konc@sphinx.uchicago.edu ( Wizo ) (04/05/88)
This article has been screened so as to apply to all cross-posted newsgroups.
-Think about it.-
This news article was transcribed during a trance session. Mr. Ambasgun,
completely zonked on 'Frop [TM] (Trade Name for Hazafropzipulops Herb Blend),
apparently viewed it precognitively during a trance rant at the Chicago chapter
of The Clench of the Stark Fist of Removal. T_Deacon transcribed the session,
with annotations by T_Rev.
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BYRNE AND BYRNE BURN BYRNE, THEN BURN
CHICAGO(upi) - The bodies of famed entertainer David Byrne, comic book writer
John Byrne, and former Chicago mayor Jane Byrne were identified this morning as
apparent victims of a murder-suicide pact at the former site of the 3 Penny
Theatre. Firefighters were alerted by the theatre's fire alarms almost
immediately, but their attempts to control the blaze proved futile as the
structure burned to the ground.
The bodies were found near a locked iron box, which escaped the flames
undamaged. The box contained old campaign posters, several recent issues of
_Superman_, and Laurie Anderson's album, _Home of the Brave_. Police
detectives also discovered an encrypted note describing in detail the motive
and means of the murder. "It appears that John Byrne, in his final effort to
subjugate women, enlisted the aid of the musician in a bizarre plot to protest
women in politics and boost his employer's sagging sales in the comics
industry," said police captain Margaret Sawyer. On the subject of the
murder/suicide's details, Captain Sawyer explains, "It was a pretty grisly
scene. We believe that John and David immolated the ex-Mayor, then doused
the theatre with gasoline and set it ablaze, dying on their own pyre."
Preliminary autopsy reports, including dental records, indicate a strong
resemblance between Ms. Byrne and supposedly deceased Chicago political
"Boss" Richard Daley. Pop psychologist Eric Berne, author of _I'm OK,
You're OK_, was unavailable for comment.
The comics and music industries have been badly shaken by the news. DC Comics
released a statement that performance artist Laurie Anderson will take over
the plotting and scripting of _Superman_. Many changes are in store for
Anderson's Man of Steel. Anderson said, "As my new colleague Chris Claremont
pointed out, 'Is there any reason why this character _can't_ be a woman?'
I'll be exploring the implications of this in the months to come."
Aforementioned comics writer Chris Claremont will be taking over David Byrne's
mantle as songwriter/lead singer of the rock group Talking Heads. "I
believe that the band will be reissuing _Life During Wartime_, and I personally
have an idea for a Jerry Harrison limited series. Crossover characters will
probably include Wolverine, Kitty Pryde, and Janet Van Dyne. Also, Louise
[Simonson] has suggested that Power Pack be included."
A lead to a possible link between the tragedy and a pornography ring
based in the harbors of Chicago is being pursued. Any citizens having
relevant infomation should contact the Chicago Police Department.