v075n3an@ubvmsa.cc.buffalo.edu (Michael T Mucci) (10/27/90)
your love and caring for JOHN is quite evident.. what a great friend to have.. hes a lucky guy.. i need to tell you taht JOhn is experiencing a LOSS... a loss ofhealth.. a loss of future perhaps.... and ALL of us who experience loss go thru sever predicatble stages. .as outlined by ELIZABETH KULBER ROSS (who has an excellent new book out on loss and AIDS-paperback--get it for yourself)....they are: DENIAL ANGER DEPRESSION BARGAINING-OH PLEASE GOD.MAKE ME BETTER,, I SWEAR ILL GO TO CHURCH EVERYDAY ACCEPTANCE this is a process... it takes time.. John is obviously at the DENIAL stage. and for a good reason.. perhaps his conscious mind could not handle the NEWS NOW>...... and hed FLIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!>. this is a protection factor of the EGO..... you dont want to push someone too soon to accept something that is so terrible they may not have the coping skills to deal with it. let him be... and in all politiness BACK OFF take that caring you have for him soo much and show it by allowing him HIS space and time to deal with this awakening... cont next letter...........
rob@mtdiablo.Concord.CA.US (Rob Boldbear) (10/28/90)
In article <40699@shemp.CS.UCLA.EDU> Michael T Mucci) writes: >LOSS... a loss ofhealth.. a loss of future perhaps.... and ALL of us who >experience loss go thru sever predicatble stages. .as outlined by ELIZABETH >KULBER ROSS (who has an excellent new book out on loss and >AIDS-paperback--get it for yourself)....they are: > >DENIAL >ANGER >DEPRESSION >BARGAINING-OH PLEASE GOD.MAKE ME BETTER,, I SWEAR ILL GO TO CHURCH EVERYDAY >ACCEPTANCE I thought long ago this was shown to be wrong. These aren't stages at all. Sure when people experience a "loss", they go through periods when they feel one or more of these five, but they aren't stages: - they often don't occur in sequence - a person might return to one of those feelings multiple times - a person might not experience all give - a person might experience more than one at a time The fact that these really don't come in sequential stages is crucial to my next point. >this is a process... it takes time.. John is obviously at the DENIAL stage. >and for a good reason.. perhaps his conscious mind could not handle the >NEWS NOW>...... and hed FLIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!>. this is a protection factor of >the EGO..... you dont want to push someone too soon to accept something >that is so terrible they may not have the coping skills to deal with it. > >let him be... and in all politiness BACK OFF >take that caring you have for him soo much and show it by allowing him HIS >space and time to deal with this awakening... What is denial? It's a refusal to see the world as it really is. The "stage" theory might mislead us on a few points: - "Each of the stages are natural and useful defense mechanisms." True but misleading. Denial is not always in the best interests of the person. E.g. denial can be very dangerous. A person who is in denial about a serious situation can make the serious situation worse because they are not dealing with it in accordance with it's true nature. A person who denies they have a health problem may not take the precautions useful for reducing risks to their health. - "A given stage will end at a natural and appropriate time, so let it run its course." Denial can persist longer than it serves the best interest of the individual. A person can return to denial later on. -- Rob Bernardo Mt. Diablo Software Solutions _ / email: rob@mtdiablo.Concord.CA.US phone: (415) 827-4301 <_/>< S0/8 b-/+ g- l y- z- n o a-- u+ v-- j- P6 B2 f+ t- dvcv sv w- m+ r+ p / "If religious institutions are going to suck on the public teat, they shouldn't talk while their mouths are full." - Jack Carroll