David.Alford@f370.n107.z1.fidonet.org (David Alford) (10/26/90)
They both told me that I should tell him that I care for him a great
deal, and try and talk him into getting his results from his second
test, and then finding a doctor, and getting a t-cell count to see where
he stands, and if he should begin any kind of treatment.
I tried to talk to John about this, but he didn't want to talk about it,
and sometimes got angry when I brought it up. I also suggested several
times that he go to a group-support meeting, to find out what other
people are doing about it, and how they're living. I offered to take
him, but he wasn't interested.
I think its important to note that none of us were sick or had any
symptoms of being infected. John is still in good physical health. Hes
a skinny guy, but hes allways been skinny.
What scares me now is that John is back to his old routine of going out
to the bars. Yes, I also go along with him, and occassionally I meet
someone and have sex. But I make sure it's safe sex. Sexwise, I think of
everyone as being HIV+. It just bothers me that John still goes out and
has sex with guys. I often bring up safe sex, but he gets pissed off
when I do that also.
I know there are experimental treatments and vaccines, and AZT, and I
would like to get through to John that he should find a doctor and get
involved with this, but I've tried and have been unsuccessful.
I wrote him a long letter explaining my feelings and what I felt he
should do, and that I would give him support, and that I cared a great
deal for him. But, he still doesn't often acknowledge the fact that
he's + and should do something about it.
But on the other hand, Ive often thought, and hes made the same
comments, is that is it really worth going for AZT or any of the
experimental treatments? From the data I've seen, AZT only delays the
inevitible by an average of a year or two, once you develop symptoms.
John has also stated that by going for treatments, he might make himself
worse. I sometimes think that maybe thats true. He's in fine physical
condition now. Of course, in that extended life, a cure MIGHT come
along and one shouldnt give up hope. I've said that to him also. But
he just doesnt seem to care. But maybe its GOOD that he doesn't seem to
worry much about it. I've read in several msgs that one's state of mind
has a lot to do with whether or not they get sick. But, I dont believe
his state of mind is that well, or he wouldnt be going out and picking
guys up at the bars. Then again, I wonder if I would stop doing the
same if I was HIV+.
We both WANT a long-term relationship, but have never really had one.
We haven't met anyone who that ever worked out with. And I believe John
has decided to give up that quest. He knows he would have to tell his
spouse about his hiv status... and most people would probably lose
interest once they find out. In fact, he just went thru this a few
months ago with a guy he was seeing. John's ex wanted them both to go
for an HIV test, but John simply stated he was chicken to go for one,
because he knew what the result would be already. (Even that first
HIV test may have been WRONG - John never did go back to get the second
result - who knows they may have been negative, which I also tried to
tell him)
Continued on next msg...
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