kristoff@NET.BIO.NET (Dave Kristofferson) (12/06/88)
I thought that this might raise a chuckle or two.
Dave Kristofferson
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From sam@murdu.OZ (Sam Ganesan) Sun Dec 4 18:47:15 1988
Path: bionet!agate!eos!ames!amdcad!sun!pitstop!sundc!seismo!uunet!munnari!murdu!sam
From: sam@murdu.OZ (Sam Ganesan)
Newsgroups: sci.bio
Subject: Grant Titles from History
Keywords: Grants, beurocrats/legislative aide
Message-ID: <1494@murdu.OZ>
Date: 5 Dec 88 02:47:15 GMT
Reply-To: sam@murdu.UUCP (Sam Ganesan)
Followup-To: sci.bio
Organization: Microbiology, Melbourne Uni, Australia
Lines: 97
Hi folks,
Here is another for your perusal. This might actually be too close to
the truth to be funny. But here goes.
No responses from Dan Davison accepted. By the way Dan, The chicken came
first; why? Because I was there!!!
Sam Ganesan.
GRANT TITLES FROM HISTORY
With all the current fuss over grants given by government agencies
for "silly" research, it might be interesting to consider how well some
of the great discoveries of history would have fared if they had been
subjected to Congressional scrutiny. We thus present some likely titles
for grant proposals by historical figures( whose names appear at the end,
together with their discoveries) and the probable comments of a practical
minded legislative aide, recommending why his Congressman should vote
against them.
(1) "Perturbation of space and time at extreme velocities, with
implications for mass energy relationships". ( Pure Science fiction. A
patent office clerk proposes to prove by pure mathematics that clocks run
slower and measuring sticks would get shorter if they could be accelerated
to nearly the speed of light. Topic is irrelevant to everyday life, such
effects cannot be experimentally tested in the conceivable future, and the
whole business violates three centuries of amply demonstrated physical
principles.)
(2) "Possible interrelationships of various species of Galapagos
Finches". (Young drifter wants to take a five year junket around the world,
toward no particular end. His academic qualifications are limited to
having flunked medicine at Edinburgh and divinity studies at Cambridge.
He enjoys the sporting life and now says he wants to collect rare birds
and such.)
(3) "Er redete mit dem Vich, den Volgen und dem Fischen" -- (roughly
translated): "Conversing with dumb animals". (Austrian physician and
goose fancier wishes to further his studies in communicating with lower
animals - he sometimes becomes their "parent" and, for example, jumps
into the water with his adopted geese to help them learn to forage.)
(4) "Transmission of pod color in crossed strains of garden peas."
(Young Augustinian monk, having flunked out of the university and failed
to qualify as a teacher in his Order now raises peas in the monastery
garden. Intends to note pod color and plant height over several
generations - cannot produce any publishable results for atleast eight
years.)
(5) "Molecular stimulation by electromagnetic waves ina resonator
with positive feedback - for application to high resolution micro-
wave high resolution spectroscopy of quantized molecular vibration
modes". ( Reputable physicist with experience in Radar; but the product
sounds awfully esoteric, with little foreseeable practical application.)
(6) "A compendium of new mechanical devices, explanation of hydro-
dynamics, an improved method of bronze casting, proof of the impossibility
of perpetual motion, and discourses on related and unrelated topics."
(Easily ignored. This nut turns out to be an illegitimate itenerant
artist with little formal schooling, who claims to intuitively understand
the principles of science and technology better than those now propounding
them in scholarly publications. A virtual illeterate in mathematics,
he is reduced to drawing pictures to express his ideas.)
Fortunately, in most cases, the researchers in question were
able to survive somehow until their work was better recognized. They were:
1. Albert Einstein, as hemight have proposed his relativity theory;
2. Charles Darwin, who took his five year journey as an unpaid naturalist
and returned with the idea of evolution;
3. Konrad Lorentz, the founder of modern ethology( the study of animal
behaviour;
4. Gregor Mendel, whose pea experiments led to the understanding of
heredity;
5. Charles Townes, as he might have described his work leading to the
invention of the laser; and
6. Leonardo da Vinci, who anticipated by several centuries many scientific
and technological principle, but whose writings in these areas were
either lost or ignored for the reasons indicated.
-John H. Douglas
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>From Science News 1975
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