"
[Gangster in The Firesign Theatre's production of "The Giant Rat of
Summatra"]
----
"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
[A T-shirt in the comics version of "Myth Adventures"]
----
"What kind of ANIMAL would DO a thing like this?"
"Whoop Whoop Whoop..."
[The Ambush Bug comic]
----
"Just remember, he knows more than you do!"
"I have a Master's Degree!"
"In SCIENCE!"
[Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre's Ask Mr. Science]
----
"The maniac will please refrain from waxing nostalgic."
[A comic called Spaced (Don't read it, it's garbage)]
----
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-picken' varmint!"
[Yosemite Sam]
----
"Look, if anyone else pinches my phrase, I'll throw them under a camel!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Master of the emotional belly flop."
[Doonesebury]
----
"Yes Ma'am. So will Jesus, but I ain't waitin' up nights."
[Doonesebury]
----
"WATCH OUT, Comrade! He's bearing ARMS, as is his constitutional right!"
"Eat TEFLON, Ivan!"
"Retreat! Back to Moscow!"
[Doonesebury]
----
"Hey, George. Our Soviet Masters on line 3."
[Doonesebury]
----
Guns don't kill people. I don't kill people. Moran, HE kills people.
[Moi]
----
"Hurry! They're freaking out on stale Heineken!!"
"I'M A FROG! I'M A FROG!"
[Bloom County]
----
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"
[Monty Python]
----
"Avast, ye scurvey corporate dogs! Prepare to be boarded!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear...."
[The Lone Ranger]
----
"Say no more, Say no more!"
[Monty Python]
----
"The more you drive, the less intelligent you are."
[_Repo_Man_]
----
"....and his hideous clockwork dog, Toto...."
[Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"There's something you don't see every day."
[_Ghostbusters_]
----
"This looks like a job for BICYCLE REPAIRMAN!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"
[_Ghostbusters_]
----
"It looks just like a photon pod... but in verrry bad taste."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Badges? We don't need no steenken badges!"
[_Treasure_of_the_Sierra_Madres_]
----
When in this world the headlines read
of those whose hearts are filled with greed
who rob and steal from those who need
the cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
Underdog
UNDERDOG!
[Oh, come on, guess...]
----
When Polly's in trouble I am not slow,
it's hip hip hip and away I go!
[Underdog]
----
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"How is this possible?"
"We keep him upstairs in a big plastic bubble."
[Doonesbury, refering to Zonker Harris]
----
"Of COURSE, dummy! They invade each other to stay in shape!"
"That's what makes them so tough..."
[Doonsebury]
----
"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate."
[Doonsebury]
----
"Go to it, sir! Good luck!"
"Gosh, he's unflappable."
"Bill, this is a nickle, and this is an orange..."
[Doonsebury]
----
"BLAM! BLAM! POW! POW!"
"What's going on, Dad?"
"I'm defending our home from foreign invaders, son."
[Doonsebury]
----
"I support the right to arm bears."
[Bumper sticker]
----
"Mongo just pawn in game of life..."
[Alex Karras in _Blazing_Saddles_]
----
"...AND his God Damned CAT!!!"
[The great comic "American Flagg!"]
----
"Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge, Know-what-I-mean, Know-what-I-mean?"
[Monty Python]
----
If dementia has a name, it must be...
[Moi, after seeing the slogan for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Gore...]
----
"No. 1.... The LARCH tree."
[Monty Python]
----
DIM! (DIM of the YARD!)
[Monty Python]
----
"What do you want to talk about?"
"I can talk about anything, I've been to college."
[The Fortunes Program]
----
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
-Wernher von Braun
----
"Hey, nice coat, man. What's in the pink box?"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Where are we going?!"
"PLANET 10!!"
"When are we leaving?!"
"REAL SOON!!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"No matter where you go... there you are"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Look....up in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane...it's a frog!"
"A frog?"
"Not bird nor plane nor even frog, just little old me, Underdog!"
[I think that's self-explanatory]
----
"...we do our part -- what's your problem?"
[the comic "American Flagg!"]
----
Just another garden-variety Communist dupe...
[Moi]
----
From the conning tower of The Submarine of the Usenet
[Moi]
----
The Submarine of the Usenet
[Moi]
----
Heavens, they're tasty...
[Garrison Keillor, the greatest American humorist since Will Rogers, on the
radio program "A Prarie Home Companion"]
----
"Nick! Heath! Jarrad! There's a fire in the barn!"
[_Airplane_]
----
"...and several butcher's aprons"
[Monty Python]
----
"The wonder of it all."
[Bloom County]
----
"There is no mistreating of the Abos... while there's anybody watching."
[Monty Python]
----
"Those who travel with him.... must be crazy."
[Slogan from _Indiana_Jones_and_the_Temple_of_Doom_]
----
"... the all-weather breakfast cereal"
[The Firesign Theatre, "Nick Danger, Third Eye"]
----
"The bigger they are, the nicer they are..."
[Chiun, Master of Sinanju, from The Destroyer series]
----
"I'd do anything for a hundred pounds, of DOLLARS, my dear Dudley!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of muy hat!"
"But that trick NEVER works!"
"This time fer sure!"
[Rocky & Bullwinkle]
----
Necessity is a Mother -- no invention!
[Fortune Program]
----
"I have seen victory snatched from the hands of other commanders."
[Sub-Commander Tal in the Star Trek comic]
----
"I just hired him and he's already off on a case! What a brown-noser!"
[The Ambush Bug, in Action Comics]
----
"If I were not in the C.I.D., A window-washer I would be!"
[Monty Python (Inspector Dim!)]
----
"Grab your Cape/And drop the phone/Your next stop is/The Joker Zone"
[The Joker, in some really poor DC comic...]
----
"Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a loser"
[George C. Scott, _Patton_]
----
"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest WIITH... A HERRING!!"
[The Knights who no longer say "Neep", _Monty_Python_and_the_Holy_Grail_]
----
Trivia is my Business
[Moi]
----
"Can you say PAIN, boys & girls?"
[Mr. T visiting Mr. Robert's (Eddie Murphy's) Neighborhood]
----
"He's everywhere! He's everywhere!"
[That wonderful old Radio show, Chicken Man]
----
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
[Indiana Jones, _Raiders_of_the_Lost_Ark_]
----
"Noooobody expects THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!"
[Monty Python]
----
One of the last true Bohemians...
[Moi]
----
A eccentric America is a Safe America...
[Moi]
----
"That green-blooded, pointy-eared Son of a Bitch!"
[Dr. McCoy, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"Don't call me 'tiny'."
[Mr. Sulu, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
America's Actioned Hero,
[Moi]
----
"Aye, and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd have been a wagon...."
[Mr. Scott, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"Wow... this is intense."
[_Repo_Man_]
----
"The word is no, therefore I am going anyway."
[Captain James T. Kirk, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"I understand that in this country Coke comes in cans!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"Is this a trick question?"
[Bill Murray addressing a possessed Sigourney Weaver in _Ghostbusters_]
----
"Aim for her flat-top!"
[Bill Murray in _Ghostbusters_]
----
"...I'm going to hit it with a stick."
[Dr. Hardin in the comic DNAgents (you had to be there...)]
----
"I'm a BAAAAD boy!"
[Lou Costello]
----