hartman@ide.com (Robert Hartman) (11/07/90)
[Discussion of the validity of the stages deleted.] >>> >>>DENIAL >>>ANGER >>>DEPRESSION >>>BARGAINING-OH PLEASE GOD.MAKE ME BETTER,, I >>> SWEAR ILL GO TO CHURCH EVERYDAY DISORENTATION/PANIC >>>ACCEPTANCE I've been lurking here for a long time. I just wanted to comment on what I've learned about the grieving process in therapy around some major changes in my life. The absolute worst/scariest part of it for me is the disorientation and panic that overcomes me just prior to acceptance. I find that if I don't negotiate that part successfully, I'm thrown back into one of the prior stages, and continue to bounce around between them. Dealing with the panic is where I often need support. While siezed by panic it is very difficult to believe that such profound disorientation is a natural and necessary part of the process, but it is. This is also the part that a lot of people have trouble facing when trying to give support to a grieving person. They make the mistake of wanting to suppress the panic because they're afraid the person will get out of hand. However, such a person won't get out of hand if they trust your competence and commitment to make sure that they're physically safe in doing what they need to do, and if _you_ don't get out of hand. Just let 'em go and keep an eye on 'em. I remember specifically having to tell people trying to comfort me not to stop me from "going nuts" on them. The time for soothing someone is after the panic subsides. When the panic is peaking a person needs to be reassured that what's happening is OK and will, in fact, pass. Teaching children not to throw tantrums is probably a mistake. Teaching them how to postpone their tantrums hand have them in an appropriate setting is probably a better plan. We all need to dump our emotional shit, lest it poison our lives. -r