SECBH@CUNYVM (04/12/90)
No, you have not "whanged on too long", but rather put eloquence
behind some of the feelings and experiences we are all going
through in this war.
I know all too well that "beep-beep", which reminds me 5 times a
day that I am infected with this virus. I have learned about
dying firsthand, holding someone's hand as the release from the
misery of living in the hospital finally came. I have attended a
funeral held on the day of my father's open-heart surgery.
Returning from the funeral to the hospital, I found my father had
not survived.
I have become, all too often, jaded to it all. My own energy
level falls to where I simply don't have the strength for another
hospital visit. Not that it's physically challenging, but the
emotional stress is too much to bear. The anti-depressants I'm on
get enough of a workout as it is.
Somehow, in all of this, hope flourishes, simply because it must.
But as the war drags on, on both the personal and the global
levels, the threads of hope become more and more tenuous. I find
myself encouraged by the most strange things. Despairing over a
t-cell count of 200, after hearing of a friend's which has gone
from 400 to 800 thanks to agressive drug therapy, I speak to
another friend who has been relatively healthy. He confides a
t-cell count of 10. This is helpful to realize, but the daily
reminders of this disease are still a stress that takes more than
its due.
Thank you for your message, there is indeed solace in realizing
that I am never alone in dealing with all of this. You spoke of
the depths of caring, and you are right, there is an unparalleled
feeling of closeness among even strangers who know that they are
sharing the anguish of life with the epidemic.
--
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